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On Saying “No”: #YesAllWomen

We’ve known for years that the fear of further violence influences one’s ability to say “no” when something is unwanted.

Oftentimes, girls, women and others* are socialized to shrug, smile and indirectly express displeasure, hoping that the other person will get the idea. And oftentimes they do – the fact is that 96% of men see a boundary or lack of interest – however it is expressed – and will back off.

Yet, it’s the 4% of men who do assault women1 that reinforce the socialization that we shouldn’t be too out there. Men like Elliott Rodger, who recently issued a misogynist rant and then went on a murder spree that targeted a sorority house on campus, reinforce the concept that women are at risk when they reject men, however nicely. Men like Chris Plaskon, who recently murdered a girl who declined his offer to go to prom, reinforce the idea that maybe it’s better to be evasive and indirect.

These incidents are considered novel in today’s time, made bigger by the widespread reach of the internet and news. However, how many rapes in the community are necessary before women rethink going out at night alone? How many episodes of domestic violence do we need to hear about before we start thinking that we ought to be careful about letting him down gently instead of being straightforward?

At a certain point, violence isn’t even necessary. The threat of violence creates a change in behavior – girls and women would rather say “yes” than be called a b*tch, they choose their clothing based on how it will be perceived, and they don’t even identify violations anymore. A recent study shows that young girls are unlikely to identify sexual harassment and sexual assault as violations because they accept it as “normal.”

In this context, I see a greater need than ever for redefining social norms like we do in our school classes where we educate boys and girls about issues of consent, bystander intervention and boundary-setting. I also see how deeply we need a spectrum of self-defense – to help us understand our boundaries, to redefine what is okay and not okay for us and to be able to communicate that and protect ourselves when those boundaries are not respected. Quite simply, all forms of violence prevention – individual and community, men and women – are necessary to create safer communities.

If you agree, please sign up for a class or get more involved.

* This article focuses on heterosexual situations and gender norms, because of these recent events. Other articles speak more about violence against men, LGBT people and gender-nonconforming individuals.

1. Lisak & Miller, 2002.

Not Quite Enough: White House Task Force to Protect Students from Sexual Assault

Recently, the White House Task Force to Protect Students from Sexual Assault announced a series of actions to: (1) identify the scope of the problem on college campuses, (2) help prevent campus sexual assault, (3) help schools respond effectively when a student is assaulted, and (4) improve, and make more transparent, the federal government’s enforcement efforts.

These are all fantastic steps, and a huge growth in efforts and attention after several courageous survivors exposed the gross neglect and response to sexual assault on college campuses.

So, what is missing? Women. All of the prevention efforts are focused on bystander education and men’s intervention.

This is great, and all of us in the violence prevention arena agree that it takes men and women working together to end the cycle of violence. The vast majority of men are good. Most people want to help, and just need to learn how. Changing social norms through education about consent and bystander education is something IMPACT does and collaborates with others in the community to do as well.

However, research has shown that traditional gender role norms contribute to a culture that permits sexual violence. And yet, this important effort to end sexual violence is promoting an approach that does just that. Instead of men as perpetrators, it attempts to replace that with men as protectors and interveners. In both scenarios, women are still cast as victims without agency, with men in control.

As our colleague Martha Thompson at Impact Chicago writes, “The message of the White House Task Force that women should focus their attention on awareness of risks and avoiding danger because only men can stop another man from rape and sexual assault is an obsolete message.”

Those of us who work with survivors know of the incredible strength they have. It takes strength to come forward and report. It takes strength to break patterns; to risk losing one’s social status or job; to jeopardize relationships with family and friends; it takes strength to tell complete strangers some of the worst moments of your life.

Women and others targeted for sexual violence have an incredible amount of strength. That strength can be used for preventing violence as well. Women are also able to act as active bystanders. And research repeatedly shows that resistance is effective in reducing the likelihood of an assault being completed, and that resistance does not “make a situation worse.”

We need to examine prevention efforts to be sure they don’t contain echoes of the same gender norms that create gender-based violence in the first place. I greatly appreciate the avoidance of victim-blaming in the White House report, but excluding women entirely is not the answer. Instead, we need to engage women and others targeted for violence in prevention efforts that do not buy into oppression.

It is crucial that we, as a society, develop a comprehensive solution to ending sexual assault – one that includes all genders and one that emphasizes community change as well as individual agency.

Reframing Child Abuse Prevention for Parents & Caregivers

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, and we want to push the dialogue about preventing sexual abuse of children a bit further.

Many of us remember prevention strategies that center around “good touch/bad touch,” or lessons about how no one should ever touch us in the area covered by a swimsuit without our permission.

This line of thinking, though well intentioned, should be filed away in the same place we put “Stranger Danger.”

