Tag: Empowerment

Train for Hard Times So that Everyday Life Is Easy(er)

Most of us understand that running on the treadmill, racing across a court to hit a ball and lifting large amounts of weight has no real inherent value or direct translation into everyday life. It’s very unlikely I’ll need to run five miles, be able to respond to a flying object or lift 100 pounds in modern daily life.

Yet, practicing for these situations makes it so that everyday activities like climbing the stairs to my apartment, keeping up with a small child and lifting a suitcase all become considerably easier than they would be otherwise. We train hard so that everyday life is easy.

Similarly, in IMPACT classes, we practice de-escalating situations with irrational yelling men; we practice getting out of or defending ourselves in situations with rapists and murderers and practice setting boundaries with people in our daily lives. Hopefully we never have to use the more drastic skills in real life. If we do, at least we’ve learned strategies to be better prepared for these difficult situations. Yet setting boundaries with people we know is the most frequent scenario our students experience.

We practice beyond those situations (over-train) for the same reason we might choose to exercise. Climbing the stairs daily doesn’t make them that easy to climb. It’s the muscles I’ve built in the gym or on the field that make the stairs pale in comparison.
When we develop our capacity to deal with the terror and adrenaline we might feel with rape and murder, we learn we can get through the discomfort of giving a co-worker difficult feedback. We know we can deal with a partner’s pain when we say that something needs to change in order for it to work. We can navigate the fear of rejection we might feel when telling a date we aren’t ready for intimacy or when standing up to a bully or harsh family member.
Being able to knock someone out is simply of no use to us if we can’t or don’t communicate with those closest to us. We must learn to face the truly difficult situations in order to develop our skills to face deeply uncomfortable situations.
The paradox in this case, of course, is that by developing the skills to defend ourselves, we greatly reduce our chances of ever needing to do so physically. All of this becomes possible because we were willing to over-train ourselves once.

I’m Not a Violent Person

Whenever there has been a high profile serial rapist in the news, inevitably someone says, “Don’t you just wish he would pick you, so that you could kick his butt and teach him a lesson?”

I understand the motives behind the sentiment, but my answer is always a resounding “No.”

I don’t ever want to have to hurt another human being in that way. Don’t get me wrong — I will, if necessary. As a student at IMPACT, I worked hard to re-activate my fight-or-flight response after years of being socialized to freeze and do nothing. I realized I can be quite dangerous.

My resistance to violence in real life might seem confusing if you’ve seen me cheering women on when they deliver powerful knees to the groins of their would-be assailants. In truth, delivering a powerful strike feels pretty good once you get past how emotional it can be. Cheering others along can help students get through uncomfortable emotions and socialized responses that may be unproductive. And it feels good to be powerful and to own your own power. That is what I’m cheering for.

However, it would be irresponsible of me to not acknowledge the existence of the cycle of violence. The vast majority of assailants were victims themselves and now hurt others as a way of seeking to feel powerful. We must remember that it was violence that created the assailant’s actions. Beating these men up will not solve the issue of violence in our community.

In every class, even while talking about my work at dinner parties, I bear witness to the suffering that violence inflicts and the ripple effect that the trauma can create. I want no part in doing that to someone else.

Yet, I do believe there is a difference between “ordinary” violence and violence that is committed only as a last resort for self-defense. I believe with every ounce of my being that you and I both have every right to defend ourselves from an attacker just as an animal has every right to defend themselves against a predator. But do I want that to happen? Is that how I want to cast my vote for change in our community?

No.

Not at all. My heart aches at the thought of it. But I do think the world is a better place when people learn they’re worth defending and have skills to prevent violence, both physically and verbally. I am proud that IMPACT deals with different levels of violence prevention; I’m proud that we work with personal safety and community safety and cultural change. Clearly one single route to violence prevention is not enough.

Sparring & Sports vs. Self-Defense

Many sports, at their root, undoubtedly were created to develop and practice physical skills that can also be used in real-life situations. The interesting piece is when we forget how to separate the game aspect of sports from the physical skills gained.

