Tag: Fear

Empowerment Self-Defense & Healing: Reconnecting to Intuition After Trauma

A tricky thing about trauma is that it messes with our intuition. We’ve all heard people say it’s important  to “trust your gut” about who is safe and who isn’t; but for those of us who have experienced trauma, our trauma response/PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress) can masquerade as intuition in the form of hypervigilance. This trauma response tells us things like, “No men are safe;” “I’d rather be safe than sorry,” rather than looking for signs that distinguish the behavior of people who may do harm from those who will not. It looks for commonalities (men, people who fit a certain profile) vs. distinguishing features (men who ignore boundaries, men who are overly eager to be helpful with a child in a way that places them alone with that child, etc.).

It can feel easier to follow broad “rules” when we haven’t been taught how to trust ourselves and our bodies.

When I took my first empowerment self-defense class with Resolve, instructors played the role of those who might do harm, allowing me to learn more about what to look for, and practice what to do in those scenarios. This helped me tremendously. By identifying red flags and how I could respond, I learned (and my nervous system learned) to relax when those red flags were not present. It helped me identify not just what danger looked like, but also what safety looks like. It helped me learn to trust myself and others.

So many students I’ve spoken with over the years have reflected about how they have structured their lives – oftentimes unknowingly – around vague and restrictive “safety tips.” Some don’t even identify as having trauma histories, and yet they learned these same messages that are very much rooted in trauma responses. These trauma responses can help protect us in the moment, but do not usually serve us long-term. In fact, disconnecting ourselves from our own ways of knowing and isolating ourselves from being with others for fear of being hurt is a trauma response – it is not how we heal. We heal in community, by connecting with others.

Profound change happens in our bodies when we practice tapping back into our intuition. Having a toolbox – a set of skills – to both understand and assess risk more accurately can translate to suddenly feeling freer to do more. The tools learned in class can create a feeling of self-efficacy – not responsibility – so more of us feel prepared to take things on should something arise. This is not a guarantee of safety, but rather, a completely fresh perspective of what freedom and living one’s life might feel like when we learn to trust ourselves.

Parenting in Times of Crisis

Parents and caregivers have often been led to focus on the more tangible aspects of raising children – teaching them how to get dressed, helping them with homework, and providing them with a well-balanced diet. But what the current health crisis lays bare is that one of our primary responsibilities, as adults with young people, is to help them navigate times of stress and potential trauma.

So while the tempo of our country encourages us to work & homeschool & keep on keeping on, even as we watch the numbers of affected rise and our concerns rise in tandem, what may be most helpful is to stop. Stop and ask ourselves: What do we need, and how can we best provide it? What have our past responses been to trauma, and how is that influencing us now? How can we model for our children how to process this and get through difficult times?

For many of us, stopping to tune in during times of stress can be scary. We may be consumed by the realization of how overwhelming or frightening a situation truly is. And still, it is difficult to come up with a plan that truly addresses what is in front of us if we are intent on ignoring it. Acknowledging what is going on and how it is affecting us allows us the space to find out what can get us through it.

Whether you’re thinking about these things on your own, or having conversations with partners, family members, and other caregivers, here are some things to think about:

• How do our past patterns around trauma influence this moment? People might assume that trauma history has a negative effect – which is not necessarily the case! Trauma histories can sometimes give us perspective that comes from surviving other difficult times and knowing it is possible to make it through again. Trauma can also teach us skills like compartmentalization that allow us to simultaneously be aware of how challenging a situation is while still finding ways to function. There are a lot of strengths we can gain through negative experiences. Of course, there are learned behaviors and coping mechanisms associated with trauma that may not serve us or those around us as well. Do we tend toward denial of the situation or of our feelings? Do we struggle with loss of control when an issue feels immense? Do we find ourselves more irritable with those around us because it feels like an easier conflict to take on? It’s important to remember that the behaviors we learned in the past to survive and cope don’t always serve us – so we need to check in with ourselves.

• What is within our realm of control right now? We do not have a responsibility (or ability) to affect this entire pandemic, but how can we feel good that we are doing our part? And how can we feel confident that we are doing the best for the health of our family, not just physically but also emotionally? An explicit focus on our mental health and our family’s mental health leads us to different choices than when we are focusing on work and school. Work and school are important, but as this escalates, our families and communities will NEED our mental health and well being. It is not only okay, but necessary to prioritize that right now.