We know that an overwhelming amount of child abuse happens by people children know, and oftentimes love, and that it isn’t sudden. There is a grooming process where emotional and physical boundaries are crossed, preparing the child for other boundary violations.

So why do we, as a community, persist in primarily focusing our efforts on the least likely scenarios of stranger assault and sudden or overwhelming force?

It’s easier. It’s easier in so many ways. It’s emotionally easier to consider the threat coming from the evil and malicious “other” than it is to consider that someone we care for may hurt our child. It’s also easier logistically! Teaching a child to avoid strangers and to not allow others to touch them in certain areas is certainly easier to teach than the complexities of trust and boundaries.

To be effective in preventing child abuse, we need a unified team of supporters in our children’s lives. We need to share the same messages with our children. Some good ones to start with are:

* Children are allowed to show affection at their own pace. Just because they LOVE their Aunt Julia doesn’t mean they are ready to hug or kiss her, or that they always want to do so. Help others in their lives understand that by letting your child choose how they show affection helps protect them against sexual abuse!

* We don’t keep secrets in our family. Helping children distinguish between a secret and a surprise can help them understand that they should always tell if something happens that worries them, regardless of what others may say.

* “No” means “no.” Demonstrating that you respect their body sovereignty at a young age can be powerful. Examples can range from a child squealing “No!” when being tickled and stopping to check and see if s/he really wants you to stop, to discussing when you need to help them with their hygiene, nutritional health, or crossing the street.

For more ideas on how to keep your children safe without scaring them (or you!), please join us at a free  Protecting Young Children seminar (this Sunday in ABQ!) or arrange to have us speak with your group or school!

Ignoring It Doesn’t Always Make It Better

Many of us received the same advice for harassment and bullying as we did for bees: ignore it, and it’ll go away.

While that strategy has worked for me countless times with bees, the truth is that it is only one of many strategies for dealing with problems and conflict. And oftentimes this coping mechanism really doesn’t work the way we want.

One of the key reasons ignoring it doesn’t always make harassment and conflict go away is that the problems are often systemic.

A child being harassed for wearing glasses or hand-me-down clothes is likely experiencing poor treatment because of how s/he looks or the economic status of his/her family. A teen girl who is harassed on the street is experiencing sexism, and depending on how she is perceived, could also be experiencing other biases. A boy harassed because of the way he walks or his lisp could be experiencing homophobia, transphobia and/or sexism.

Ignoring the problem ultimately doesn’t make the problem go away because the harassers, bullies and assailants are working with the same book. The minute one person stops making comments about your weight or skin color, the next one moves in – or they move on to someone else. Their biases don’t disappear just because a particular incident ends.

At IMPACT, we teach about racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, ableism, etc. in order to become more effective agents of change and prevent violence from growing in our communities.

We also explore various responses we might have to harassment. Some days I just want it to end, so I simply walk away or ignore it. Other days I feel up to telling the person to stop and that it’s not okay and leaving it at that. Other days I feel ready to take on the entire issue, educating the aggressor by addressing the behavior and the bias behind it.

As bystanders, we have choices of how and when to act as an ally to the targeted person — sometimes that’s intervening during the incident itself; other times it involves approaching the person targeted to express support or approaching the person who is using hurtful behavior to educate and hold that person accountable.

Depending on the context and environment and the day we’re having, sometimes as bystanders and as those targeted ourselves, we feel safe and are ready for different levels of struggle and different levels of self-advocacy and advocacy for others.

The idea is to have a range of tools for dealing with harassment and bullying so that we can be as proactive as possible. With this knowledge, we can work to make our communities feel safer and stronger together.

Ending Violence, Achieving Justice

Today, IMPACT is participating in One Billion Rising, a global movement to speak out against violence against women. Below are the statements Alena is making outside and inside the Capitol.

What a powerful day to be speaking with so many others across the world about violence against women!

The reality is that prevention efforts aimed at keeping women and others who experience violence safe is most frequently packaged in language that blames victims and perpetuates patriarchy and other systems of oppression. Told to not drink, not wear that skirt, not go out at night, to that neighborhood – as if our actions alone can prevent sexual assault.

Individual action might work if violence were the only issue. If violence against women were the only issue, maybe-

However, at IMPACT, we find it important to call out violence for what it is: a tool of oppression. When we recognize violence as a tool of oppression, that means that we MUST come together as a community. Individual avoidance or action is not enough.

It means that we must recognize violence against women is not the only issue that needs addressing. We must address racism, classism, xenophobia, ableism, homophobia, transphobia… all of the factors that we know put individuals in our community at greater risk for violence. It means we must acknowledge that patriarchy hurts not just women, but also our boys and men who are victimized at home or hurt because how they act or dress does not fit into stereotypes of traditional masculinity.

