Tag: Expectations

Saying Goodbye to “Stranger Danger”

We pride ourselves at IMPACT for basing our programs on solid research and responding to dangers in the community. Occasionally the research or the danger changes, which means our program changes.
A Washington Post article from 2010 summarized data from the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children showing how rare stranger abductions are in the United States. IMPACT’s children’s class has always emphasized boundary-setting with people you know more than safety with strangers. We do this because data shows the majority of assaults and abuse of children are perpetrated by people they know.
IMPACT is shifting its children’s classes to incorporate this research, and because we have found a few issues with strict rules with strangers. The first issue is that following these rules often becomes more important than listening to one’s intuition, which is an important skill for a child to cultivate. Children are also likely to break the “stranger rules” if they need help, which can be confusing (a policeman is also a stranger). Teaching them to avoid strangers may create xenophobia and decrease an impetus to intervene as bystanders that witness violence. We believe this later works against the safe communities we all try to create. Most skills we teach with strangers in our adult and teen classes are transferable skills (i.e. skills that might be easier to role-play while imagining a stranger, though they can also be useful later with someone we know). IMPACT teaches awareness, yelling and physical techniques that are still appropriate and useful responses in stranger scenarios.
I am proud to announce that our children’s classes will continue focusing on teaching transferable skills, teaching awareness and boundary-setting with people that the children know (both adults and bullies) as well as physical self-defense skills with a non-specific “bad guy.” We will also incorporate role-plays with strangers where the children have to rely on their intuition (with coaching and feedback from staff and other students) to judge how to best interact and when they need to find a trusted adult.
Please join me in congratulating our staff in making this bold move to take a further step away from “stranger danger” in order to better prepare our children for life without scaring them. And if you have little ones, we’d love to see them in our class at the end of the month!

Why We Set Boundaries

People sometimes tell me that they hate conflict, and so setting boundaries is difficult for them. In reality, learning to set boundaries is perfect for the person who wants to avoid conflict because it prevents conflict from arising or becoming worse.

The true function of boundary-setting is to prevent problems from building up to the point that:

• You eventually explode and jeopardize the relationship;
• You avoid the person and/or have to end the relationship; or,
• It escalates into a more serious issue where physical or sexual assault may occur.

Boundary-setting does not mean asking for everything to go your way. It is not really a “boundary” for me to say, “I feel uncomfortable when you snort when you laugh. I need you to stop.” However, if a behavior is happening that may lead to one of the three points above, it’s my responsibility to bring it up.

Think about how shocking and awful it would feel for you to find out that you’d been doing something for months that significantly bothered someone you care about. Wouldn’t you want a chance to change it before your friend exploded or started avoiding you? Once it gets to that point, changing patterns is far more difficult. There may be serious hurts that have to be navigated and overcome.

Boundary-setting is personal safety.  Setting boundaries can create emotional safety in relationships as well as prevent assault.

It’s incredibly unlikely for the stranger on the street to assault us. Even when a stranger crosses our boundaries verbally, we don’t think nearly as much of it as when a family, friend or co-worker does the same. These are the skills that we need not only to stay safe, but also to create easier, joyful and fulfilling relationships.

Learning to Live Courageously

Life takes courage. It takes courage to talk with that person you have a crush on and takes even more courage to stick with it when things get tough. Raising children and suddenly being responsible for another life takes courage. It takes courage to go after the job or promotion that you want. It takes courage to stand up to a bully, whether at school or at work.

Students in our classes learn to develop their courage. It takes tremendous courage to face your worst fears on the mat. Whether you’re most afraid of rape or murder, setting a limit with a friend or a family member and then being rejected, or afraid of hurting another person emotionally or physically, we address it in our classes.
Yes, it’s scary. But the good news-?

Everything after that gets easier. The practice pays off. You learn how to steady your voice when you’re afraid, and you learn to hold your ground through your fear and anxiety.

The next time that surge of adrenaline and fear hits, it’s not so surprising. In fact, you start to expect it.  You know what it is and how to get through it instead of being overwhelmed and feeling controlled by it.  Maybe you even welcome it when it comes.

Practicing in a supportive environment can change that feeling of terror in the face of a challenge to noticing that that rush means you’re doing something worthwhile. That surge no longer paralyzes but actually provides you with the energy to do what’s necessary and take action.

Living fully requires action and living with conviction. Courage can be learned and practiced.

Getting My Body Back

I was not very athletic or coordinated when I was younger. I absorbed what many of my peers learned: girls’ bodies are there to look at. I was more aware of my body as something in the mirror than I was of it being something for my own use and enjoyment. Then, after experiencing trauma, I didn’t feel safe in my body.  This made being truly present a challenge – no wonder coordination was difficult for me. I also was vulnerable, like many girls and boys, to feel that if I couldn’t win in competitive environments, it would just be better to not try at all.
When I took my first Women’s Basics class, I was still weighed down by these feelings. And yet, I succeeded in learning to defend myself. There was no competition between students, and all women were supported in learning the physical skills, regardless of size, shape or physical ability. I learned the skills, and more importantly—I learned that I could count on my body. I discovered its power and its capacity to learn through challenges.

