Tag: “Tips”/Choices

Rethinking Awareness as a Safety Strategy

Traditionally, awareness is taught as a series of tips. “Look around when you’re walking to your car.” “Don’t text or talk on the phone.” We often critique these tips as inherently victim-blaming as well as largely irrelevant since most violence, unfortunately, is committed by people we know. We also have noticed that awareness, in the larger sense, actually is less about looking around and more about a certain lack of denial about what’s going on.

Awareness is better defined as a willingness to see or bear witness.

I can think of a number of times when I was ardently taking self-defense classes when I was younger, wanting to address fears based on a history of violence, where I was taught by very well-intentioned instructors to look in the backseat of my car when I got in, etc. Meanwhile, I was beginning to date people who teased me too much and crossed my physical boundaries, and my classes didn’t address these early warning signs at all.

I hope we all agree that the responsibility and blame always lies with the person who chooses to use violence and manipulation, and never with the victim. Meanwhile, I wanted to learn strategies to increase my own safety – these two simultaneous truths are what Lynne Marie Wannamaker describes as “the self-defense paradox.”

Unfortunately, the strategies for awareness I was being taught had nothing to do with the actual threats I faced. I would have benefited much more if I’d been taught about healthy relationships and dynamics of abuse, told the statistics of violence by strangers vs. people we know, and practiced better strategies to negotiate boundaries and deal with threats of physical violence.

Feeling unprepared or as though the reality of the truth would be crushing can explain our responses to everything from ignoring when someone is behaving as though they are about to steal in a local store to ignoring the signs of child abuse. It is rarely about literally not turning our heads and scanning the environment to see the behavior. More often, it is that we see it or hear it, and our brains thoughtfully screen it out in order to protect us from something that feels overwhelming.

For me, this is exciting, because it means that instead of thinking that we’ve been doing something wrong all our lives (not looking around), it simply means that we might benefit from believing ourselves more and discovering more tools to gain confidence in ourselves.

Ending Violence, Achieving Justice

Today, IMPACT is participating in One Billion Rising, a global movement to speak out against violence against women. Below are the statements Alena is making outside and inside the Capitol.

What a powerful day to be speaking with so many others across the world about violence against women!

The reality is that prevention efforts aimed at keeping women and others who experience violence safe is most frequently packaged in language that blames victims and perpetuates patriarchy and other systems of oppression. Told to not drink, not wear that skirt, not go out at night, to that neighborhood – as if our actions alone can prevent sexual assault.

Individual action might work if violence were the only issue. If violence against women were the only issue, maybe-

However, at IMPACT, we find it important to call out violence for what it is: a tool of oppression. When we recognize violence as a tool of oppression, that means that we MUST come together as a community. Individual avoidance or action is not enough.

It means that we must recognize violence against women is not the only issue that needs addressing. We must address racism, classism, xenophobia, ableism, homophobia, transphobia… all of the factors that we know put individuals in our community at greater risk for violence. It means we must acknowledge that patriarchy hurts not just women, but also our boys and men who are victimized at home or hurt because how they act or dress does not fit into stereotypes of traditional masculinity.

I’m proud to be a part of a community that has so many quality agencies working on these issues. When people need to reach out about sexual violence and/or domestic violence, Solace and Esperanza are there. Increasingly, medical teams throughout the city know how to respond to and compassionately invite disclosure about domestic violence. At IMPACT, we work to provide strategies to both prevent violence in our communities and help survivors heal and feel safer in their daily lives and relationships.

All of these are ways to develop individual and community safety and resilience. Meanwhile, if we are to really develop safer communities, we must consider issues from immigration reform to access to public bathrooms for transgender people and others. We need to investigate every issue that arises and consider: does it have implications for whether our communities are safer?

________________________________________

We need a solution to violence that does not sell us the prospect of safety packaged in language that blames victims and perpetuates systems of oppression.