I’m proud to be a part of a community that has so many quality agencies working on these issues. When people need to reach out about sexual violence and/or domestic violence, Solace and Esperanza are there. Increasingly, medical teams throughout the city know how to respond to and compassionately invite disclosure about domestic violence. At IMPACT, we work to provide strategies to both prevent violence in our communities and help survivors heal and feel safer in their daily lives and relationships.

All of these are ways to develop individual and community safety and resilience. Meanwhile, if we are to really develop safer communities, we must consider issues from immigration reform to access to public bathrooms for transgender people and others. We need to investigate every issue that arises and consider: does it have implications for whether our communities are safer?

________________________________________

We need a solution to violence that does not sell us the prospect of safety packaged in language that blames victims and perpetuates systems of oppression.

We are told to stand up for ourselves, yet many of us already know the risk inherent in that “solution.”

Instead of being supported by the judicial system like George Zimmerman was when he felt needlessly threatened by a young black boy, women, people of color and LGBT people regularly go to prison for defending themselves when faced with violence. Whether it is Marissa Alexander, a young black mother who stopped her abusive ex-husband from possibly killing her; or CeCe McDonald, a young transgender woman who defended herself when attacked in a transphobic and racist hate crime, people across the nation go to prison for “standing up for themselves.”

As long as our prevention efforts and judicial systems use bias as the basis for advice and decisions, we will not end violence and we will not achieve justice.

How Our Misunderstanding of Sexual Assault Leads to a Misunderstanding of Self-Defense

We have seen countless movies and news reports that feature scary men behind bushes with knives; we’ve watched countless cartoons where the “bad guys” can always be spotted by their jagged teeth and bulging eyes. As a result, our society is deeply confused about who perpetrates assaults and how.

Combine this with subtle and persistent messages in advertisements and sitcom plots that undermine the idea of consent, and we have created strong misunderstandings about sexual assault and domestic violence. Even assault victims can have difficulty understanding and naming what happened to them.

“He didn’t hold me down” and “He didn’t use a weapon” describe the confusion felt by victims that oftentimes concludes with: “I’m not sure it was rape.”

“Well, he didn’t mean to say that/do that” is a confusion often expressed by domestic violence victims, who were led to believe that perpetration is typically intentional and that someone is either bad or good, not something more complex.

However, we know that the majority of assaults happen by people we know, and typically by people we initially, maybe even the majority of the time, have good feelings about.

Unfortunately, these misperceptions — caused by a combination of misrepresentation in the media and a fervent desire to be able to trust those in our lives 100% — oftentimes lead to vulnerability.

The trouble is that most seeking to prevent assault in their or their children’s lives look for programs based on the misperceptions described above. And many self-defense programs plan their curricula around these same misconceptions. Others, believing the risks as they’ve been portrayed, may declare that they have no need for personal safety training, because they live in a “safe community.”

Fundamentally, a safety program must address these misconceptions and teach defenses that address the real threats our communities face. This does not exclude physical skills, but it understands that the real importance in a class like this is navigating changing relationships, evaluating others’ actions and setting our own boundaries — and recognizing our right to do so.

Vulnerability & Safety – The Link

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” – Brené Brown

It takes extreme courage to show someone else our true selves and tell them about our deeply personal experiences. We fear judgment, rejection and laughter. We hold our breath when we share something for the first time, unsure of how s/he will respond.

It is easy to forget that this is also a vulnerable time for the other person. Each time we disclose something personal, it is not just a chance for him/her to evaluate us; it is an evaluation time for us of the other person too.

Did s/he listen intently? Did s/he laugh? Did s/he hold your hand and tell you that you were brave for sharing?

Depending on the response of the other person after we share something important, we have the opportunity to either:

A) choose to deepen the relationship
B) choose to distance ourselves from the other person
or
C) keep the relationship the same and continue to evaluate.

When we teach Exploring Healthy Boundaries in our children’s classes for schools and community groups, this is exactly what we are examining. How can we learn to trust others appropriately in a way that they have deserved and earned? How might we become more vulnerable to mistreatment and/or violence if we do not respond to the cues or reactions they have given us? How can we remain distanced and disconnected from others if we don’t forge connections based on others treating us well? How do we decide who is a resource to go to when things go wrong?

What does vulnerability have to do with safety? Everything.

There are times that sharing vulnerability can feel scary and delicious and raw. Other times, feeling vulnerable simply feels scary. By evaluating those experiences, we discover more about who we can trust to be close with us and whom we should keep further away. This may help us avert a dangerous experience — whether physical or emotional — and it may indicate whom we can go to when we feel hurt and/or need help.

Fighting Violence Where It Lives

(This article was written by Meg Stone, the director of IMPACT Boston, and originally appeared here.)

