When Confronted with Road Rage, I Had a Paln

A few weeks ago when I was driving, I noticed a car get out of my way and then abruptly pull behind me. I was puzzled when he turned into the same parking lot as I did, parking nearby for the same business. I was unsettled enough by the turn of events that I delayed in the car, thinking I would let him go in first to avoid further trouble, even if it turned out to be just a coincidence.

After a few moments of not seeing him pass in the rearview mirror, I decided I didn’t want to be late and got out to go in. I was startled to see him watching me as I crossed to the business. Instead of getting out to go to a destination, the man started his car and slowly drove past, looking me over, and then drove away.

I went in, noticing my feelings of confusion, anger and worry, and considered asking someone at the front desk to keep a look out. I also reviewed what I knew about his car and his appearance, wondering if I could identify him if he came back – worst-case scenario – and did something to my car.

I had plans to be there for over an hour, and for the first few minutes, I was preoccupied as I decided what I wanted to do and worked out what I thought happened and why he went away.

This could be a story about fear and the dangers of driving these days. It isn’t though – for me, at least. For me, it’s a story with two important components.

  1. I had a plan. In fact, I had several plans. As events unfolded, I sifted through my plans and shifted them as I took in more information. Instead of feeling panicked, I was weighing my options.                                                                
  2. I’m a rather petite woman. More likely than not, I was not the person he was hoping to get into a verbal argument with and then hit. Undoubtedly, he’d had a bad day, if not a hard time for a while, and was looking for someone to take it out on. I wasn’t that target. If I was a man, things might have been different.

I love the small fact encompassed in Point #1: We cannot control the world around us and avoid every situation, but we can plan for when things happen.

Point #2 is more complex and sad for me. Violence against men is largely unacknowledged and minimized or misinterpreted (for example, calling a situation a “fight” instead of an “assault”). It is unfair for men to be expected to not only be able to defend themselves, but also the women and children in their lives with absolutely no training at all. 

Men are targeted because of being men just as women are targeted because they are women (as are LGBTQ individuals, older people, etc.)

We all deserve to have the assurance of having a plan, instead of having to depend on circumstance and not being an assailant’s “ideal target” in order to stay safe.

When Feeling Safe Isn’t Enough

When I took my IMPACT class years ago, I thought my biggest concern was safety. And it was, in many ways. My fear of violence really affected my life in a negative way. However, my biggest concerns could have been better described as:

  • wanting to understand how to trust others in a way that was more nuanced than an all-or-nothing approach
  • wanting to understand how I could speak up for myself without feeling mean
  • wanting to feel –not just know– that my body belonged to me & I could dictate my experiences
  • wanting to understand that previous bad experiences were not my fault & yet that they didn’t have to be repeated

Another IMPACT chapter recently noted that concern about safety was not the top reason why students enrolled in their classes. That initially surprised me, and I wondered if that could possibly be true for our students if we surveyed them.

I read the director’s email, and I noted that the top reasons for registrations in their chapter actually echoed many of my feelings and things I’ve heard in classes.

Listening closer to participants in recent classes, I noticed people talking about wanting:

  • to be able to protect their families
  • to heal from past hurts when they’d hit a wall with their progress
  • to be more assertive in their professional & personal lives
  • to be able to control their anger
  • to not have to ignore homeless people & others on the street
  • to have better relationships
  • to not always be kicking themselves after a difficult conversation with things they wish they had said.

While I believe feeling safe is an underlying aspect of being able to address all of these other issues, I love and feel honored to be a part of a curriculum that people feel they can come to in order to address such diverse needs.

Sparring & Sports vs. Self-Defense

Many sports, at their root, undoubtedly were created to develop and practice physical skills that can also be used in real-life situations. The interesting piece is when we forget how to separate the game aspect of sports from the physical skills gained.

When I teach, I have the opportunity to work with a lot of young athletes, including martial artists, boxers and wrestlers. Their practice in sports often makes them better prepared to strategize and think about physical technique. What they’ve learned on the mat clearly comes out in IMPACT classes, from their enhanced body awareness to willingness to confront violence. It’s evident that they’ve already given a lot of thought to the topic of aggressors and power and domination.

So it’s interesting when I hear intermediate level women in martial arts say they could never defend themselves in real life and would just have to run from an assailant. I’m fascinated when I hear teen boys talk about drawing out an attacker and fooling them into striking first and howling that it’s a “cheap shot” when they see IMPACT students deliver groin strikes.

The physical skills we practice at IMPACT are remarkably similar to those learned in sports. However, at IMPACT, we always keep our eye on one thing: assailants are not looking for a good fight. They are looking for an easy target. And in that situation, there’s no such thing as fighting “fair.” It’s not about scoring a point. It’s about changing the assailant’s mind by yelling and showing you’re willing to defend yourself.

