Blog – Page 6 – Resolve. Preventing Violence. Transforming Communities

Self Defense is for Lovers

After my first IMPACT class that was so life-changing, I talked everyone’s ear off about it, including my sister’s. I talked about what was taught, revelations about how my relationships were changing, and how I was coming to see myself differently. By the time I started working for IMPACT, my sister was very familiar with everything from the mundane details of fax machine grief to my glowing excitement as I learned to instruct.

Midway through that process she decided she wanted to take the class herself. I think it had more to do with my reports of instructor training than details about office equipment… But regardless, she signed up for the next class. We were chatting a couple weeks before the class started and she said, “You know, I think the class will make me nicer to people.” I asked her to explain what she meant. She talked about how she lives in an area where homeless people frequently ask for money on the street and she was intimidated by them. She did not treat them the way she wanted to because of her fear about her physical safety. Perhaps if she knew she could defend herself physically, then she could let herself be nicer to others and relate to them more compassionately.

I am still impressed with this observation. We do not learn self-defense skills to go around kneeing people in the groins or yelling “No!” all the time. And we don’t take it simply in anticipation of an attempted rape or murder. So why do it? One reason is that knowing you can defend yourself and trust your own intuition can help you feel safe – allowing others to get closer to you. It can be as simple as being willing to look a homeless man in the eye as you say hello and acknowledging that you can or can’t help him. Or it can relate to letting love into your life. Feeling safe and feeling empowered do more for us than prevent violence; feeling this way can help us become the people we want to be in relation to others.

-Alena Schaim is IMPACT’s Executive Director and an IMPACT Instructor

Empowering Youth to Prevent Violence

A week ago I taught a Gay-Straight Alliance in Albuquerque. It was great timing, as they’d been talking about the “gay suicides” that have been all over the news. I felt for them – they’re so upset about what they see going on in the world, that bullying has driven some of their far-away peers to suicide, and they don’t have the tools to stop it.

Without tools to even identify why this is happening, it is so difficult to prevent it from re-occurring. I asked the students what they did when they heard someone use the word “gay” as an insult or call someone a “fag.” I expected that they would say it depended on who it was and that they would tell them how hurt and/or offended they were by those words.

I didn’t expect that they would say it wasn’t a big deal.

That day, I taught our “Investigating the Roots of Violence” class that explores the connection between bias, language, and violence. We looked at the names people are called and violence that happens to them based on race, class, gender, sexuality, etc. to keep them in the “boxes” that society dictates. We explore: What are accepted stereotypes of a latino man? What does a woman get called when she is assertive? What range of violence is committed so that different people will not claim their individuality and their power?

It is not surprising that teenagers don’t see the connection between language, politics and violence. It is also not surprising that everyone will work on the issue most important to them, whether it is violence against women, racially motivated violence, GLBTQ rights, or any other social issue that inherently involves addressing power imbalances. However, until we teach our youth about and are willing to see the connection between all these manifestations of violence, and start working together at addressing the origins, we will struggle to make profound change.

My hope for the coverage of GLBTQ suicides is that it will help us find more ways to work together to make the world a more desirable place to live for all of our youth.

Self-Care

Self-Care (Preventing Another Effect of Vicarious Traumatization)

Domestic violence workers, teachers, substance abuse counselors, and many others are often reminded to care for ourselves in the face of hearing about and seeing so many tragedies. It is necessary for everyone to care for him/herself. Most people hear “self-care” and think of spa days, time off, more time alone or with loved ones, eating better… I would like to suggest an addendum:

One of the best ways we can care for ourselves is to feel prepared in the face of all the heartache and tragedy we see. Whether you see it in your office/clinic/classroom/dinner with a friend or relative, or only on the evening news, we all have the need to identify and understand what we see in the world.

The best way to feel prepared is knowing and having practiced a response for similar situations. This can help us let go of those stories that stay with us. Our hearts can connect with compassion and empathy for others’ stories without taking on their worries. We don’t have to wonder, “Gosh, what would I do if that happened to me now? I don’t know.” Or, in the case of some survivors, “I still don’t know.”

You deserve the answer to that question. Having a plan and having practiced it doesn’t mean that it would go exactly that way (when does it?), but it can mean that you will feel more prepared and have an easier time filing those stories away so that they’re not always weighing on your mind.

It is certainly not the only solution. But it can be a part of a comprehensive self-care program that supports you in being the compassionate individual you want to be in a sustainable way.

Parents Protecting Kids

After the attempted abduction reported in the news last year, our public children’s classes have experienced the highest demand ever. Several parents confided that though they had delayed sending their children to a class for a variety of reasons, seeing these news stories crystallized the need for them.?