This trust that I built with my body went far. Within a year of taking the class, I traveled abroad and became enamored with salsa dancing, easily losing uncomfortable weight that I had carried since an abusive relationship years before. Hiking mountains and doing sports weren’t things I used to imagine myself doing—but now they bring me incredible satisfaction and joy.

By getting reconnected to my body through IMPACT, I discovered more of myself. Re-establishing this mind-body connection empowered me to joyfully inhabit my body once again. Certainly we can all make vows to change habits in the New Year, but oftentimes there are underlying issues we need to address in order to help us truly succeed.

Feeling Safe & Being Safe

Personal safety and self-defense classes should make a person actually safer, feel safer, and feel less fearful.

Fear can make a person more closed off from the world- loathe to trust others, averse to talking with strangers, and hesitant to try new things, be in new situations, or visit new places.  Living in fear of violence is one of the more oppressive consequences of violence in our society.

I firmly believe that self-defense and personal safety classes should address that fear.  It should alleviate those symptoms.  If a safety program makes a person go out less, be more mistrustful, be less open to new people or new experiences, it has perhaps succeeded in mking him/her safer.  But it has not succeeded in making that person feel less fear.  It has not made his/her life more full or more joyful – and it is not the only means to safety!

To feel and be safer does not require us to feel afraid.  We are often told that to be safe, we must feel afraid.  However, it is possible to feel safe and be safe.

If a violence prevention or personal safety class doesn’t make you feel safer and less ferful, if it tells you to close off your life even more than you already have in order to be safe, take another one.  Closing off is not the only way to get security in this world.  It may seem counterintuitive, but we can actually feel more safe and more secure when we open up, once we have some criteria for judging and some skills for defending.

Without the Myth of Random Violence

Violence is seldom random.  Like all behaviors, violent behavior follows patterns that can be observed.  Once understood, these patterns can be prepared for.  I highly recommend the book, The Gift of Fear, in which the author Gavin de Becker breaks down the behaviors that manipulative or dangerous people use.  He goes into depth about how intuition functions to keep us safe.  At IMPACT, we teach an Intuition Development class on this topic.

If everyone understood that violence follows a pattern, it would have a profound impact on communities:

1.     Individuals would only be appropriately alarmed when a set of behaviors happen, and would feel at peace when they don’t.

2.     People could grow closer, not feeling suspicious of one another because of stereotypes or profiling or past experiences.

3.     It would make a lot more sense to learn a systematic approach to preventing, defending against, and mitigating the impact of violence.

4.     Victims/survivors and others affected by the threat of violence in our society could learn practical skills to avoid, prevent, and diminish violence in their lives and feel safer.  By gaining knowledge and skills, survivors can change the idea that it was something intrinsic in them, or that they are victims.

5.    Good people regularly profiled as potentially dangerous (men, people of color, those wearing baggy pants or piercings, etc.) could walk down the street and get into elevators without having to worry and put effort into not scaring others.

6.     Perpetrators of violence would be seen as using a set of behaviors to hurt and scare (have power over) others, and the behaviors would be addressed more, rather than demonizing the person.

7.     We could address the roots of violence and prevent it on that level, instead of continually having to provide victim services and lock up perpetrators.

Violence will always be shocking and upsetting.  By focusing on patterns, we discover the tools necessary to change how violence affects our communities.

Cultivating the “How Dare You?”

After my IMPACT class, I went from being complacent about my boundaries being crossed to a feeling of “How dare you?!”  I felt incredulous that anyone would take from me something that is mine by right.  Whether it was my right to speak up and say what I wanted, my right to dictate who touched me and when or how, or my right to feel safe in my own body – I felt the imposition of that person’s (or society’s/media’s) will over my own as truly outrageous.

It was – and is – that sense of indignation or outrage that helps us change things.  Without that sense, we don’t know how much something needs to change and how ready we are to change it.

I certainly don’t want to live with outrage as a constant sensation or feeling, but that spark is so useful for making the changes, saying what I need, or removing myself from a situation.  It is what precipitates everything that makes it better and gives us a sense of peace again.

It’s rare that I feel it so strongly anymore myself, because I have adjusted the major areas in my life so that I am more comfortable and am treated the way I need to be most of the time.

So, it’s educational and refreshing when I’m coaching students in class and I feel the “How Dare You” on their behalf.  It reminds me that this is the place where change starts.  This is where we begin to get what we need.  Whether it is an outside force or our “inner assailant” crossing our boundaries, the only appropriate and natural response is to say, “How dare you?”  When we are able to hear that voice, change is possible.

What It Takes To Stop An Assault (and how the media misrepresents that)

It takes less than you might imagine to stop an assault.  Stopping an assault is not about “winning” or being stronger than the assailant. Research shows that the majority of assailants are looking for someone who won’t stand up for themselves or someone easily provoked*.  Assailants are looking for someone who is easy to dominate and manipulate.  It takes very little to demonstrate that I will stand up for myself and that I won’t buy into his manipulations.