When I teach, I have the opportunity to work with a lot of young athletes, including martial artists, boxers and wrestlers. Their practice in sports often makes them better prepared to strategize and think about physical technique. What they’ve learned on the mat clearly comes out in IMPACT classes, from their enhanced body awareness to willingness to confront violence. It’s evident that they’ve already given a lot of thought to the topic of aggressors and power and domination.

So it’s interesting when I hear intermediate level women in martial arts say they could never defend themselves in real life and would just have to run from an assailant. I’m fascinated when I hear teen boys talk about drawing out an attacker and fooling them into striking first and howling that it’s a “cheap shot” when they see IMPACT students deliver groin strikes.

The physical skills we practice at IMPACT are remarkably similar to those learned in sports. However, at IMPACT, we always keep our eye on one thing: assailants are not looking for a good fight. They are looking for an easy target. And in that situation, there’s no such thing as fighting “fair.” It’s not about scoring a point. It’s about changing the assailant’s mind by yelling and showing you’re willing to defend yourself.

Why are strikes below the belt illegal moves in all sporting arenas? Because they END the fight! There’s no match after that. He’s not going to get up and rally to score another point. So, when fighting for sport, it makes sense that this is forbidden. However, in real life, if your life and safety or that of someone you love is at stake- go for the groin! It’s not about being fair; it’s not about complex strategy and drawing him out. Thankfully, it’s much simpler than that – at least physically.

This is what makes self-defense for the average person so easily attainable. It’s not complex. You don’t have to be in good shape. Find the courage to register for a class so that you know you could defend yourself without being overcome by socialization or fear. Practice the verbal skills that you’re more likely to need in real life. Then… bask in the knowledge that if necessary, you can defend yourself and your family and friends. 20 hours. It’s that simple.

Saying Goodbye to “Stranger Danger”

We pride ourselves at IMPACT for basing our programs on solid research and responding to dangers in the community. Occasionally the research or the danger changes, which means our program changes.
A Washington Post article from 2010 summarized data from the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children showing how rare stranger abductions are in the United States. IMPACT’s children’s class has always emphasized boundary-setting with people you know more than safety with strangers. We do this because data shows the majority of assaults and abuse of children are perpetrated by people they know.
IMPACT is shifting its children’s classes to incorporate this research, and because we have found a few issues with strict rules with strangers. The first issue is that following these rules often becomes more important than listening to one’s intuition, which is an important skill for a child to cultivate. Children are also likely to break the “stranger rules” if they need help, which can be confusing (a policeman is also a stranger). Teaching them to avoid strangers may create xenophobia and decrease an impetus to intervene as bystanders that witness violence. We believe this later works against the safe communities we all try to create. Most skills we teach with strangers in our adult and teen classes are transferable skills (i.e. skills that might be easier to role-play while imagining a stranger, though they can also be useful later with someone we know). IMPACT teaches awareness, yelling and physical techniques that are still appropriate and useful responses in stranger scenarios.
I am proud to announce that our children’s classes will continue focusing on teaching transferable skills, teaching awareness and boundary-setting with people that the children know (both adults and bullies) as well as physical self-defense skills with a non-specific “bad guy.” We will also incorporate role-plays with strangers where the children have to rely on their intuition (with coaching and feedback from staff and other students) to judge how to best interact and when they need to find a trusted adult.
Please join me in congratulating our staff in making this bold move to take a further step away from “stranger danger” in order to better prepare our children for life without scaring them. And if you have little ones, we’d love to see them in our class at the end of the month!

Why We Set Boundaries

People sometimes tell me that they hate conflict, and so setting boundaries is difficult for them. In reality, learning to set boundaries is perfect for the person who wants to avoid conflict because it prevents conflict from arising or becoming worse.

The true function of boundary-setting is to prevent problems from building up to the point that:

• You eventually explode and jeopardize the relationship;
• You avoid the person and/or have to end the relationship; or,
• It escalates into a more serious issue where physical or sexual assault may occur.