Usually, after a trend of violence committed by strangers, media outlets respond by offering women advice about how to stay safe. The tips are sometimes consistent with good research on which resistance strategies are most effective. Other times, though, safety advice consists of laundry lists of ways women should limit their lives (don’t wear headphones, don’t reach into your purse, keep your hands free at all times, etc.).

I am heartened when I see people addressing their feelings of fear by seeking out information and learning more about what they can do to protect themselves. At the same time, the safety advice most people are giving and getting is only relevant to a minority of assaults: those perpetrated by strangers.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, only about 13 percent of sexual assaults in the United States are committed by strangers. Perpetrators are much more likely to be dating partners, family members, and acquaintances.

So why do the news media, law enforcement officials and, yes, self-defense experts place almost all of their focus on helping women protect themselves from relatively uncommon acts of violence?

It’s because the steps we need to take to prevent rapes perpetrated by people we know are far more difficult. Looking for taxi medallions to ensure that drivers are properly licensed, or crossing the street when we suspect that someone is following us doesn’t disrupt our core beliefs about the people and places that are supposed to be safe.

We are conditioned to feel afraid in dark parking lots, but when we go on first dates, we want to flirt and connect. What if a new person we’re excited about dating ignores us when we say we’re not comfortable with physical affection in public? What if this person tells us we should lighten up and stop being such a prude? It’s painful to wonder whether those actions are warning signs that the person will disrespect other intimate boundaries.

When the concern about safety arises in our own families, the situation can be even harder. What if a beloved grandfather or uncle is touching a child or teenager in a sexually suggestive way? Keeping an act of abuse from escalating may require several family members getting involved. That means they have to be courageous enough to admit there’s a problem and trust and respect each other enough to address it together.

This can be painful. Sometimes too painful.

So instead, we focus most of our energy elsewhere. We become more vigilant about parking lots and taxi cabs. And as long as this heightened awareness doesn’t perpetuate racial stereotypes or cause us to limit our lives unnecessarily, it’s ultimately good. But I hope that this recent wake-up call doesn’t stop with strangers.

If reading the news has prompted us to have more conversations about sexual assault at our dinner tables and in our human resources departments, I hope we will also think about the thousands of acts of sexual violence that never make the news and what we can do about them.

– Meg Stone
Executive Director of IMPACT Boston

Preparing for Safety and Success in School

Families have a long to-do list when preparing for the new school year. We buy growing children new clothes or figure out hand-me-downs, gather pencils and notebooks… And when the first day comes, it can be filled with excitement or dread!

Every child loves learning. You only need to watch an infant learning to crawl or walk to see their pride at mastering a new skill.

So, why is it that getting kids to school can be so difficult at times? For many of us, it was the social arena that proved the most stressful part of school, not the big test coming up.

How many of us would have concentrated better in school or had better attendance if we had the skills to deal with problems that came up with friendships, classmates, and people we interacted with on the way to school?

When youth have a plan for dealing with a stressful social situation, it means they can choose a strategy to deal with the issue as it arises, and then put the thought away. But when a concern arises and they don’t have a strategy, this unsolved issue makes it very difficult to concentrate on what is in front of them.

When youth have the skills to speak up and take action against bias, social cruelty, bullying, harassment and exclusion, as well as answer the “what if it gets worse?” question in their minds, our communities are safer and more supportive for everyone. Individual students can spend more time learning & succeeding and less time worrying about their social interactions.

It can be frightening to address our fears about our children head on, but we do it. We do it so they are prepared for security and success. We do it with fire safety; we do it with car and bicycle safety. We can also do it with personal safety.

Feeling Safe in an Unsafe World

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” -Madeleine L’Engle

Choosing to prepare is a courageous act. It requires that you face that there are no guarantees in life; it requires that you concede that risk and vulnerability are natural parts of life.

This, I believe, is why our classes can seem frightening to some. It is not because of what we do in the classes — in reality, we structure the entire class around supporting students and helping them to feel safe as they address their fears. However, the act of admitting that there is, in fact, a reason why we should learn violence prevention and self-defense strategies, can be daunting.

In our classes, we don’t focus on the bad or scary aspects. We have seen enough assaults on TV, described on the news, and oftentimes, experienced in our own lives, to last a lifetime. So, at IMPACT, we have a chance to focus on what we can do.

When I teach, I tell students to focus on what I am doing, rather than on what the assailant character is doing, for this reason. It takes effort to shift one’s gaze from the actions of the attacker to that of the person defending herself. It is entirely possible that one could become consumed with threat and forget to move on to one’s own agency. Focusing on your agency doesn’t mean ignoring the threat, rather that we have chosen to focus on options we have to increase our safety in an inherently unsafe world.

I think that this — perhaps even more than the verbal strategies and physical techniques taught in class — may be the most beneficial part of the class: guidance about how to approach violence and risk in a healthy and honest way, and in a way that focuses on our own agency as individuals and as families.

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