I think that it’s very important for parents to know what we teach in class before registering their child(ren). So, I talk with families about it being taught in a fun, friendly, and non-scary way; I describe the different aspects: awareness, verbal, and physical skills; strangers, people they know, bullies, a safe person who can help…

I then describe the premise the entire class hinges on. I tell them that we ask the 6-12 year-olds, “If you are with an adult, whose job it is to keep you safe?” The children usually answer in chorus, “The adult’s!” In this way, they can clarify that the skills they are learning are for only when they are alone.

They’re very clear about it, you see. However, after six hours of training, often a 6 year-old knows more in a factual, experiential, proven way about personal safety than his/her parent.

In order to care for your children, you have to know more than them in key areas. If I want my child to eat well, I have to know what foods to buy. Certainly, I hope that she will choose well when alone based on what I’ve taught her and what she’s learned in school, but the overall fitness of her diet depends on me and she knows that.

We must learn to take care of ourselves in order to care for our young people. Knowing that his/her guardian can protect him/her in case of danger is much of what makes a child feel safe. It’s even better when you know that it’s true.

Ending Self-Violence

Many are unaware that at IMPACT we not only teach students techniques to prevent or defend themselves against violence from others, but we also give them tools to address the internal violence that they experience every day.

Think about it. Who was the last person who called you fat or ugly, called you stupid for something you thought, or found a flaw and wouldn’t let go? If you’re like most of us, it was that negative voice inside. At IMPACT, we call it the “internal mugger” or “internal assailant.” Our Suited Instructors like to joke that it’s their jobs to “assault” the students and that students should leave those thoughts alone.

It’s true. The violence that we inflict upon ourselves can be just as disabling as the violence that we can experience or have experienced at the hands of others. There are many good books that look at the source of this negative voice, but imagine a life – or just a day – where you didn’t have that cruel voice inside. Just as you imagine a world without fearing violence from others, imagine a day where you used the verbal skills learned in class to compassionately tell that inner assailant to leave you alone. Imagine speaking to yourself using the words and tone you deserve.

If we want to eradicate violence in the world, we must start with ourselves. Don’t just say “no” to violence. Say “no” to all forms of violence, including violence against yourself.

Risk Tolerance and Safety

Those of you who are familiar with investing – or gambling, for that matter – understand the concept of “risk tolerance.” Risk tolerance describes whether someone invests in property, stocks, the quarter slot machine, high stakes blackjack, or whether they stay at home with a piggy bank and or a stash under the mattress!

Humans have a similar range of risk tolerance when it comes to personal safety. Some might judge other people’s choices as foolhardy. Some might think other people are timidly avoiding life. But it comes down to is choices. What can we, as individuals, live with? What level of risk am I willing to take to do something I might enjoy?

This is why the typical A, B, C approaches to personal safety and safety tips usually don’t work. Usually, safety tips read as “Do these things and if you do, you’ll be safe. If you don’t follow them, well, you’re just asking for it, aren’t you??” But there is no one formula to stay safe. There are areas I should consider and about which I should make thoughtful choices. But no one can tell you what will be right for you personally.

We recently wrote new safety tips to reflect the “choose your own adventure” nature of life. They are not steadfast rules. They’re issues and areas you might consider when planning your day and how to best enjoy it.

Discovering How We Survived

Some people, particularly those who advocate for survivors, may worry that promoting self-defense encourages victim-blaming. In a society where a woman is raped and then can be interrogated in court about her own sexual history or what she was wearing, this is a grave concern. We don’t want to do anything that makes it seem like the violence of others is in any way the victim’s fault. To be clear, it is not. Ever.

And yet we cannot let this concern stop us from preventing future violence in the lives of our children or help those we care about to avoid being re-victimized. Everyone does the best they can with the tools they have at the time. We cannot re-write the past. But a good self-defense program not only gives tools for the future, but can help survivors identify things they did in the past that helped them survive and reduce the violence.

Some of the things survivors might identify in retrospect are being quiet as children to avoid a beating, or choosing the location of the (inevitable) next act of violence where they knew it would be safer or less severe. Others asked their rapists to wear condoms and thereby reduced their trauma by advocating for themselves. Still others identify that they successfully used “humanizing” (a verbal dissuasion technique) with their dates who had intended to rape them.

Identifying how we acted to protect ourselves in the past helps heal old wounds and acknowledge our own spirit for survival. We can use this to quiet our internalized victim-blamer, as well as use it as a resource moving forward.

It Takes a Village

“It Takes a Village…” – on Bystanders

The African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child,” has become very popular in the United States in recent years. Similarly, it takes a community to stay safe. It requires that we look out for one another and one another’s children rather than say, “Oh, that’s the police’s job.” Or, “I’m sure they’re taking care of that at school.” Or, “I’m sure CYFD’s already been called” or, “It’s none of my business.”

To have a safe community requires that each of us act when we see or suspect an act of violence. It doesn’t, however, require that we jump into the middle of the fray. First of all, the risk of getting physically involved may be too great, and we may be unable to stay safe in our efforts to help. Also, there might be an even better tool to use, like getting a person of authority involved.

