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Violence in the Media

Violence in the Media Creates Fear, Not Just Violence

I love watching movies with my friends. I deeply dislike violence in the media. But, you know, the one perk to it is hearing my friends shout (at home on the couch!) “Poke his eyes! Groin!” as the poor woman on the screen is unable to do anything in the countless situations she falls victim to. After all, one in eight Hollywood movies depict sexual assault.

Many of us know that the violent scenes in the movies and TV are primarily put in gratuitously to titillate the viewer. Frequently it is not crucial to the plot, and even when it is, they show far more detail than necessary. Thankfully my friends are very adept at helping the (usually) woman get out of the situation – the situation we were all warning her not to get into in the first place. Because we knew, right? There was ominous music that she clearly ignored when she walked down that alley!

Now, putting aside the significant lack of skills that the average heroine [sic] in a movie has, there is another issue to be addressed here… Just how many rapists are hanging out in the bushes with knives or sneaking in windows?? Watching a movie, TV, or the six o’clock news, you’d think that that was the most common threat that people faced. Yet, statistically, 70%-80% of sexual assault victims knew their attackers. But that is not what we see on TV. Why?

It’s less exciting! News stations will search the nation to find the most scandalous act of violence to bring to your home television. The craving for the most extreme violence out there is appalling enough. But what is even more disturbing is what these images do to people’s expectations in life. Those who would walk with confidence become plagued with the dangers that supposedly lurk around every corner. Many become afraid of walking in nature or of feeling a breeze through their window because it appears that that is where the biggest risk exists.

Much of the focus of violence in the media has been to speculate whether it promotes violence in real life. However, it decidedly cultivates and shapes people’s fears. And I, for one, a m outraged that in the name of informing and entertaining society, that it is scaring people I love into living smaller, more cautious lives than necessary.

Consent

Yes! Yes! Yes! = Consent Means Enthusiastic Consent

This past month IMPACT piloted our new seminar, From Sexual Assault to Consent: A Proactive Solution with St. John’s College. We served their entire freshman class and half of their upperclassmen. The students loved it because guess what? We talked about sex! And you know, philosophy is cool and all, but what college student isn’t dying to talk about that?!

Nationally, 1 in 4 college women will experience sexual assault during her academic career and 70%-80% of the time she knows the assailant. However, almost 50% of college women who were victims of rape according to the study’s definition did not consider what had happened to them rape. Many of these and other sexual experiences may fall under the category of what has been called “gray rape.” It did not feel good; it may have felt violating or shameful; and yet it was not clear to them that it was a sexual assault. Many sexual experiences fall in a gray area where she didn’t actually want to, but he didn’t know that.

How do we prevent these regretted experiences from happening in the future? Communication skills. Communication skills are not only the key to preventing regretted experiences, but they are also the key to good sex! How can you be sure that someone wants to kiss you before you lean in? A kiss is rarely simultaneously initiated! Someone has to tilt his/her head first! So how do you know it’s wanted? Ask! It doesn’t have to be stilted. Sure, it might be strange at first. But it feels so much better knowing that you’re kissing someone who wants to kiss you. It feels better to go to bed with someone knowing they really want to go to bed with you also!

This is an exciting seminar because it shifts the onus of responsibility from the receiver to say ‘no” to both pa rties saying “yes” for consent to be given. And really, most of us would rather have a sexual experience where the other person is saying “Yes. Yes!” or “Well, not that, but I really like what you’re doing now!” or <I>”Oh yeah!”</I>

Safety is a Human Right

Talking with others as a self-defense instructor, the hesitant statement-as-question often comes up: “I run by myself. …?” The question mark at the end of the sentence and looking down and then up at me tells me that they are waiting to be chastised for being so brazen. Other people hear what I do at IMPACT and expound on the dangers of the world, remarking incredulously that they have friends who dare to go hiking – and sometimes hiking alone!

Let me tell you something: It is your divine human right as an animal on this earth to walk, run, hike, or generally leave your house. It is also, of course, your right to stay on your sofa if it’s comfy or at your desk and read this article!

But this is a crucial point. If you didn’t hear me the first time: Feeling safe to wander the earth is a human right. It is not a privilege only to be afforded to men (though they do not always feel safe either.) It is not something only for the privileged. It is not a women’s rights issue. You have a right to feel safe going out and doing what you love. And you can! If you wonder what you might do in a given situation, take a personal safety class. But please don’t question whether you should do what you love. Because you should do what makes you feel good!

The Other Side of Every Fear is a Freedom

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.
– Marilyn Ferguson

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
-Dorothy Thompson

People often see me around and tell me sheepishly that they have known about IMPACT for years but have not walked in the door yet. And they frequently say it as if this is something uncommon or to be embarrassed about! Let me tell you something: I get it. It’s scary to come to a class to face your fears. And if there were nothing more to our classes than fear, none of us would do it.

