Year: 2012

Boundary-Setting for Better Relationships & Community

A theme often discussed in parenting and social worker circles is that though we may be motivated to always be kind and helpful, at times our children/clients actually may be better helped by hearing a boundary set than by a kind word. For those new to either arena, this can be confusing because the whole reason they decided to have kids/help was to offer more compassion to the world!

Yet setting boundaries is part of creating community. Setting boundaries appropriately is not about punishment – it is about maintaining and improving relationships.

If I say something that strikes a friend a little off, I expect him/her to tell me so I know not to do it again. I would be absolutely mortified if I found out that I’d been doing something for 6 months that significantly bothered a friend. I think most of us would. Yet, we have very little way of knowing what we’re doing without getting some feedback.

In our classes, we teach students how to give effective feedback to others about how we want to be treated. It can range from, “I feel upset when you borrow my car without asking. I need you to ask first” to “I’m really enjoying spending time with you, but I’m not ready for that” to nonverbal cues like putting one’s hands up.

My friend may be simply learning about what works for me; however, it may also be something s/he learns about the world. When I set boundaries, I am not “schooling” my friend about how s/he should treat people – a lecture probably wouldn’t be very well received! However, if s/he hears a boundary from me and from a few other people in a way s/he can hear, s/he might change his/her approach.

The physical skills we teach can be taken in a similar vein. The perpetrator is always responsible for his actions and must be held accountable; change always has to originate with him. IMPACT has programs that also work on primary prevention and changing social norms. However, if an assailant does attack me, he will quickly learn that I am not okay with being treated that way.

For whatever reason, the assailant believes that it’s okay to treat people harmfully; by multiple people clearly communicating that it’s not okay — or by one person demonstrating it forcefully — perhaps that impression may unravel.

It’s up to all of us to set social norms. Ultimately, I cannot control another person’s thoughts or actions. But hopefully setting boundaries for myself, and by each of us setting our boundaries with each other, we can change the accepted status quo. This can be a part of making our community better for everyone.

Train for Hard Times So that Everyday Life Is Easy(er)

Most of us understand that running on the treadmill, racing across a court to hit a ball and lifting large amounts of weight has no real inherent value or direct translation into everyday life. It’s very unlikely I’ll need to run five miles, be able to respond to a flying object or lift 100 pounds in modern daily life.

Yet, practicing for these situations makes it so that everyday activities like climbing the stairs to my apartment, keeping up with a small child and lifting a suitcase all become considerably easier than they would be otherwise. We train hard so that everyday life is easy.

Similarly, in IMPACT classes, we practice de-escalating situations with irrational yelling men; we practice getting out of or defending ourselves in situations with rapists and murderers and practice setting boundaries with people in our daily lives. Hopefully we never have to use the more drastic skills in real life. If we do, at least we’ve learned strategies to be better prepared for these difficult situations. Yet setting boundaries with people we know is the most frequent scenario our students experience.

We practice beyond those situations (over-train) for the same reason we might choose to exercise. Climbing the stairs daily doesn’t make them that easy to climb. It’s the muscles I’ve built in the gym or on the field that make the stairs pale in comparison.
When we develop our capacity to deal with the terror and adrenaline we might feel with rape and murder, we learn we can get through the discomfort of giving a co-worker difficult feedback. We know we can deal with a partner’s pain when we say that something needs to change in order for it to work. We can navigate the fear of rejection we might feel when telling a date we aren’t ready for intimacy or when standing up to a bully or harsh family member.
Being able to knock someone out is simply of no use to us if we can’t or don’t communicate with those closest to us. We must learn to face the truly difficult situations in order to develop our skills to face deeply uncomfortable situations.
The paradox in this case, of course, is that by developing the skills to defend ourselves, we greatly reduce our chances of ever needing to do so physically. All of this becomes possible because we were willing to over-train ourselves once.

How Leaders Should Speak about Sexual Assault

Todd Akin’s recent comments give us an important opportunity to consider what a true leader for our communities should be saying about sexual assault.
Leadership means sometimes saying things that challenge the social norm. And let’s be clear- in a country where 1 in 3 women experience sexual assault, accepting rape as a tragic yet inevitable part of life for women is the norm.
True leaders would denounce rape unequivocally and state clearly that the blame always lies with the rapist and never the victim. True leaders would acknowledge that there are few consequences for rapists today. They would acknowledge that when 1 in 3 women experience sexual assault, as a society we are doing something to create rapists. They would understand this requires committing to deep cultural changes and invest time and energy into making this happen in our schools and in our media.
True leaders would also acknowledge the power and bravery that women and girls do possess – in their abilities to learn to speak out about what’s happened to them, advocate for themselves and others, and defend themselves in a culture that is otherwise not supporting them and keeping them safe.