We are told to stand up for ourselves, yet many of us already know the risk inherent in that “solution.”

Instead of being supported by the judicial system like George Zimmerman was when he felt needlessly threatened by a young black boy, women, people of color and LGBT people regularly go to prison for defending themselves when faced with violence. Whether it is Marissa Alexander, a young black mother who stopped her abusive ex-husband from possibly killing her; or CeCe McDonald, a young transgender woman who defended herself when attacked in a transphobic and racist hate crime, people across the nation go to prison for “standing up for themselves.”

As long as our prevention efforts and judicial systems use bias as the basis for advice and decisions, we will not end violence and we will not achieve justice.

Fighting Violence Where It Lives

(This article was written by Meg Stone, the director of IMPACT Boston, and originally appeared here.)

Usually, after a trend of violence committed by strangers, media outlets respond by offering women advice about how to stay safe. The tips are sometimes consistent with good research on which resistance strategies are most effective. Other times, though, safety advice consists of laundry lists of ways women should limit their lives (don’t wear headphones, don’t reach into your purse, keep your hands free at all times, etc.).

I am heartened when I see people addressing their feelings of fear by seeking out information and learning more about what they can do to protect themselves. At the same time, the safety advice most people are giving and getting is only relevant to a minority of assaults: those perpetrated by strangers.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, only about 13 percent of sexual assaults in the United States are committed by strangers. Perpetrators are much more likely to be dating partners, family members, and acquaintances.

So why do the news media, law enforcement officials and, yes, self-defense experts place almost all of their focus on helping women protect themselves from relatively uncommon acts of violence?

It’s because the steps we need to take to prevent rapes perpetrated by people we know are far more difficult. Looking for taxi medallions to ensure that drivers are properly licensed, or crossing the street when we suspect that someone is following us doesn’t disrupt our core beliefs about the people and places that are supposed to be safe.

We are conditioned to feel afraid in dark parking lots, but when we go on first dates, we want to flirt and connect. What if a new person we’re excited about dating ignores us when we say we’re not comfortable with physical affection in public? What if this person tells us we should lighten up and stop being such a prude? It’s painful to wonder whether those actions are warning signs that the person will disrespect other intimate boundaries.

When the concern about safety arises in our own families, the situation can be even harder. What if a beloved grandfather or uncle is touching a child or teenager in a sexually suggestive way? Keeping an act of abuse from escalating may require several family members getting involved. That means they have to be courageous enough to admit there’s a problem and trust and respect each other enough to address it together.

This can be painful. Sometimes too painful.

So instead, we focus most of our energy elsewhere. We become more vigilant about parking lots and taxi cabs. And as long as this heightened awareness doesn’t perpetuate racial stereotypes or cause us to limit our lives unnecessarily, it’s ultimately good. But I hope that this recent wake-up call doesn’t stop with strangers.

If reading the news has prompted us to have more conversations about sexual assault at our dinner tables and in our human resources departments, I hope we will also think about the thousands of acts of sexual violence that never make the news and what we can do about them.

– Meg Stone
Executive Director of IMPACT Boston

Feeling Safe in an Unsafe World

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” -Madeleine L’Engle

Choosing to prepare is a courageous act. It requires that you face that there are no guarantees in life; it requires that you concede that risk and vulnerability are natural parts of life.

This, I believe, is why our classes can seem frightening to some. It is not because of what we do in the classes — in reality, we structure the entire class around supporting students and helping them to feel safe as they address their fears. However, the act of admitting that there is, in fact, a reason why we should learn violence prevention and self-defense strategies, can be daunting.

In our classes, we don’t focus on the bad or scary aspects. We have seen enough assaults on TV, described on the news, and oftentimes, experienced in our own lives, to last a lifetime. So, at IMPACT, we have a chance to focus on what we can do.