• What is our plan for our mental health and our family’s well being? Many of us are making plans right now about how to work from home while our children play or do schoolwork, or how to find childcare as we continue to work to provide essential services, or what we’ll do to get through this time financially. We can also make plans and communicate them about how to get through this time emotionally. And we can talk about it- it doesn’t have to be a secret! Even saying to children, “Staying inside and not seeing my friends is hard for me. I think I need a plan to get through this,” and then sharing your plan with them can be revelatory! If they are old enough to understand and discuss their fears, we can also tell them something like, “This is a scary time, and I know other people are taking care of us and our community- we need a plan of how we take of ourselves and each other. This is what I’m thinking I’ll do for myself…” This normalizes acknowledging emotional needs and helps them come up with a plan, too.

• When we make plans for self-care, sometimes we underestimate community care. I think one of the most challenging things for this time is that the ways we often care for one another are off limits. Hugging, making food, and sharing space with each other all feel suspect. When physical distance is what will keep us safe, we need to be sure to not allow our emotional distance to grow. As human beings, we not only want to be cared for, but we want to care for others. So in addition to healthy meals, exercise, a solo walk with the dog, prayer/meditation, etc, what do we build that is about caring for others? Is it getting groceries for a neighbor? Checking on a friend who lives solo? Calling grandma to see how she’s doing or just holding the phone while she watches the little one play?

• What is our plan for conflict? Hopefully some of the above helps us communicate with others – but this is a stressful time, and we know conflict is a normal part of life. Talk about how you would like conflict to be handled. This can be talking about what is off the table – whether with a partner or with a child- and also about what ways of addressing conflict works best for you. For many of us, “I feel” statements work better than telling us something we’re doing wrong. For your children, knowing what to expect and not expect from you during this time can be very reassuring. And it can help everyone stay on track to know what our goals and expectations are for communication!

• This is a time in which we are bound to get discouraged again and again about what we are not able to do. It can be upsetting to think that our child is “falling behind in school,” and we’re all grieving that this is not how we want their childhood to be. That is natural, and it is important to feel those feelings. What we can focus on is what we are giving them right now. Tools for getting through hard things. Emotional literacy. Skills for navigating conflicts and relationships. We may not be able to teach our kids the “new math” while juggling working from home or figuring out how to make ends meet without a paycheck, but we can teach our children about how to love and support each other when things are tough.

How Our Misunderstanding of Sexual Assault Leads to a Misunderstanding of Self-Defense

We have seen countless movies and news reports that feature scary men behind bushes with knives; we’ve watched countless cartoons where the “bad guys” can always be spotted by their jagged teeth and bulging eyes. As a result, our society is deeply confused about who perpetrates assaults and how.

Combine this with subtle and persistent messages in advertisements and sitcom plots that undermine the idea of consent, and we have created strong misunderstandings about sexual assault and domestic violence. Even assault victims can have difficulty understanding and naming what happened to them.

“He didn’t hold me down” and “He didn’t use a weapon” describe the confusion felt by victims that oftentimes concludes with: “I’m not sure it was rape.”

“Well, he didn’t mean to say that/do that” is a confusion often expressed by domestic violence victims, who were led to believe that perpetration is typically intentional and that someone is either bad or good, not something more complex.

However, we know that the majority of assaults happen by people we know, and typically by people we initially, maybe even the majority of the time, have good feelings about.

Unfortunately, these misperceptions — caused by a combination of misrepresentation in the media and a fervent desire to be able to trust those in our lives 100% — oftentimes lead to vulnerability.

The trouble is that most seeking to prevent assault in their or their children’s lives look for programs based on the misperceptions described above. And many self-defense programs plan their curricula around these same misconceptions. Others, believing the risks as they’ve been portrayed, may declare that they have no need for personal safety training, because they live in a “safe community.”

Fundamentally, a safety program must address these misconceptions and teach defenses that address the real threats our communities face. This does not exclude physical skills, but it understands that the real importance in a class like this is navigating changing relationships, evaluating others’ actions and setting our own boundaries — and recognizing our right to do so.

Fighting Violence Where It Lives

(This article was written by Meg Stone, the director of IMPACT Boston, and originally appeared here.)