Creating change with sexual assault requires a full systems approach. Preventing a sexual assault for one woman is not enough. Even sending one man to prison is not enough. If we truly want our sisters, our mothers, our daughters, our wives and our friends to be safe, we need to create change on a much larger level. Our nation’s dialogue about rape deserves more attention than a footnote in a conversation about contraception. It’s up to our leaders to initiate and support these changes.Let’s take this opportunity to re-focus on what we want to see in our leaders and our society, not just what we don’t want.

I’m Not a Violent Person

Whenever there has been a high profile serial rapist in the news, inevitably someone says, “Don’t you just wish he would pick you, so that you could kick his butt and teach him a lesson?”

I understand the motives behind the sentiment, but my answer is always a resounding “No.”

I don’t ever want to have to hurt another human being in that way. Don’t get me wrong — I will, if necessary. As a student at IMPACT, I worked hard to re-activate my fight-or-flight response after years of being socialized to freeze and do nothing. I realized I can be quite dangerous.

My resistance to violence in real life might seem confusing if you’ve seen me cheering women on when they deliver powerful knees to the groins of their would-be assailants. In truth, delivering a powerful strike feels pretty good once you get past how emotional it can be. Cheering others along can help students get through uncomfortable emotions and socialized responses that may be unproductive. And it feels good to be powerful and to own your own power. That is what I’m cheering for.

However, it would be irresponsible of me to not acknowledge the existence of the cycle of violence. The vast majority of assailants were victims themselves and now hurt others as a way of seeking to feel powerful. We must remember that it was violence that created the assailant’s actions. Beating these men up will not solve the issue of violence in our community.

In every class, even while talking about my work at dinner parties, I bear witness to the suffering that violence inflicts and the ripple effect that the trauma can create. I want no part in doing that to someone else.

Yet, I do believe there is a difference between “ordinary” violence and violence that is committed only as a last resort for self-defense. I believe with every ounce of my being that you and I both have every right to defend ourselves from an attacker just as an animal has every right to defend themselves against a predator. But do I want that to happen? Is that how I want to cast my vote for change in our community?

No.

Not at all. My heart aches at the thought of it. But I do think the world is a better place when people learn they’re worth defending and have skills to prevent violence, both physically and verbally. I am proud that IMPACT deals with different levels of violence prevention; I’m proud that we work with personal safety and community safety and cultural change. Clearly one single route to violence prevention is not enough.

How to Know You’re Ready

I discovered a while ago that if I waited until I felt like exercising that it wouldn’t happen as often as I would like. Similarly, if I waited until I felt like washing the dishes, they wouldn’t ever get done.

Regardless of whether someone is a survivor or not, confronting the risk of violence in our lives is not a pleasant topic. So, the impulse to avoid it is understandable, even if our staff do work to make classes enjoyable! For the same reasons we wash our dishes or exercise, taking care of our own safety can be another thing that we do to feel responsible or feel good.
When it comes to IMPACT, there are good reasons to wait until you feel “ready.” If you have experienced violence, you may consider certain criteria in order to decide you’re ready. Being safe in your home and in your relationship (if you’re in one) is a good start. You may also consider how recent the last incidence of violence was; your ability to stay present rather than disassociate; and any input from your therapist, if you’re seeing one.
Sometimes I work out or wash dishes because I love the process, but some days I need the end results to motivate me. This goes for self-defense classes too. What would knowing self-defense or having strong communication skills do for you? Let you go out at night, enjoy a solitary hike in the mountains, feel confident traveling alone, enhance your relationships, ask for that raise you deserve…what else? When do the benefits outweigh the temporary discomfort you are anticipating?

Sparring & Sports vs. Self-Defense

Many sports, at their root, undoubtedly were created to develop and practice physical skills that can also be used in real-life situations. The interesting piece is when we forget how to separate the game aspect of sports from the physical skills gained.

When I teach, I have the opportunity to work with a lot of young athletes, including martial artists, boxers and wrestlers. Their practice in sports often makes them better prepared to strategize and think about physical technique. What they’ve learned on the mat clearly comes out in IMPACT classes, from their enhanced body awareness to willingness to confront violence. It’s evident that they’ve already given a lot of thought to the topic of aggressors and power and domination.