Why are strikes below the belt illegal moves in all sporting arenas? Because they END the fight! There’s no match after that. He’s not going to get up and rally to score another point. So, when fighting for sport, it makes sense that this is forbidden. However, in real life, if your life and safety or that of someone you love is at stake- go for the groin! It’s not about being fair; it’s not about complex strategy and drawing him out. Thankfully, it’s much simpler than that – at least physically.

This is what makes self-defense for the average person so easily attainable. It’s not complex. You don’t have to be in good shape. Find the courage to register for a class so that you know you could defend yourself without being overcome by socialization or fear. Practice the verbal skills that you’re more likely to need in real life. Then… bask in the knowledge that if necessary, you can defend yourself and your family and friends. 20 hours. It’s that simple.

My Friend, Adrenaline

My relationship to adrenaline – that hormone that gets the heart pumping and gives one the shakes – changed because of IMPACT.  IMPACT’s adrenaline-based classes teach students (including me, years ago) how to function when their nerves are jangled and they’re having trouble thinking clearly.  This comes from the behavior modification that instructors do in the moment of adrenaline that trains students in behaviors that lead to successful outcomes.  Through this training, our brains learn that we can function in spite of this hormone flowing through our bodies.

Since my first class, my relationship to adrenaline has become more conscious.  I’ve noticed adrenaline when I: had a grant deadline to meet and experienced technical difficulties minutes before the cut-off, drove a stick shift in traffic for the first time, talked in front of important groups, had difficult conversations, had a near-miss while driving… and probably lots more.

Each time, I noticed my response was to grumble amusedly, “My friend, adrenaline” in recognition of its sudden presence.  I may have not been altogether pleased to see my friend, but I understood what I was feeling.  In the past before my first class, I might have labeled it “panic”, “anxiety”, or “irritation” and gotten more “stressed out.”  After the class, I was able to identify it as a natural, physical reaction to what was going on and have a different, more productive relationship to it.

While these more everyday adrenaline experiences do not have a direct relationship to staying safe, I realize that this changed relationship to adrenaline is one of the ways IMPACT can improve one’s quality of life.  Adrenaline (and conflict) are natural parts of life; we will never change that, but we can change our responses to them.

Cultivating the “How Dare You?”

After my IMPACT class, I went from being complacent about my boundaries being crossed to a feeling of “How dare you?!”  I felt incredulous that anyone would take from me something that is mine by right.  Whether it was my right to speak up and say what I wanted, my right to dictate who touched me and when or how, or my right to feel safe in my own body – I felt the imposition of that person’s (or society’s/media’s) will over my own as truly outrageous.

It was – and is – that sense of indignation or outrage that helps us change things.  Without that sense, we don’t know how much something needs to change and how ready we are to change it.

I certainly don’t want to live with outrage as a constant sensation or feeling, but that spark is so useful for making the changes, saying what I need, or removing myself from a situation.  It is what precipitates everything that makes it better and gives us a sense of peace again.

It’s rare that I feel it so strongly anymore myself, because I have adjusted the major areas in my life so that I am more comfortable and am treated the way I need to be most of the time.

So, it’s educational and refreshing when I’m coaching students in class and I feel the “How Dare You” on their behalf.  It reminds me that this is the place where change starts.  This is where we begin to get what we need.  Whether it is an outside force or our “inner assailant” crossing our boundaries, the only appropriate and natural response is to say, “How dare you?”  When we are able to hear that voice, change is possible.

Letting Go of Anger

Just as we don’t want to live in fear, looking over our shoulder constantly, most of us don’t want to live a life of anger.
For years, I hung onto my anger as if it could protect me. I felt angry at people who might hurt me or others.  It seemed natural that I could let that anger fuel the strikes I learned at IMPACT.  It seemed effective – and it was, for a while.
I recently realized that I don’t really feel angry anymore.  I continue to feel every right to defend myself.  I see that being angry at would-be-assailants was a good vehicle for learning to care about and value myself again.  But I realized that defending myself with my words or physical strikes can happen still without carrying around anger.
Whether fear or anger, emotions often happen reflexively as an attempt at self-protection.  People often believe that by reading about the rape in the news, or telling a friend about the horrible story they heard, that they can prevent violence in their own lives.  This may be true.
People also believe that by being outraged at events on the evening news or by that “rude, inconsiderate” person, that they can keep violence at bay.  This strategy may also work.  Yet while strategies like these may help us avoid bad situations or “bad people,” they may also keep us from good experiences.
When we keep fear with us, we often do not notice – and keep ourselves from the opportunities to notice – that we are powerful.  We may not realize or discover that we are capable of effectively handling difficult situations.  And when we keep anger with us, we too often miss out on the joy that can come from people getting close.  We miss out on the opportunity to notice the real healing we’ve done and the innate tenderness and compassion we have for other human beings or someone special.
We sometimes need to let go of these emotions in order to live the lives we were born to live – and deserve to live.  Fear and anger will, ultimately, only hold us back.
© 2024 Resolve · PO Box 8350 · Santa Fe NM 87504