Usually, after a trend of violence committed by strangers, media outlets respond by offering women advice about how to stay safe. The tips are sometimes consistent with good research on which resistance strategies are most effective. Other times, though, safety advice consists of laundry lists of ways women should limit their lives (don’t wear headphones, don’t reach into your purse, keep your hands free at all times, etc.).

I am heartened when I see people addressing their feelings of fear by seeking out information and learning more about what they can do to protect themselves. At the same time, the safety advice most people are giving and getting is only relevant to a minority of assaults: those perpetrated by strangers.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, only about 13 percent of sexual assaults in the United States are committed by strangers. Perpetrators are much more likely to be dating partners, family members, and acquaintances.

So why do the news media, law enforcement officials and, yes, self-defense experts place almost all of their focus on helping women protect themselves from relatively uncommon acts of violence?

It’s because the steps we need to take to prevent rapes perpetrated by people we know are far more difficult. Looking for taxi medallions to ensure that drivers are properly licensed, or crossing the street when we suspect that someone is following us doesn’t disrupt our core beliefs about the people and places that are supposed to be safe.

We are conditioned to feel afraid in dark parking lots, but when we go on first dates, we want to flirt and connect. What if a new person we’re excited about dating ignores us when we say we’re not comfortable with physical affection in public? What if this person tells us we should lighten up and stop being such a prude? It’s painful to wonder whether those actions are warning signs that the person will disrespect other intimate boundaries.

When the concern about safety arises in our own families, the situation can be even harder. What if a beloved grandfather or uncle is touching a child or teenager in a sexually suggestive way? Keeping an act of abuse from escalating may require several family members getting involved. That means they have to be courageous enough to admit there’s a problem and trust and respect each other enough to address it together.

This can be painful. Sometimes too painful.

So instead, we focus most of our energy elsewhere. We become more vigilant about parking lots and taxi cabs. And as long as this heightened awareness doesn’t perpetuate racial stereotypes or cause us to limit our lives unnecessarily, it’s ultimately good. But I hope that this recent wake-up call doesn’t stop with strangers.

If reading the news has prompted us to have more conversations about sexual assault at our dinner tables and in our human resources departments, I hope we will also think about the thousands of acts of sexual violence that never make the news and what we can do about them.

– Meg Stone
Executive Director of IMPACT Boston

Feeling Safe in an Unsafe World

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” -Madeleine L’Engle

Choosing to prepare is a courageous act. It requires that you face that there are no guarantees in life; it requires that you concede that risk and vulnerability are natural parts of life.

This, I believe, is why our classes can seem frightening to some. It is not because of what we do in the classes — in reality, we structure the entire class around supporting students and helping them to feel safe as they address their fears. However, the act of admitting that there is, in fact, a reason why we should learn violence prevention and self-defense strategies, can be daunting.

In our classes, we don’t focus on the bad or scary aspects. We have seen enough assaults on TV, described on the news, and oftentimes, experienced in our own lives, to last a lifetime. So, at IMPACT, we have a chance to focus on what we can do.

When I teach, I tell students to focus on what I am doing, rather than on what the assailant character is doing, for this reason. It takes effort to shift one’s gaze from the actions of the attacker to that of the person defending herself. It is entirely possible that one could become consumed with threat and forget to move on to one’s own agency. Focusing on your agency doesn’t mean ignoring the threat, rather that we have chosen to focus on options we have to increase our safety in an inherently unsafe world.

I think that this — perhaps even more than the verbal strategies and physical techniques taught in class — may be the most beneficial part of the class: guidance about how to approach violence and risk in a healthy and honest way, and in a way that focuses on our own agency as individuals and as families.

When Confronted with Road Rage, I Had a Paln

A few weeks ago when I was driving, I noticed a car get out of my way and then abruptly pull behind me. I was puzzled when he turned into the same parking lot as I did, parking nearby for the same business. I was unsettled enough by the turn of events that I delayed in the car, thinking I would let him go in first to avoid further trouble, even if it turned out to be just a coincidence.

After a few moments of not seeing him pass in the rearview mirror, I decided I didn’t want to be late and got out to go in. I was startled to see him watching me as I crossed to the business. Instead of getting out to go to a destination, the man started his car and slowly drove past, looking me over, and then drove away.

I went in, noticing my feelings of confusion, anger and worry, and considered asking someone at the front desk to keep a look out. I also reviewed what I knew about his car and his appearance, wondering if I could identify him if he came back – worst-case scenario – and did something to my car.