When I teach, I tell students to focus on what I am doing, rather than on what the assailant character is doing, for this reason. It takes effort to shift one’s gaze from the actions of the attacker to that of the person defending herself. It is entirely possible that one could become consumed with threat and forget to move on to one’s own agency. Focusing on your agency doesn’t mean ignoring the threat, rather that we have chosen to focus on options we have to increase our safety in an inherently unsafe world.

I think that this — perhaps even more than the verbal strategies and physical techniques taught in class — may be the most beneficial part of the class: guidance about how to approach violence and risk in a healthy and honest way, and in a way that focuses on our own agency as individuals and as families.

Preparing Girls for Dating, Parties & Friendships

When I was checking out colleges as a teenager, I was concerned about safety on campus. So I asked questions. I noticed many schools had blue light emergency phones on campus, and many of my questions centered around their presence or absence. I experienced a rude awakening when I encountered a student generous enough to answer my questions.

She was passionate and indignant as she noted the blue lights were nowhere nearby when her “friends” who she trusted raped her. She told my 17-year-old self that rape usually happens by someone you know.

That conversation stuck with me for over a decade, but it wasn’t enough to stop me from having to learn it firsthand. Even majoring in Women’s Studies did not prevent me from entering an abusive relationship during my college years.

What I needed were concrete skills and strategies. I needed to think of safety as something that I should be conscious of in my relationships, not just when I was walking alone at night. I needed to learn to connect behaviors in my relationships to larger patterns of abuse. I needed to practice having difficult conversations, and I needed to see breaking up as an option that did not indicate failure. I needed someone to tell me that while it is always the perpetrator’s fault and never the victim’s, that I could take action and do something about it.

Whenever I think of the lack of preparation we give girls for the situations they are bound to face with dating, parties and friendships, I keep coming to one conclusion: It’s just not fair.

It’s simply not fair to know, as adults, the situations our young women are bound to face and not prepare them with the skills to negotiate them. It’s not fair to ask them to depend on the men around them to have good intentions in order to stay free from violence. It’s not fair to only arm them with “don’t wear a short skirt” or “run away & get help” as their only defenses to complex situations.

As a teen, I didn’t know the right questions to ask. So, as adults, we need to ask the colleges and universities where we send our children how they prevent sexual assault on campus — with programs, not just with security staff and emergency phones. We need to ask our college prep and high school programs how they are preparing girls for situations that could seriously jeopardize their academic success as well as emotional well-being. And we need to ask them how they’re preparing boys for situations they may face and how they can become agents to stop sexual violence as well.

When Confronted with Road Rage, I Had a Paln

A few weeks ago when I was driving, I noticed a car get out of my way and then abruptly pull behind me. I was puzzled when he turned into the same parking lot as I did, parking nearby for the same business. I was unsettled enough by the turn of events that I delayed in the car, thinking I would let him go in first to avoid further trouble, even if it turned out to be just a coincidence.

After a few moments of not seeing him pass in the rearview mirror, I decided I didn’t want to be late and got out to go in. I was startled to see him watching me as I crossed to the business. Instead of getting out to go to a destination, the man started his car and slowly drove past, looking me over, and then drove away.

I went in, noticing my feelings of confusion, anger and worry, and considered asking someone at the front desk to keep a look out. I also reviewed what I knew about his car and his appearance, wondering if I could identify him if he came back – worst-case scenario – and did something to my car.

I had plans to be there for over an hour, and for the first few minutes, I was preoccupied as I decided what I wanted to do and worked out what I thought happened and why he went away.

This could be a story about fear and the dangers of driving these days. It isn’t though – for me, at least. For me, it’s a story with two important components.

  1. I had a plan. In fact, I had several plans. As events unfolded, I sifted through my plans and shifted them as I took in more information. Instead of feeling panicked, I was weighing my options.                                                                
  2. I’m a rather petite woman. More likely than not, I was not the person he was hoping to get into a verbal argument with and then hit. Undoubtedly, he’d had a bad day, if not a hard time for a while, and was looking for someone to take it out on. I wasn’t that target. If I was a man, things might have been different.