So it’s interesting when I hear intermediate level women in martial arts say they could never defend themselves in real life and would just have to run from an assailant. I’m fascinated when I hear teen boys talk about drawing out an attacker and fooling them into striking first and howling that it’s a “cheap shot” when they see IMPACT students deliver groin strikes.

The physical skills we practice at IMPACT are remarkably similar to those learned in sports. However, at IMPACT, we always keep our eye on one thing: assailants are not looking for a good fight. They are looking for an easy target. And in that situation, there’s no such thing as fighting “fair.” It’s not about scoring a point. It’s about changing the assailant’s mind by yelling and showing you’re willing to defend yourself.

Why are strikes below the belt illegal moves in all sporting arenas? Because they END the fight! There’s no match after that. He’s not going to get up and rally to score another point. So, when fighting for sport, it makes sense that this is forbidden. However, in real life, if your life and safety or that of someone you love is at stake- go for the groin! It’s not about being fair; it’s not about complex strategy and drawing him out. Thankfully, it’s much simpler than that – at least physically.

This is what makes self-defense for the average person so easily attainable. It’s not complex. You don’t have to be in good shape. Find the courage to register for a class so that you know you could defend yourself without being overcome by socialization or fear. Practice the verbal skills that you’re more likely to need in real life. Then… bask in the knowledge that if necessary, you can defend yourself and your family and friends. 20 hours. It’s that simple.

The Effects of Fear & Violence: Mourning Trayvon

Trayvon Martin’s death, as well as the lack of charges brought against his killer, was horrific for many, but was not surprising.

Women often tell me of their rape aversion plans. They usually include: carrying their keys between their fingers, never going anywhere alone, watching their drinks, not wearing revealing clothes, not going out at night, etc. “Sometimes,” they wearily declare, “I just wish I were a man.” What we don’t usually talk about is the dangers men face, especially men of color.

Men typically are not told to restrict their behavior in these limiting and largely unproductive ways. They are not warned that they’re being reckless, or worse – provoking any violence they might encounter – if they don’t adhere to these rules.

Still, the concept of men as free from the effects of violence in our society is a deeply flawed one. When I teach about violence prevention in schools, teen boys often are resistant until they realize that I’m not just there to teach the girls. Then they express confusion and resentment as they describe learning to evade physical assault by aggressive men and boys, while simultaneously having to demonstrate they are not a threat to others.

A recent story with Donna Britt, mother and author of brothers (& me), on NPR discussed how she raised her boys. She and others are doing a great job of making public what they call “the talk” that African American parents give their boys when they make that transition from cute child to possible threat in the public eye.

This is an everyday reality for boys and men of color, and I’m glad that this is getting some media attention and acknowledgment. Yet, in a culture where we say there’s no way to predict violence, profiling is inevitable.

Soon the evening news will interview another neighbor who testifies the murderer next door “seemed so normal” and everyone will nod that there was no way anyone could have known. Then, everyone, including the police, will grasp at whatever they can– the latest mug shots, the characters from the last movie – to be able to predict the next act of violence. Because we don’t want to be caught off guard.

Safety is not worth this cost to our communities. There are ways of predicting violence – which means there are ways of preventing violence – that don’t include profiling random men of color and blaming victims. Why are we not exploring these?

In an entertainment culture, it is not popular to explore predictability. When there is a mystery, you can be sure that everyone will stay glued to his/her screens, anxious to keep track of the newest development. Meanwhile, this also ensures that sponsors’ advertisements will be watched while viewers eagerly await the next installment of the story.

Despite Gavin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear, being on the bestseller list when it first came out over a decade ago, reporters still choose to interview the clueless rather than interview his team that studies how intuition works and the precursors to violence. As a culture, we treat those who know ahead of time as mystical outliers, never pausing to study how it is that the average person could foresee such a thing.

Those who accurately predict violence use behavior as their indicators, not hoodies or race. Concepts like forced teaming (pretending there is an alliance between you that doesn’t exist), using charm and niceness, giving too many details, typecasting, loan sharking, giving an unsolicited promise and ignoring the word “no” are all accurate ways of predicting when someone is acting manipulatively and possibly dangerous. Of course, in order to give credence to these ways of predicting violence and danger, we would have to admit that most violence happens by people we know and/or includes an “interview” process, rather than being a random shooting or a man behind the bushes who says nothing before grabbing his victim.

