A few weeks ago when I was driving, I noticed a car get out of my way and then abruptly pull behind me. I was puzzled when he turned into the same parking lot as I did, parking nearby for the same business. I was unsettled enough by the turn of events that I delayed in the car, thinking I would let him go in first to avoid further trouble, even if it turned out to be just a coincidence.
After a few moments of not seeing him pass in the rearview mirror, I decided I didn’t want to be late and got out to go in. I was startled to see him watching me as I crossed to the business. Instead of getting out to go to a destination, the man started his car and slowly drove past, looking me over, and then drove away.
I went in, noticing my feelings of confusion, anger and worry, and considered asking someone at the front desk to keep a look out. I also reviewed what I knew about his car and his appearance, wondering if I could identify him if he came back – worst-case scenario – and did something to my car.
I had plans to be there for over an hour, and for the first few minutes, I was preoccupied as I decided what I wanted to do and worked out what I thought happened and why he went away.
This could be a story about fear and the dangers of driving these days. It isn’t though – for me, at least. For me, it’s a story with two important components.
- I had a plan. In fact, I had several plans. As events unfolded, I sifted through my plans and shifted them as I took in more information. Instead of feeling panicked, I was weighing my options.
- I’m a rather petite woman. More likely than not, I was not the person he was hoping to get into a verbal argument with and then hit. Undoubtedly, he’d had a bad day, if not a hard time for a while, and was looking for someone to take it out on. I wasn’t that target. If I was a man, things might have been different.
I love the small fact encompassed in Point #1: We cannot control the world around us and avoid every situation, but we can plan for when things happen.
Point #2 is more complex and sad for me. Violence against men is largely unacknowledged and minimized or misinterpreted (for example, calling a situation a “fight” instead of an “assault”). It is unfair for men to be expected to not only be able to defend themselves, but also the women and children in their lives with absolutely no training at all.
Men are targeted because of being men just as women are targeted because they are women (as are LGBTQ individuals, older people, etc.)
We all deserve to have the assurance of having a plan, instead of having to depend on circumstance and not being an assailant’s “ideal target” in order to stay safe.