I love the small fact encompassed in Point #1: We cannot control the world around us and avoid every situation, but we can plan for when things happen.

Point #2 is more complex and sad for me. Violence against men is largely unacknowledged and minimized or misinterpreted (for example, calling a situation a “fight” instead of an “assault”). It is unfair for men to be expected to not only be able to defend themselves, but also the women and children in their lives with absolutely no training at all. 

Men are targeted because of being men just as women are targeted because they are women (as are LGBTQ individuals, older people, etc.)

We all deserve to have the assurance of having a plan, instead of having to depend on circumstance and not being an assailant’s “ideal target” in order to stay safe.

What Do You Do to Prepare?

Traditional safety advice for women says women should:

•Never go out late / after dark.
•Always stay in groups.
•Not go to bad neighborhoods.
•Carry keys between their fingers.
•Carry mace / a gun / a whistle.
•Check under their cars / in their backseats before getting in.
•Not wear short skirts.

Women often prepare themselves by doing any / all of the above, or by worrying; as if worrying every day could protect us from the pain of an assault. We oftentimes apply this same or similar safety advice to our children.

I looked for a personal safety program that went beyond this list because I was outraged by the idea that I should have a curfew imposed on me that did not apply to men. I wanted to be able to do things independently; I didn’t want to always have to be with a friend. I was frustrated by advice that ignored the fact that some of us live in or work in bad neighborhoods. I was incredulous that this advice didn’t acknowledge that though many worry walking on the street alone, that the majority of the hurt we’ve experienced was by someone we knew, not someone lurking in the parking lot. And I resented the implication that I brought any abuse I endured upon myself.

In truth, following the above protocol did not keep me safe, but it did make my life smaller and made me more fearful.

It’s interesting to me that ultimately these are our choices. We can do these actions every day that result in increased fear and suspicion of others, particularly those that may fit a certain stereotype; or we can invest time in learning life skills.

When we learn skills, our lives open up with possibilities.

Twenty hours assured me that I didn’t need to worry about what I was wearing, that, in fact, clothing would neither deter nor attract the typical assailant. A couple weekends in the classroom meant that I opened up to men again, because I understood the difference between a nice guy and someone who was willing to cross my boundaries, regardless of how I felt. After the class, I trusted myself to react to signals I was receiving both from those in my life and strangers, instead of making excuses for them or denying what was clearly happening. After four days, I felt a change in my body, knowing that it was a safe place that I could now protect.

We all prepare for violence and hurtful events in life differently. Preparing should make us feel safer and our lives bigger, not more scared and more retracted. What do you do to prepare?

Protecting Our Communities After Tragedy

Imagine, for a moment, hearing about a tragic car accident. Imagine overhearing bits and pieces about a driver swerving out of control and hitting oncoming traffic at a speed of over 75 mph. You see clips of family members of those who died sobbing on the news. People talk about it for over a week.

How would you perceive that story? How long would it take for you to recover?

Now, imagine that same story but that you had never heard about seat belts, never learned the rules of the road, how to maintain safe distance, and how to look around your car and rearview mirror for irregularities. In fact, imagine you were told that you would be cared for in that sort of situation by people who said they could handle it, but still look fearful.

How would you perceive that story and how would you feel about getting into a car again? How long would it take you to recover?

Now, imagine you are seven years old.

Having tools makes all the difference. It doesn’t mean car accidents never happen, but it means that you have an understanding of how to deal with the risk and that the story plays in your head differently.

Just as you wouldn’t teach a new driver about car accidents and drunken drivers first thing, school shootings are not the place to start a discussion about child or school safety. Even trained officers and military struggle with how to deal with shooters — this is not the topic to begin with for teachers, families and children!

Just as car safety begins with learning about adjusting mirrors and looking both ways before pulling out of the driveway, personal safety for children has the same basic steps.