This is why simple defense techniques work.  By setting a boundary verbally or yelling, most assailants go away.  98% of our graduates report they have used their awareness and/or verbal skills to keep themselves safe.  2% report using a physical skill to stop an assault – and it was usually one or two strikes.  Defending ourselves and staying safe has nothing to do with physical size, strength, or fitness.  Effective defense requires that we believe we have a right to protect ourselves, the adrenaline management to act in the face of fear, and some knowledge of effective verbal and physical techniques.

National statistics reflect this trend.  A study on effective resistance shows that 3 out of 4 attempted rapes are prevented (“Real Knockouts: The Physical Feminism of Women’s Self-Defense”, Martha McCaughey.)  Who knew?!  What a great statistic!  Most rapes are prevented!  But in that same study, they found that 13 completed rapes are reported for every 1 prevented rape by news media.   And then, when prevented rapes were reported, the headline generally still read “rape”, not “prevented rape.”  That gives us the impression that rapes – and assaults in general – can’t be prevented when that is not true at all!

We need to believe it is possible to stop an assault in order to defend ourselves effectively.  It doesn’t require great skill or strength if it comes to physical defense, but it does require this belief.  We must also have the knowledge that we can keep ourselves safe in order to walk truly confidently down the street – coincidentally, producing the effective body language that deters assailants.

*It bears reminding that the majority of assaults happen by someone that you know rather than a stranger, but I think it is important to address the physical aspect of this concern – we address verbal strategies with people that you know in other articles. 

Revealing Vulnerabilities

“It was so great to have men in this class – here I am, a 68-year-old woman, thinking I’m the one who’s got stuff to be worried about, but they are struggling with this stuff too.”

– 4-Hour Workshop Participant

Just as the student above describes, I love teaching mixed-gender and mixed-age classes because through seeing the different situations role-played in class, students learn just that:  we all have our challenges.

 

From a young age, many girls are still taught that they are more fragile or less able to do things than their male counterparts.  They eventually learn that they must watch their drinks, cannot go on walks alone, or that the road trip that their brother goes on is forbidden for them when they reach the same age.

 

For women growing up in this context, discovering that men are not impervious to threat and not invulnerable can be a revelation.  This discovery can have profound implications for our beliefs about our own vulnerability and ability to defend ourselves.

 

It’s the reason I believe our mixed gender classes are becoming more popular for men and for women.  Women, while learning to protect themselves, learn about the situations that men face.  Men, while learning to protect themselves, learn more about the depth to which violence affects most women’s lives.

 

If you’re a woman, consider taking a moment to talk with your friends, father/brothers, or boyfriend/husband.  Ask them if anyone has become fearful of them or aggressive with them – without any intentional provocation on their part – simply because they were men and viewed as potentially violent.  See if you can get them to honestly tell you about situations they’ve faced and the fear they felt.

 

If you’re a man, consider sharing these little-revealed vulnerabilities for the benefit of the women in your life.  Also, consider sharing with other men and younger generations that though you may deal with a situation quite capably that you still do feel fear and adrenaline, that you still experience that vulnerability.  Lifting the veil and acknowledging this helps everyone by normalizing the experience and letting others know that though it never goes away, there are ways to prepare.

Violence in the Media

Violence in the Media Creates Fear, Not Just Violence

I love watching movies with my friends. I deeply dislike violence in the media. But, you know, the one perk to it is hearing my friends shout (at home on the couch!) “Poke his eyes! Groin!” as the poor woman on the screen is unable to do anything in the countless situations she falls victim to. After all, one in eight Hollywood movies depict sexual assault.

Many of us know that the violent scenes in the movies and TV are primarily put in gratuitously to titillate the viewer. Frequently it is not crucial to the plot, and even when it is, they show far more detail than necessary. Thankfully my friends are very adept at helping the (usually) woman get out of the situation – the situation we were all warning her not to get into in the first place. Because we knew, right? There was ominous music that she clearly ignored when she walked down that alley!

Now, putting aside the significant lack of skills that the average heroine [sic] in a movie has, there is another issue to be addressed here… Just how many rapists are hanging out in the bushes with knives or sneaking in windows?? Watching a movie, TV, or the six o’clock news, you’d think that that was the most common threat that people faced. Yet, statistically, 70%-80% of sexual assault victims knew their attackers. But that is not what we see on TV. Why?

It’s less exciting! News stations will search the nation to find the most scandalous act of violence to bring to your home television. The craving for the most extreme violence out there is appalling enough. But what is even more disturbing is what these images do to people’s expectations in life. Those who would walk with confidence become plagued with the dangers that supposedly lurk around every corner. Many become afraid of walking in nature or of feeling a breeze through their window because it appears that that is where the biggest risk exists.

Much of the focus of violence in the media has been to speculate whether it promotes violence in real life. However, it decidedly cultivates and shapes people’s fears. And I, for one, a m outraged that in the name of informing and entertaining society, that it is scaring people I love into living smaller, more cautious lives than necessary.

© 2024 Resolve · PO Box 8350 · Santa Fe NM 87504