I had plans to be there for over an hour, and for the first few minutes, I was preoccupied as I decided what I wanted to do and worked out what I thought happened and why he went away.

This could be a story about fear and the dangers of driving these days. It isn’t though – for me, at least. For me, it’s a story with two important components.

  1. I had a plan. In fact, I had several plans. As events unfolded, I sifted through my plans and shifted them as I took in more information. Instead of feeling panicked, I was weighing my options.                                                                
  2. I’m a rather petite woman. More likely than not, I was not the person he was hoping to get into a verbal argument with and then hit. Undoubtedly, he’d had a bad day, if not a hard time for a while, and was looking for someone to take it out on. I wasn’t that target. If I was a man, things might have been different.

I love the small fact encompassed in Point #1: We cannot control the world around us and avoid every situation, but we can plan for when things happen.

Point #2 is more complex and sad for me. Violence against men is largely unacknowledged and minimized or misinterpreted (for example, calling a situation a “fight” instead of an “assault”). It is unfair for men to be expected to not only be able to defend themselves, but also the women and children in their lives with absolutely no training at all. 

Men are targeted because of being men just as women are targeted because they are women (as are LGBTQ individuals, older people, etc.)

We all deserve to have the assurance of having a plan, instead of having to depend on circumstance and not being an assailant’s “ideal target” in order to stay safe.

When Feeling Safe Isn’t Enough

When I took my IMPACT class years ago, I thought my biggest concern was safety. And it was, in many ways. My fear of violence really affected my life in a negative way. However, my biggest concerns could have been better described as:

  • wanting to understand how to trust others in a way that was more nuanced than an all-or-nothing approach
  • wanting to understand how I could speak up for myself without feeling mean
  • wanting to feel –not just know– that my body belonged to me & I could dictate my experiences
  • wanting to understand that previous bad experiences were not my fault & yet that they didn’t have to be repeated

Another IMPACT chapter recently noted that concern about safety was not the top reason why students enrolled in their classes. That initially surprised me, and I wondered if that could possibly be true for our students if we surveyed them.

I read the director’s email, and I noted that the top reasons for registrations in their chapter actually echoed many of my feelings and things I’ve heard in classes.

Listening closer to participants in recent classes, I noticed people talking about wanting:

  • to be able to protect their families
  • to heal from past hurts when they’d hit a wall with their progress
  • to be more assertive in their professional & personal lives
  • to be able to control their anger
  • to not have to ignore homeless people & others on the street
  • to have better relationships
  • to not always be kicking themselves after a difficult conversation with things they wish they had said.

While I believe feeling safe is an underlying aspect of being able to address all of these other issues, I love and feel honored to be a part of a curriculum that people feel they can come to in order to address such diverse needs.

What Do You Do to Prepare?

Traditional safety advice for women says women should:

•Never go out late / after dark.
•Always stay in groups.
•Not go to bad neighborhoods.
•Carry keys between their fingers.
•Carry mace / a gun / a whistle.
•Check under their cars / in their backseats before getting in.
•Not wear short skirts.

Women often prepare themselves by doing any / all of the above, or by worrying; as if worrying every day could protect us from the pain of an assault. We oftentimes apply this same or similar safety advice to our children.

I looked for a personal safety program that went beyond this list because I was outraged by the idea that I should have a curfew imposed on me that did not apply to men. I wanted to be able to do things independently; I didn’t want to always have to be with a friend. I was frustrated by advice that ignored the fact that some of us live in or work in bad neighborhoods. I was incredulous that this advice didn’t acknowledge that though many worry walking on the street alone, that the majority of the hurt we’ve experienced was by someone we knew, not someone lurking in the parking lot. And I resented the implication that I brought any abuse I endured upon myself.

In truth, following the above protocol did not keep me safe, but it did make my life smaller and made me more fearful.

It’s interesting to me that ultimately these are our choices. We can do these actions every day that result in increased fear and suspicion of others, particularly those that may fit a certain stereotype; or we can invest time in learning life skills.

When we learn skills, our lives open up with possibilities.

