Tag: Teens

Preparing Girls for Dating, Parties & Friendships

When I was checking out colleges as a teenager, I was concerned about safety on campus. So I asked questions. I noticed many schools had blue light emergency phones on campus, and many of my questions centered around their presence or absence. I experienced a rude awakening when I encountered a student generous enough to answer my questions.

She was passionate and indignant as she noted the blue lights were nowhere nearby when her “friends” who she trusted raped her. She told my 17-year-old self that rape usually happens by someone you know.

That conversation stuck with me for over a decade, but it wasn’t enough to stop me from having to learn it firsthand. Even majoring in Women’s Studies did not prevent me from entering an abusive relationship during my college years.

What I needed were concrete skills and strategies. I needed to think of safety as something that I should be conscious of in my relationships, not just when I was walking alone at night. I needed to learn to connect behaviors in my relationships to larger patterns of abuse. I needed to practice having difficult conversations, and I needed to see breaking up as an option that did not indicate failure. I needed someone to tell me that while it is always the perpetrator’s fault and never the victim’s, that I could take action and do something about it.

Whenever I think of the lack of preparation we give girls for the situations they are bound to face with dating, parties and friendships, I keep coming to one conclusion: It’s just not fair.

It’s simply not fair to know, as adults, the situations our young women are bound to face and not prepare them with the skills to negotiate them. It’s not fair to ask them to depend on the men around them to have good intentions in order to stay free from violence. It’s not fair to only arm them with “don’t wear a short skirt” or “run away & get help” as their only defenses to complex situations.

As a teen, I didn’t know the right questions to ask. So, as adults, we need to ask the colleges and universities where we send our children how they prevent sexual assault on campus — with programs, not just with security staff and emergency phones. We need to ask our college prep and high school programs how they are preparing girls for situations that could seriously jeopardize their academic success as well as emotional well-being. And we need to ask them how they’re preparing boys for situations they may face and how they can become agents to stop sexual violence as well.

Sparring & Sports vs. Self-Defense

Many sports, at their root, undoubtedly were created to develop and practice physical skills that can also be used in real-life situations. The interesting piece is when we forget how to separate the game aspect of sports from the physical skills gained.

When I teach, I have the opportunity to work with a lot of young athletes, including martial artists, boxers and wrestlers. Their practice in sports often makes them better prepared to strategize and think about physical technique. What they’ve learned on the mat clearly comes out in IMPACT classes, from their enhanced body awareness to willingness to confront violence. It’s evident that they’ve already given a lot of thought to the topic of aggressors and power and domination.

So it’s interesting when I hear intermediate level women in martial arts say they could never defend themselves in real life and would just have to run from an assailant. I’m fascinated when I hear teen boys talk about drawing out an attacker and fooling them into striking first and howling that it’s a “cheap shot” when they see IMPACT students deliver groin strikes.

The physical skills we practice at IMPACT are remarkably similar to those learned in sports. However, at IMPACT, we always keep our eye on one thing: assailants are not looking for a good fight. They are looking for an easy target. And in that situation, there’s no such thing as fighting “fair.” It’s not about scoring a point. It’s about changing the assailant’s mind by yelling and showing you’re willing to defend yourself.

Why are strikes below the belt illegal moves in all sporting arenas? Because they END the fight! There’s no match after that. He’s not going to get up and rally to score another point. So, when fighting for sport, it makes sense that this is forbidden. However, in real life, if your life and safety or that of someone you love is at stake- go for the groin! It’s not about being fair; it’s not about complex strategy and drawing him out. Thankfully, it’s much simpler than that – at least physically.

This is what makes self-defense for the average person so easily attainable. It’s not complex. You don’t have to be in good shape. Find the courage to register for a class so that you know you could defend yourself without being overcome by socialization or fear. Practice the verbal skills that you’re more likely to need in real life. Then… bask in the knowledge that if necessary, you can defend yourself and your family and friends. 20 hours. It’s that simple.

Powerful Words: Verbal Strategies for Prevention

I recently gained perspective on the importance of verbal skills while traveling internationally in areas where I did not speak the language.

I am used to answering my own, infrequent “what would I do if…?” questions.  My response is typically a variation of “Well, I’d talk with him, set a boundary, and it would be clear that I’m not an easy victim…  Or I’d go get help…”  Only after exhausting all of these options would I consider physical skills.

During the time I spent alone on my trip, however, I realized that I really wasn’t able to have that conversation to prove that I wasn’t the target assailants look for.  I realized, “Well, I could say “no” and yell a bunch, but I really wouldn’t be able to say much.”  If it kept escalating, I’d have to turn to physical skills.  Not having the necessary language skills, I’d have no other recourse but to use a strike.  Mind you, nothing untoward happened to me nor did I anticipate anything like that, but I returned home with a new awareness of what happens when a person lacks options.

It was amazing for me to see this, because we work regularly now with young people in the schools – many of whom actually do feel confident with  (and have used) physical skills.  But they have no verbal skills to speak of.  It is not unlike the absence of language entirely to not have the vocabulary to get out of a threatening situation.  And I felt for these young people who get in trouble for using physical violence when words would have been sufficient.  They just don’t have the words.

Teaching verbal strategies and a vocabulary of avoidance and de-escalation is much easier than learning a foreign language, let me tell you!  And we must provide it to them.  Because if we don’t, they will act like a cornered animal who either submits to violence or lashes out him/herself.  IMPACT helps people stand up for themselves.  Teaching students ways to do that before it gets physical may be the most important thing we do.

Empowering Youth to Prevent Violence

A week ago I taught a Gay-Straight Alliance in Albuquerque. It was great timing, as they’d been talking about the “gay suicides” that have been all over the news. I felt for them – they’re so upset about what they see going on in the world, that bullying has driven some of their far-away peers to suicide, and they don’t have the tools to stop it.

Without tools to even identify why this is happening, it is so difficult to prevent it from re-occurring.  I asked the students what they did when they heard someone use the word “gay” as an insult or call someone a “fag.”  I expected that they would say it depended on who it was and that they would tell them how hurt and/or offended they were by those words.

I didn’t expect that they would say it wasn’t a big deal.

That day, I taught our “Investigating the Roots of Violence” class that explores the connection between bias, language, and violence. We looked at the names people are called and violence that happens to them based on race, class, gender, sexuality, etc. to keep them in the “boxes” that society dictates.  We explore: What are accepted stereotypes of a latino man?  What does a woman get called when she is assertive?  What range of violence is committed so that different people will not claim their individuality and their power?

It is not surprising that teenagers don’t see the connection between language, politics and violence.  It is also not surprising that everyone will work on the issue most important to them, whether it is violence against women, racially motivated violence, GLBTQ rights, or any other social issue that inherently involves addressing power imbalances.  However, until we teach our youth about and are willing to see the connection between all these manifestations of violence, and start working together at addressing the origins, we will struggle to make profound change.

My hope for the coverage of GLBTQ suicides is that it will help us find more ways to work together to make the world a more desirable place to live for all of our youth.

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