Boundary-setting does not mean asking for everything to go your way. It is not really a “boundary” for me to say, “I feel uncomfortable when you snort when you laugh. I need you to stop.” However, if a behavior is happening that may lead to one of the three points above, it’s my responsibility to bring it up.

Think about how shocking and awful it would feel for you to find out that you’d been doing something for months that significantly bothered someone you care about. Wouldn’t you want a chance to change it before your friend exploded or started avoiding you? Once it gets to that point, changing patterns is far more difficult. There may be serious hurts that have to be navigated and overcome.

Boundary-setting is personal safety.  Setting boundaries can create emotional safety in relationships as well as prevent assault.

It’s incredibly unlikely for the stranger on the street to assault us. Even when a stranger crosses our boundaries verbally, we don’t think nearly as much of it as when a family, friend or co-worker does the same. These are the skills that we need not only to stay safe, but also to create easier, joyful and fulfilling relationships.

Learning to Live Courageously

Life takes courage. It takes courage to talk with that person you have a crush on and takes even more courage to stick with it when things get tough. Raising children and suddenly being responsible for another life takes courage. It takes courage to go after the job or promotion that you want. It takes courage to stand up to a bully, whether at school or at work.

Students in our classes learn to develop their courage. It takes tremendous courage to face your worst fears on the mat. Whether you’re most afraid of rape or murder, setting a limit with a friend or a family member and then being rejected, or afraid of hurting another person emotionally or physically, we address it in our classes.
Yes, it’s scary. But the good news-?

Everything after that gets easier. The practice pays off. You learn how to steady your voice when you’re afraid, and you learn to hold your ground through your fear and anxiety.

The next time that surge of adrenaline and fear hits, it’s not so surprising. In fact, you start to expect it.  You know what it is and how to get through it instead of being overwhelmed and feeling controlled by it.  Maybe you even welcome it when it comes.

Practicing in a supportive environment can change that feeling of terror in the face of a challenge to noticing that that rush means you’re doing something worthwhile. That surge no longer paralyzes but actually provides you with the energy to do what’s necessary and take action.

Living fully requires action and living with conviction. Courage can be learned and practiced.

Getting My Body Back

I was not very athletic or coordinated when I was younger. I absorbed what many of my peers learned: girls’ bodies are there to look at. I was more aware of my body as something in the mirror than I was of it being something for my own use and enjoyment. Then, after experiencing trauma, I didn’t feel safe in my body.  This made being truly present a challenge – no wonder coordination was difficult for me. I also was vulnerable, like many girls and boys, to feel that if I couldn’t win in competitive environments, it would just be better to not try at all.
When I took my first Women’s Basics class, I was still weighed down by these feelings. And yet, I succeeded in learning to defend myself. There was no competition between students, and all women were supported in learning the physical skills, regardless of size, shape or physical ability. I learned the skills, and more importantly—I learned that I could count on my body. I discovered its power and its capacity to learn through challenges.

This trust that I built with my body went far. Within a year of taking the class, I traveled abroad and became enamored with salsa dancing, easily losing uncomfortable weight that I had carried since an abusive relationship years before. Hiking mountains and doing sports weren’t things I used to imagine myself doing—but now they bring me incredible satisfaction and joy.

By getting reconnected to my body through IMPACT, I discovered more of myself. Re-establishing this mind-body connection empowered me to joyfully inhabit my body once again. Certainly we can all make vows to change habits in the New Year, but oftentimes there are underlying issues we need to address in order to help us truly succeed.

My Friend, Adrenaline

My relationship to adrenaline – that hormone that gets the heart pumping and gives one the shakes – changed because of IMPACT.  IMPACT’s adrenaline-based classes teach students (including me, years ago) how to function when their nerves are jangled and they’re having trouble thinking clearly.  This comes from the behavior modification that instructors do in the moment of adrenaline that trains students in behaviors that lead to successful outcomes.  Through this training, our brains learn that we can function in spite of this hormone flowing through our bodies.