In order to be able to care for others, we must first care for ourselves. Have you ever listened when the flight attendant explains oxygen mask protocol? First you should secure your own mask before helping a child or another person with his/hers. The reason is very practical: if you stop breathing, you will not be much help to that other person. And, of course, after securing our own masks, we would all certainly help that other person.

The same is true for other safety issues. If we can ensure our own safety, why wouldn’t we help when we saw an act of violence; whether it seemed to be an assailant against a stranger, a husband against his wife, or a parent against a child?

At IMPACT, we teach that personal safety is about assessing the situation as well as the tools that we have to be safe. The same is useful for community safety. Maybe my best tool is my cell phone and calling 911 when I hear shouting and glass breaking in the apartment next door. Maybe my brother’s best tool when seeing a guy trying to take a drunk woman home is to offer her a ride home himself and to tell the guy it’s not going to happen.

As a small woman, am I going to be the best person to break up a fight between two guys in a parking lot? Probably not. I teach self-defense; I can keep myself safe. So, why not? Just as assailants target their intended victims in different ways based on how they perceive them, if I intervene when I see someone being threatened or assaulted, how I’m perceived is also going to play a role in how effective I am.

We all have to assess our best tools. Anyone who tells you that there is a set formula for dealing with these difficult issues is not acknowledging their complexity. There are many ways of helping out and staying safe. It might look different for different people with different skills. It’s not to say that one way is right and one is wrong. It’s about determining what tools we have in different situations.

It takes all of us to keep our communities safe.

The way I as a small woman who teaches violence prevention and self-defense interacts with a situation will be different than a large man with no formal training.

However, just as when keeping ourselves safe, we have to decide: What is going on? What tools do I have to best handle the situation?
It is our responsibility to help when another person’s wellbeing is at stake. However, that doesn’t mean jumping into the middle of the fray. Believing that we have to tackle someone to keep them safe is the same simple mistake that people make when they assume that “personal safety” and “self-defense” only address physical skills.
It’s true – any decision we make around safety is a calculated risk. At IMPACT, we talk about assessing the situation as well as the tools that we have. So, if I witness a scenario where two men are fighting outside of a bar and one draws a knife- am I going to jump in there? No! My best tool for that scenario is my cell phone. Now, if I see children getting into trouble in my neighborhood, what is my best tool?

More Powerful than Our Obstacles

It’s the time of New Year’s resolutions. Many people’s resolutions revolve around health: eat better, exercise more, reduce stress, quit smoking or drinking. Others seem to be more external: get a new hobby, travel more, talk with my brother more… Culturally, many of us roll our eyes at these resolutions, either because we know they are too often unfulfilled or seem superficial. Yet, if you look at it, almost all resolutions center around one theme: quality of life. I deserve more.

It only seems fitting to mention another area that we all deserve: I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to know the answers to the things that run through my mind when I go out to my car alone at night. I deserve to know the responses to the questions that come up when I consider the nightly news. In fact, I deserve to have such thorough responses to these worries that they rarely cross my mind. I deserve to know what my life could become if I lived without fear. I deserve the improved relationships that come from being honest with myself and others about what I want.

It sounds thrilling and exciting and scary all at once for me to consider these things, even though all of this has already happened for me. I remember what it was like before my IMPACT class considering doing these things for myself. It can seem overwhelming. Even good things that will make us extraordinarily fulfilled can be overwhelming.

Many of our graduates actually report that after taking the Basics course, they find things they’ve wanted to change in their lives somehow happen and the obstacles melt away. Issues they’ve struggled with for years somehow hold less power over them now that they feel so powerful and have more tools. At IMPACT, we know that it’s possible for everyone to be this powerful even when they don’t know it for themselves.

More than a Few Good Men

Most men are good men. And the good men I know will tell you how sexual violence has affected their lives. Yes, some of them are survivors themselves. Yet, even the majority who are not survivors say that it affects them. They have friends who have confided their suffering at the hands of those who said they loved them. They become lovers of others who have experienced sexual assault and often bear witness to and help their partners work to put aside old scars. They have children to care for and worry about protecting from sexual violence.

Perhaps most notably, many men tell me about crossing the street to avoid scaring a woman who is walking alone. Others tell me about acting carefully when working late hours with a woman so as to not say anything that might intimidate her. Some men go out of their way to seem friendly and engaging to women while other men choose to almost ignore them. They use whatever strategy they think will minimize the threat she may feel: the threat that simply being a man carries in our society.

Women can tell you a list a mile long about what they do to prevent being a victim of sexual assault. It can range from carrying mace to how they dress to where they go at what hour and with whom. Yet as a woman, I don’t have to worry about scaring another human being the way men do.

I used to concentrate so much on men as potential perpetrators that I really didn’t acknowledge what many of them did to make me feel safe. Now that I carry that sense of safety inside me, I am able to truly appreciate how caring and connected the vast majority of men are.

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