To say that violence is predictable is not equal to blaming those of us who have experienced it in the past. It is empowering everyone to have more tools for the future so that we may live fuller lives and feel less fear. It is challenging our society to distinguish between paranoia, prejudice and real intuition.

Saying Goodbye to “Stranger Danger”

We pride ourselves at IMPACT for basing our programs on solid research and responding to dangers in the community. Occasionally the research or the danger changes, which means our program changes.
A Washington Post article from 2010 summarized data from the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children showing how rare stranger abductions are in the United States. IMPACT’s children’s class has always emphasized boundary-setting with people you know more than safety with strangers. We do this because data shows the majority of assaults and abuse of children are perpetrated by people they know.
IMPACT is shifting its children’s classes to incorporate this research, and because we have found a few issues with strict rules with strangers. The first issue is that following these rules often becomes more important than listening to one’s intuition, which is an important skill for a child to cultivate. Children are also likely to break the “stranger rules” if they need help, which can be confusing (a policeman is also a stranger). Teaching them to avoid strangers may create xenophobia and decrease an impetus to intervene as bystanders that witness violence. We believe this later works against the safe communities we all try to create. Most skills we teach with strangers in our adult and teen classes are transferable skills (i.e. skills that might be easier to role-play while imagining a stranger, though they can also be useful later with someone we know). IMPACT teaches awareness, yelling and physical techniques that are still appropriate and useful responses in stranger scenarios.
I am proud to announce that our children’s classes will continue focusing on teaching transferable skills, teaching awareness and boundary-setting with people that the children know (both adults and bullies) as well as physical self-defense skills with a non-specific “bad guy.” We will also incorporate role-plays with strangers where the children have to rely on their intuition (with coaching and feedback from staff and other students) to judge how to best interact and when they need to find a trusted adult.
Please join me in congratulating our staff in making this bold move to take a further step away from “stranger danger” in order to better prepare our children for life without scaring them. And if you have little ones, we’d love to see them in our class at the end of the month!

Why We Set Boundaries

People sometimes tell me that they hate conflict, and so setting boundaries is difficult for them. In reality, learning to set boundaries is perfect for the person who wants to avoid conflict because it prevents conflict from arising or becoming worse.

The true function of boundary-setting is to prevent problems from building up to the point that:

• You eventually explode and jeopardize the relationship;
• You avoid the person and/or have to end the relationship; or,
• It escalates into a more serious issue where physical or sexual assault may occur.

Boundary-setting does not mean asking for everything to go your way. It is not really a “boundary” for me to say, “I feel uncomfortable when you snort when you laugh. I need you to stop.” However, if a behavior is happening that may lead to one of the three points above, it’s my responsibility to bring it up.

Think about how shocking and awful it would feel for you to find out that you’d been doing something for months that significantly bothered someone you care about. Wouldn’t you want a chance to change it before your friend exploded or started avoiding you? Once it gets to that point, changing patterns is far more difficult. There may be serious hurts that have to be navigated and overcome.

Boundary-setting is personal safety.  Setting boundaries can create emotional safety in relationships as well as prevent assault.

It’s incredibly unlikely for the stranger on the street to assault us. Even when a stranger crosses our boundaries verbally, we don’t think nearly as much of it as when a family, friend or co-worker does the same. These are the skills that we need not only to stay safe, but also to create easier, joyful and fulfilling relationships.

Learning to Live Courageously

Life takes courage. It takes courage to talk with that person you have a crush on and takes even more courage to stick with it when things get tough. Raising children and suddenly being responsible for another life takes courage. It takes courage to go after the job or promotion that you want. It takes courage to stand up to a bully, whether at school or at work.

Students in our classes learn to develop their courage. It takes tremendous courage to face your worst fears on the mat. Whether you’re most afraid of rape or murder, setting a limit with a friend or a family member and then being rejected, or afraid of hurting another person emotionally or physically, we address it in our classes.
Yes, it’s scary. But the good news-?

Everything after that gets easier. The practice pays off. You learn how to steady your voice when you’re afraid, and you learn to hold your ground through your fear and anxiety.

The next time that surge of adrenaline and fear hits, it’s not so surprising. In fact, you start to expect it.  You know what it is and how to get through it instead of being overwhelmed and feeling controlled by it.  Maybe you even welcome it when it comes.

Practicing in a supportive environment can change that feeling of terror in the face of a challenge to noticing that that rush means you’re doing something worthwhile. That surge no longer paralyzes but actually provides you with the energy to do what’s necessary and take action.

Living fully requires action and living with conviction. Courage can be learned and practiced.

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