Tag: Relationships

Without the Myth of Random Violence

Violence is seldom random.  Like all behaviors, violent behavior follows patterns that can be observed.  Once understood, these patterns can be prepared for.  I highly recommend the book, The Gift of Fear, in which the author Gavin de Becker breaks down the behaviors that manipulative or dangerous people use.  He goes into depth about how intuition functions to keep us safe.  At IMPACT, we teach an Intuition Development class on this topic.

If everyone understood that violence follows a pattern, it would have a profound impact on communities:

1.     Individuals would only be appropriately alarmed when a set of behaviors happen, and would feel at peace when they don’t.

2.     People could grow closer, not feeling suspicious of one another because of stereotypes or profiling or past experiences.

3.     It would make a lot more sense to learn a systematic approach to preventing, defending against, and mitigating the impact of violence.

4.     Victims/survivors and others affected by the threat of violence in our society could learn practical skills to avoid, prevent, and diminish violence in their lives and feel safer.  By gaining knowledge and skills, survivors can change the idea that it was something intrinsic in them, or that they are victims.

5.    Good people regularly profiled as potentially dangerous (men, people of color, those wearing baggy pants or piercings, etc.) could walk down the street and get into elevators without having to worry and put effort into not scaring others.

6.     Perpetrators of violence would be seen as using a set of behaviors to hurt and scare (have power over) others, and the behaviors would be addressed more, rather than demonizing the person.

7.     We could address the roots of violence and prevent it on that level, instead of continually having to provide victim services and lock up perpetrators.

Violence will always be shocking and upsetting.  By focusing on patterns, we discover the tools necessary to change how violence affects our communities.

Cultivating the “How Dare You?”

After my IMPACT class, I went from being complacent about my boundaries being crossed to a feeling of “How dare you?!”  I felt incredulous that anyone would take from me something that is mine by right.  Whether it was my right to speak up and say what I wanted, my right to dictate who touched me and when or how, or my right to feel safe in my own body – I felt the imposition of that person’s (or society’s/media’s) will over my own as truly outrageous.

It was – and is – that sense of indignation or outrage that helps us change things.  Without that sense, we don’t know how much something needs to change and how ready we are to change it.

I certainly don’t want to live with outrage as a constant sensation or feeling, but that spark is so useful for making the changes, saying what I need, or removing myself from a situation.  It is what precipitates everything that makes it better and gives us a sense of peace again.

It’s rare that I feel it so strongly anymore myself, because I have adjusted the major areas in my life so that I am more comfortable and am treated the way I need to be most of the time.

So, it’s educational and refreshing when I’m coaching students in class and I feel the “How Dare You” on their behalf.  It reminds me that this is the place where change starts.  This is where we begin to get what we need.  Whether it is an outside force or our “inner assailant” crossing our boundaries, the only appropriate and natural response is to say, “How dare you?”  When we are able to hear that voice, change is possible.

Letting Go of Anger

Just as we don’t want to live in fear, looking over our shoulder constantly, most of us don’t want to live a life of anger.
For years, I hung onto my anger as if it could protect me. I felt angry at people who might hurt me or others.  It seemed natural that I could let that anger fuel the strikes I learned at IMPACT.  It seemed effective – and it was, for a while.
I recently realized that I don’t really feel angry anymore.  I continue to feel every right to defend myself.  I see that being angry at would-be-assailants was a good vehicle for learning to care about and value myself again.  But I realized that defending myself with my words or physical strikes can happen still without carrying around anger.
Whether fear or anger, emotions often happen reflexively as an attempt at self-protection.  People often believe that by reading about the rape in the news, or telling a friend about the horrible story they heard, that they can prevent violence in their own lives.  This may be true.
People also believe that by being outraged at events on the evening news or by that “rude, inconsiderate” person, that they can keep violence at bay.  This strategy may also work.  Yet while strategies like these may help us avoid bad situations or “bad people,” they may also keep us from good experiences.
When we keep fear with us, we often do not notice – and keep ourselves from the opportunities to notice – that we are powerful.  We may not realize or discover that we are capable of effectively handling difficult situations.  And when we keep anger with us, we too often miss out on the joy that can come from people getting close.  We miss out on the opportunity to notice the real healing we’ve done and the innate tenderness and compassion we have for other human beings or someone special.
We sometimes need to let go of these emotions in order to live the lives we were born to live – and deserve to live.  Fear and anger will, ultimately, only hold us back.

Self Defense is for Lovers

After my first IMPACT class that was so life-changing, I talked everyone’s ear off about it, including my sister’s. I talked about what was taught, revelations about how my relationships were changing, and how I was coming to see myself differently.  By the time I started working for IMPACT, my sister was very familiar with everything from the mundane details of fax machine grief to my glowing excitement as I learned to instruct.

Midway through that process she decided she wanted to take the class herself.  I think it had more to do with my reports of instructor training than details about office equipment…  But regardless, she signed up for the next class. We were chatting a couple weeks before the class started and she said, “You know, I think the class will make me nicer to people.”  I asked her to explain what she meant.  She talked about how she lives in an area where homeless people frequently ask for money on the street and she was intimidated by them. She did not treat them the way she wanted to because of her fear about her physical safety. Perhaps if she knew she could defend herself physically, then she could let herself be nicer to others and relate to them more compassionately.

I am still impressed with this observation. We do not learn self-defense skills to go around kneeing people in the groins or yelling “No!” all the time. And we don’t take it simply in anticipation of an attempted rape or murder.  So why do it? One reason is that knowing you can defend yourself and trust your own intuition can help you feel safe – allowing others to get closer to you.  It can be as simple as being willing to look a homeless man in the eye as you say hello and acknowledging that you can or can’t help him. Or it can relate to letting love into your life. Feeling safe and feeling empowered do more for us than prevent violence; feeling this way can help us become the people we want to be in relation to others.

-Alena Schaim is IMPACT’s Executive Director and an IMPACT Instructor

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