Ignoring It Doesn’t Always Make It Better

Many of us received the same advice for harassment and bullying as we did for bees: ignore it, and it’ll go away.

While that strategy has worked for me countless times with bees, the truth is that it is only one of many strategies for dealing with problems and conflict. And oftentimes this coping mechanism really doesn’t work the way we want.

One of the key reasons ignoring it doesn’t always make harassment and conflict go away is that the problems are often systemic.

A child being harassed for wearing glasses or hand-me-down clothes is likely experiencing poor treatment because of how s/he looks or the economic status of his/her family. A teen girl who is harassed on the street is experiencing sexism, and depending on how she is perceived, could also be experiencing other biases. A boy harassed because of the way he walks or his lisp could be experiencing homophobia, transphobia and/or sexism.

Ignoring the problem ultimately doesn’t make the problem go away because the harassers, bullies and assailants are working with the same book. The minute one person stops making comments about your weight or skin color, the next one moves in – or they move on to someone else. Their biases don’t disappear just because a particular incident ends.

At IMPACT, we teach about racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, ableism, etc. in order to become more effective agents of change and prevent violence from growing in our communities.

We also explore various responses we might have to harassment. Some days I just want it to end, so I simply walk away or ignore it. Other days I feel up to telling the person to stop and that it’s not okay and leaving it at that. Other days I feel ready to take on the entire issue, educating the aggressor by addressing the behavior and the bias behind it.

As bystanders, we have choices of how and when to act as an ally to the targeted person — sometimes that’s intervening during the incident itself; other times it involves approaching the person targeted to express support or approaching the person who is using hurtful behavior to educate and hold that person accountable.

Depending on the context and environment and the day we’re having, sometimes as bystanders and as those targeted ourselves, we feel safe and are ready for different levels of struggle and different levels of self-advocacy and advocacy for others.

The idea is to have a range of tools for dealing with harassment and bullying so that we can be as proactive as possible. With this knowledge, we can work to make our communities feel safer and stronger together.

Preparing for Safety and Success in School

Families have a long to-do list when preparing for the new school year. We buy growing children new clothes or figure out hand-me-downs, gather pencils and notebooks… And when the first day comes, it can be filled with excitement or dread!

Every child loves learning. You only need to watch an infant learning to crawl or walk to see their pride at mastering a new skill.

So, why is it that getting kids to school can be so difficult at times? For many of us, it was the social arena that proved the most stressful part of school, not the big test coming up.

How many of us would have concentrated better in school or had better attendance if we had the skills to deal with problems that came up with friendships, classmates, and people we interacted with on the way to school?

When youth have a plan for dealing with a stressful social situation, it means they can choose a strategy to deal with the issue as it arises, and then put the thought away. But when a concern arises and they don’t have a strategy, this unsolved issue makes it very difficult to concentrate on what is in front of them.

When youth have the skills to speak up and take action against bias, social cruelty, bullying, harassment and exclusion, as well as answer the “what if it gets worse?” question in their minds, our communities are safer and more supportive for everyone. Individual students can spend more time learning & succeeding and less time worrying about their social interactions.

It can be frightening to address our fears about our children head on, but we do it. We do it so they are prepared for security and success. We do it with fire safety; we do it with car and bicycle safety. We can also do it with personal safety.

Learning to Live Courageously

Life takes courage. It takes courage to talk with that person you have a crush on and takes even more courage to stick with it when things get tough. Raising children and suddenly being responsible for another life takes courage. It takes courage to go after the job or promotion that you want. It takes courage to stand up to a bully, whether at school or at work.

Students in our classes learn to develop their courage. It takes tremendous courage to face your worst fears on the mat. Whether you’re most afraid of rape or murder, setting a limit with a friend or a family member and then being rejected, or afraid of hurting another person emotionally or physically, we address it in our classes.
Yes, it’s scary. But the good news-?

Everything after that gets easier. The practice pays off. You learn how to steady your voice when you’re afraid, and you learn to hold your ground through your fear and anxiety.

The next time that surge of adrenaline and fear hits, it’s not so surprising. In fact, you start to expect it.  You know what it is and how to get through it instead of being overwhelmed and feeling controlled by it.  Maybe you even welcome it when it comes.

Practicing in a supportive environment can change that feeling of terror in the face of a challenge to noticing that that rush means you’re doing something worthwhile. That surge no longer paralyzes but actually provides you with the energy to do what’s necessary and take action.

Living fully requires action and living with conviction. Courage can be learned and practiced.

Empowering Youth to Prevent Violence

A week ago I taught a Gay-Straight Alliance in Albuquerque. It was great timing, as they’d been talking about the “gay suicides” that have been all over the news. I felt for them – they’re so upset about what they see going on in the world, that bullying has driven some of their far-away peers to suicide, and they don’t have the tools to stop it.

Without tools to even identify why this is happening, it is so difficult to prevent it from re-occurring.  I asked the students what they did when they heard someone use the word “gay” as an insult or call someone a “fag.”  I expected that they would say it depended on who it was and that they would tell them how hurt and/or offended they were by those words.

I didn’t expect that they would say it wasn’t a big deal.

That day, I taught our “Investigating the Roots of Violence” class that explores the connection between bias, language, and violence. We looked at the names people are called and violence that happens to them based on race, class, gender, sexuality, etc. to keep them in the “boxes” that society dictates.  We explore: What are accepted stereotypes of a latino man?  What does a woman get called when she is assertive?  What range of violence is committed so that different people will not claim their individuality and their power?

It is not surprising that teenagers don’t see the connection between language, politics and violence.  It is also not surprising that everyone will work on the issue most important to them, whether it is violence against women, racially motivated violence, GLBTQ rights, or any other social issue that inherently involves addressing power imbalances.  However, until we teach our youth about and are willing to see the connection between all these manifestations of violence, and start working together at addressing the origins, we will struggle to make profound change.

My hope for the coverage of GLBTQ suicides is that it will help us find more ways to work together to make the world a more desirable place to live for all of our youth.

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