Teach them to trust their intuition. Teach them how to get help and what to say. Help them practice setting a boundary and saying no. Help them learn simple physical strategies to stop an assault.

By teaching them to deal with scenarios like bullying and unwanted touch, you prepare them for situations that are statistically far more likely and that they can do something about, and you empower them to deal with the terrifying stories that, unfortunately, they will continue to hear as they grow older.

I highly recommend the following articles from Kidpower for caregivers and others:

Helping Children Regain Their Emotional Safety After a Tragedy

How to Empower Kids in the Face of Armed School Violence

Tragic Shootings: Kidpower Answers to Common Questions About How To Be Safe

How Leaders Should Speak about Sexual Assault

Todd Akin’s recent comments give us an important opportunity to consider what a true leader for our communities should be saying about sexual assault.
Leadership means sometimes saying things that challenge the social norm. And let’s be clear- in a country where 1 in 3 women experience sexual assault, accepting rape as a tragic yet inevitable part of life for women is the norm.
True leaders would denounce rape unequivocally and state clearly that the blame always lies with the rapist and never the victim. True leaders would acknowledge that there are few consequences for rapists today. They would acknowledge that when 1 in 3 women experience sexual assault, as a society we are doing something to create rapists. They would understand this requires committing to deep cultural changes and invest time and energy into making this happen in our schools and in our media.
True leaders would also acknowledge the power and bravery that women and girls do possess – in their abilities to learn to speak out about what’s happened to them, advocate for themselves and others, and defend themselves in a culture that is otherwise not supporting them and keeping them safe.

Creating change with sexual assault requires a full systems approach. Preventing a sexual assault for one woman is not enough. Even sending one man to prison is not enough. If we truly want our sisters, our mothers, our daughters, our wives and our friends to be safe, we need to create change on a much larger level. Our nation’s dialogue about rape deserves more attention than a footnote in a conversation about contraception. It’s up to our leaders to initiate and support these changes.Let’s take this opportunity to re-focus on what we want to see in our leaders and our society, not just what we don’t want.

Saying Goodbye to “Stranger Danger”

We pride ourselves at IMPACT for basing our programs on solid research and responding to dangers in the community. Occasionally the research or the danger changes, which means our program changes.
A Washington Post article from 2010 summarized data from the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children showing how rare stranger abductions are in the United States. IMPACT’s children’s class has always emphasized boundary-setting with people you know more than safety with strangers. We do this because data shows the majority of assaults and abuse of children are perpetrated by people they know.
IMPACT is shifting its children’s classes to incorporate this research, and because we have found a few issues with strict rules with strangers. The first issue is that following these rules often becomes more important than listening to one’s intuition, which is an important skill for a child to cultivate. Children are also likely to break the “stranger rules” if they need help, which can be confusing (a policeman is also a stranger). Teaching them to avoid strangers may create xenophobia and decrease an impetus to intervene as bystanders that witness violence. We believe this later works against the safe communities we all try to create. Most skills we teach with strangers in our adult and teen classes are transferable skills (i.e. skills that might be easier to role-play while imagining a stranger, though they can also be useful later with someone we know). IMPACT teaches awareness, yelling and physical techniques that are still appropriate and useful responses in stranger scenarios.
I am proud to announce that our children’s classes will continue focusing on teaching transferable skills, teaching awareness and boundary-setting with people that the children know (both adults and bullies) as well as physical self-defense skills with a non-specific “bad guy.” We will also incorporate role-plays with strangers where the children have to rely on their intuition (with coaching and feedback from staff and other students) to judge how to best interact and when they need to find a trusted adult.
Please join me in congratulating our staff in making this bold move to take a further step away from “stranger danger” in order to better prepare our children for life without scaring them. And if you have little ones, we’d love to see them in our class at the end of the month!
© 2024 Resolve · PO Box 8350 · Santa Fe NM 87504