What I love about facing fear is what comes on the other side. Now that I have taken an IMPACT course, I can tell myself, well, gosh, if I’ve already faced my fears of rape and murder (in a safe environment, of course!,) I can certainly handle trying out circus camp with Wise Fool and getting on some stilts. Everything pales in comparison to those ultimate fears that I had and most women have. So facing our fears ultimately makes us live richer lives.

A friend of mine admitted to me recently that she might be interested in taking our introductory class. She realized when an acquaintance touched her shirt that she didn’t like it, but did nothing to stop him in the moment and felt frozen. Was that a life-threatening experience? No! But to me that was a beautiful moment when she realized that her quality of life could be better and she wants that for herself.

Wanting a higher quality of life is what IMPACT students are looking for. It’s not that we can’t wait to feel scared and afraid! We have a hunger for something on the other side. That’s what we’re after and we are worth that breath of freedom.

Knowledge is power. Knowledge is scary?

When it comes to safety for children, adults often have to do the dance of “how much do I say?”  One doesn’t want to frighten a child by explaining dangers in graphic detail, but neither is it truly protecting a child to let him or her remain ignorant and without skills to deal with issues that may come up.

At IMPACT we use the example of crossing the street to discuss personal safety.  If I am teaching a child to cross the street, I will certainly not talk about broken bones and blood, hospital visits, years of therapy and possible death.  Nor will I just say, “go ahead and cross” without discussing looking for cars, judging speed, etc.  Similarly, when preparing our children to be safe in the world, we certainly don’t need to talk about the horrors of molestation or kidnappings.  It also would be irresponsible to send them off to school, dance class, or soccer without preparing them in some way for people or behaviors they might encounter.

The fact is that as caring moms, dads, aunts, etc. you cannot be there all the time to protect them.  And if they have ever walked through the room when you were watching the news or a more adult show, overheard an adult conversation, or even heard something from a friend – they already have some worries.  Giving them the skills to address them in a fun, age-appropriate way actually makes them feel safer.   By giving tools rather than statistics, children can feel strong and confident without needing to know the full context within which they’re getting them.

Keeping Our Boys & Men Safe

The sexual assaults of boys at Robertson High School in Las Vegas, New Mexico this past August that were called “hazing” were a wake-up call for many in our community. It received much attention from the press because male survivors rarely speak about their experiences due to the added social stigma attached to male sexual assault.

One in six boys will experience sexual assault before age 16. Though this statistic is appalling, men and boys are even more likely to experience physical assault than sexual assault. And yet, most people believe that violence and self-defense are women’s issues.

In our society there is an assumption that if you are a man or a boy you automatically know how to protect yourself. When a boy is hurt by another teen at school, it is called a “fight” instead of an assault. We as a society need to tease out that men and boys are frequently unwilling participants in these altercations and simply don’t have the tools to address them.

In our culture, there is a popular image of the father leaving and telling his young s on that it’s up to him to be the “man of the house now” or to “take care of his mom.” We rarely give thought to how unfair this task is for a boy coming of age or how even a grown man walking a woman to her car has little more cause for confidence than physical strength and the belief that he is less of a target for violence.

Men and boys deserve our support. Think of all the men you know who keep an eye on their friends when they’re out or step in the middle of conflict to protect someone else. It’s great that men and boys are responding to the message to protect their loved ones. But let’s acknowledge what we ask of them, and ask them if they’re prepared.

Walk With Confidence

I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had with a new friend about her years working in rough neighborhoods of a large city.  She told me that she was especially sure to be aware, use eye contact and carry herself with a “Don’t mess with me” energy when passing people in the evenings.  She said that at the time she spoke with a friend who discouraged this, saying that “overconfidence” was a liability since she, as a smaller woman, could probably not prevent an assault.

My friend asked me if this was true, and admitted that her friend’s comment had sort of cut into her self-esteem and feeling of security after that.  I explained that people of all sizes and strengths can –particularly with training– do something to prevent assault.  Although it is not uncommon, it is frustrating that anyone who considers themselves supportive of women or children would paint them as completely vulnerable without recourse.  This attitude assumes that 1) physical self-defense is the only kind of assault prevention and 2) perpetrators choose their victims purely by perceived physical weakness.

Neither of these things is true.  The US Department of Justice has done a study that shows assailants are looking for two things: someone who is not paying attention and someone who looks easy to dominate.  It has little to do with size.  These studies essentially argue for walking with confidence, making eye contact, etc.  It’s rare that someone proudly tells me, “Yesterday I passed a guy who creeped me out, so I looked at him and nothing happened!”  Yet this is a success story – one that happens all the time.  These stories are important and undervalued ways that we keep ourselves safe.

Now, does feeling confident and making eye contact mean challenging someone to a duel?  Of course not!  We take self-defense classes so that we can fear less and live more.  And clearly- to reduce the chances of assault.  There is a beautiful balance to be struck in not being paranoid but not being aggressive – simply going about life confidently knowing that you can deal with what comes your way.

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