Since my first class, my relationship to adrenaline has become more conscious.  I’ve noticed adrenaline when I: had a grant deadline to meet and experienced technical difficulties minutes before the cut-off, drove a stick shift in traffic for the first time, talked in front of important groups, had difficult conversations, had a near-miss while driving… and probably lots more.

Each time, I noticed my response was to grumble amusedly, “My friend, adrenaline” in recognition of its sudden presence.  I may have not been altogether pleased to see my friend, but I understood what I was feeling.  In the past before my first class, I might have labeled it “panic”, “anxiety”, or “irritation” and gotten more “stressed out.”  After the class, I was able to identify it as a natural, physical reaction to what was going on and have a different, more productive relationship to it.

While these more everyday adrenaline experiences do not have a direct relationship to staying safe, I realize that this changed relationship to adrenaline is one of the ways IMPACT can improve one’s quality of life.  Adrenaline (and conflict) are natural parts of life; we will never change that, but we can change our responses to them.

Cultivating the “How Dare You?”

After my IMPACT class, I went from being complacent about my boundaries being crossed to a feeling of “How dare you?!”  I felt incredulous that anyone would take from me something that is mine by right.  Whether it was my right to speak up and say what I wanted, my right to dictate who touched me and when or how, or my right to feel safe in my own body – I felt the imposition of that person’s (or society’s/media’s) will over my own as truly outrageous.

It was – and is – that sense of indignation or outrage that helps us change things.  Without that sense, we don’t know how much something needs to change and how ready we are to change it.

I certainly don’t want to live with outrage as a constant sensation or feeling, but that spark is so useful for making the changes, saying what I need, or removing myself from a situation.  It is what precipitates everything that makes it better and gives us a sense of peace again.

It’s rare that I feel it so strongly anymore myself, because I have adjusted the major areas in my life so that I am more comfortable and am treated the way I need to be most of the time.

So, it’s educational and refreshing when I’m coaching students in class and I feel the “How Dare You” on their behalf.  It reminds me that this is the place where change starts.  This is where we begin to get what we need.  Whether it is an outside force or our “inner assailant” crossing our boundaries, the only appropriate and natural response is to say, “How dare you?”  When we are able to hear that voice, change is possible.

What It Takes To Stop An Assault (and how the media misrepresents that)

It takes less than you might imagine to stop an assault.  Stopping an assault is not about “winning” or being stronger than the assailant. Research shows that the majority of assailants are looking for someone who won’t stand up for themselves or someone easily provoked*.  Assailants are looking for someone who is easy to dominate and manipulate.  It takes very little to demonstrate that I will stand up for myself and that I won’t buy into his manipulations.

This is why simple defense techniques work.  By setting a boundary verbally or yelling, most assailants go away.  98% of our graduates report they have used their awareness and/or verbal skills to keep themselves safe.  2% report using a physical skill to stop an assault – and it was usually one or two strikes.  Defending ourselves and staying safe has nothing to do with physical size, strength, or fitness.  Effective defense requires that we believe we have a right to protect ourselves, the adrenaline management to act in the face of fear, and some knowledge of effective verbal and physical techniques.

National statistics reflect this trend.  A study on effective resistance shows that 3 out of 4 attempted rapes are prevented (“Real Knockouts: The Physical Feminism of Women’s Self-Defense”, Martha McCaughey.)  Who knew?!  What a great statistic!  Most rapes are prevented!  But in that same study, they found that 13 completed rapes are reported for every 1 prevented rape by news media.   And then, when prevented rapes were reported, the headline generally still read “rape”, not “prevented rape.”  That gives us the impression that rapes – and assaults in general – can’t be prevented when that is not true at all!

We need to believe it is possible to stop an assault in order to defend ourselves effectively.  It doesn’t require great skill or strength if it comes to physical defense, but it does require this belief.  We must also have the knowledge that we can keep ourselves safe in order to walk truly confidently down the street – coincidentally, producing the effective body language that deters assailants.

*It bears reminding that the majority of assaults happen by someone that you know rather than a stranger, but I think it is important to address the physical aspect of this concern – we address verbal strategies with people that you know in other articles. 

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