Twenty hours assured me that I didn’t need to worry about what I was wearing, that, in fact, clothing would neither deter nor attract the typical assailant. A couple weekends in the classroom meant that I opened up to men again, because I understood the difference between a nice guy and someone who was willing to cross my boundaries, regardless of how I felt. After the class, I trusted myself to react to signals I was receiving both from those in my life and strangers, instead of making excuses for them or denying what was clearly happening. After four days, I felt a change in my body, knowing that it was a safe place that I could now protect.

We all prepare for violence and hurtful events in life differently. Preparing should make us feel safer and our lives bigger, not more scared and more retracted. What do you do to prepare?

Train for Hard Times So that Everyday Life Is Easy(er)

Most of us understand that running on the treadmill, racing across a court to hit a ball and lifting large amounts of weight has no real inherent value or direct translation into everyday life. It’s very unlikely I’ll need to run five miles, be able to respond to a flying object or lift 100 pounds in modern daily life.

Yet, practicing for these situations makes it so that everyday activities like climbing the stairs to my apartment, keeping up with a small child and lifting a suitcase all become considerably easier than they would be otherwise. We train hard so that everyday life is easy.

Similarly, in IMPACT classes, we practice de-escalating situations with irrational yelling men; we practice getting out of or defending ourselves in situations with rapists and murderers and practice setting boundaries with people in our daily lives. Hopefully we never have to use the more drastic skills in real life. If we do, at least we’ve learned strategies to be better prepared for these difficult situations. Yet setting boundaries with people we know is the most frequent scenario our students experience.

We practice beyond those situations (over-train) for the same reason we might choose to exercise. Climbing the stairs daily doesn’t make them that easy to climb. It’s the muscles I’ve built in the gym or on the field that make the stairs pale in comparison.
When we develop our capacity to deal with the terror and adrenaline we might feel with rape and murder, we learn we can get through the discomfort of giving a co-worker difficult feedback. We know we can deal with a partner’s pain when we say that something needs to change in order for it to work. We can navigate the fear of rejection we might feel when telling a date we aren’t ready for intimacy or when standing up to a bully or harsh family member.
Being able to knock someone out is simply of no use to us if we can’t or don’t communicate with those closest to us. We must learn to face the truly difficult situations in order to develop our skills to face deeply uncomfortable situations.
The paradox in this case, of course, is that by developing the skills to defend ourselves, we greatly reduce our chances of ever needing to do so physically. All of this becomes possible because we were willing to over-train ourselves once.

Sparring & Sports vs. Self-Defense

Many sports, at their root, undoubtedly were created to develop and practice physical skills that can also be used in real-life situations. The interesting piece is when we forget how to separate the game aspect of sports from the physical skills gained.

When I teach, I have the opportunity to work with a lot of young athletes, including martial artists, boxers and wrestlers. Their practice in sports often makes them better prepared to strategize and think about physical technique. What they’ve learned on the mat clearly comes out in IMPACT classes, from their enhanced body awareness to willingness to confront violence. It’s evident that they’ve already given a lot of thought to the topic of aggressors and power and domination.

So it’s interesting when I hear intermediate level women in martial arts say they could never defend themselves in real life and would just have to run from an assailant. I’m fascinated when I hear teen boys talk about drawing out an attacker and fooling them into striking first and howling that it’s a “cheap shot” when they see IMPACT students deliver groin strikes.

The physical skills we practice at IMPACT are remarkably similar to those learned in sports. However, at IMPACT, we always keep our eye on one thing: assailants are not looking for a good fight. They are looking for an easy target. And in that situation, there’s no such thing as fighting “fair.” It’s not about scoring a point. It’s about changing the assailant’s mind by yelling and showing you’re willing to defend yourself.

Why are strikes below the belt illegal moves in all sporting arenas? Because they END the fight! There’s no match after that. He’s not going to get up and rally to score another point. So, when fighting for sport, it makes sense that this is forbidden. However, in real life, if your life and safety or that of someone you love is at stake- go for the groin! It’s not about being fair; it’s not about complex strategy and drawing him out. Thankfully, it’s much simpler than that – at least physically.

This is what makes self-defense for the average person so easily attainable. It’s not complex. You don’t have to be in good shape. Find the courage to register for a class so that you know you could defend yourself without being overcome by socialization or fear. Practice the verbal skills that you’re more likely to need in real life. Then… bask in the knowledge that if necessary, you can defend yourself and your family and friends. 20 hours. It’s that simple.

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