Tag: Women

Sparring & Sports vs. Self-Defense

Many sports, at their root, undoubtedly were created to develop and practice physical skills that can also be used in real-life situations. The interesting piece is when we forget how to separate the game aspect of sports from the physical skills gained.

When I teach, I have the opportunity to work with a lot of young athletes, including martial artists, boxers and wrestlers. Their practice in sports often makes them better prepared to strategize and think about physical technique. What they’ve learned on the mat clearly comes out in IMPACT classes, from their enhanced body awareness to willingness to confront violence. It’s evident that they’ve already given a lot of thought to the topic of aggressors and power and domination.

So it’s interesting when I hear intermediate level women in martial arts say they could never defend themselves in real life and would just have to run from an assailant. I’m fascinated when I hear teen boys talk about drawing out an attacker and fooling them into striking first and howling that it’s a “cheap shot” when they see IMPACT students deliver groin strikes.

The physical skills we practice at IMPACT are remarkably similar to those learned in sports. However, at IMPACT, we always keep our eye on one thing: assailants are not looking for a good fight. They are looking for an easy target. And in that situation, there’s no such thing as fighting “fair.” It’s not about scoring a point. It’s about changing the assailant’s mind by yelling and showing you’re willing to defend yourself.

Why are strikes below the belt illegal moves in all sporting arenas? Because they END the fight! There’s no match after that. He’s not going to get up and rally to score another point. So, when fighting for sport, it makes sense that this is forbidden. However, in real life, if your life and safety or that of someone you love is at stake- go for the groin! It’s not about being fair; it’s not about complex strategy and drawing him out. Thankfully, it’s much simpler than that – at least physically.

This is what makes self-defense for the average person so easily attainable. It’s not complex. You don’t have to be in good shape. Find the courage to register for a class so that you know you could defend yourself without being overcome by socialization or fear. Practice the verbal skills that you’re more likely to need in real life. Then… bask in the knowledge that if necessary, you can defend yourself and your family and friends. 20 hours. It’s that simple.

The Effects of Fear & Violence: Mourning Trayvon

Trayvon Martin’s death, as well as the lack of charges brought against his killer, was horrific for many, but was not surprising.

Women often tell me of their rape aversion plans. They usually include: carrying their keys between their fingers, never going anywhere alone, watching their drinks, not wearing revealing clothes, not going out at night, etc. “Sometimes,” they wearily declare, “I just wish I were a man.” What we don’t usually talk about is the dangers men face, especially men of color.

Men typically are not told to restrict their behavior in these limiting and largely unproductive ways. They are not warned that they’re being reckless, or worse – provoking any violence they might encounter – if they don’t adhere to these rules.

Still, the concept of men as free from the effects of violence in our society is a deeply flawed one. When I teach about violence prevention in schools, teen boys often are resistant until they realize that I’m not just there to teach the girls. Then they express confusion and resentment as they describe learning to evade physical assault by aggressive men and boys, while simultaneously having to demonstrate they are not a threat to others.

A recent story with Donna Britt, mother and author of brothers (& me), on NPR discussed how she raised her boys. She and others are doing a great job of making public what they call “the talk” that African American parents give their boys when they make that transition from cute child to possible threat in the public eye.

This is an everyday reality for boys and men of color, and I’m glad that this is getting some media attention and acknowledgment. Yet, in a culture where we say there’s no way to predict violence, profiling is inevitable.

Soon the evening news will interview another neighbor who testifies the murderer next door “seemed so normal” and everyone will nod that there was no way anyone could have known. Then, everyone, including the police, will grasp at whatever they can– the latest mug shots, the characters from the last movie – to be able to predict the next act of violence. Because we don’t want to be caught off guard.

Safety is not worth this cost to our communities. There are ways of predicting violence – which means there are ways of preventing violence – that don’t include profiling random men of color and blaming victims. Why are we not exploring these?

In an entertainment culture, it is not popular to explore predictability. When there is a mystery, you can be sure that everyone will stay glued to his/her screens, anxious to keep track of the newest development. Meanwhile, this also ensures that sponsors’ advertisements will be watched while viewers eagerly await the next installment of the story.

Despite Gavin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear, being on the bestseller list when it first came out over a decade ago, reporters still choose to interview the clueless rather than interview his team that studies how intuition works and the precursors to violence. As a culture, we treat those who know ahead of time as mystical outliers, never pausing to study how it is that the average person could foresee such a thing.

Those who accurately predict violence use behavior as their indicators, not hoodies or race. Concepts like forced teaming (pretending there is an alliance between you that doesn’t exist), using charm and niceness, giving too many details, typecasting, loan sharking, giving an unsolicited promise and ignoring the word “no” are all accurate ways of predicting when someone is acting manipulatively and possibly dangerous. Of course, in order to give credence to these ways of predicting violence and danger, we would have to admit that most violence happens by people we know and/or includes an “interview” process, rather than being a random shooting or a man behind the bushes who says nothing before grabbing his victim.

To say that violence is predictable is not equal to blaming those of us who have experienced it in the past. It is empowering everyone to have more tools for the future so that we may live fuller lives and feel less fear. It is challenging our society to distinguish between paranoia, prejudice and real intuition.

Revealing Vulnerabilities

“It was so great to have men in this class – here I am, a 68-year-old woman, thinking I’m the one who’s got stuff to be worried about, but they are struggling with this stuff too.”

– 4-Hour Workshop Participant

Just as the student above describes, I love teaching mixed-gender and mixed-age classes because through seeing the different situations role-played in class, students learn just that:  we all have our challenges.

 

From a young age, many girls are still taught that they are more fragile or less able to do things than their male counterparts.  They eventually learn that they must watch their drinks, cannot go on walks alone, or that the road trip that their brother goes on is forbidden for them when they reach the same age.

 

For women growing up in this context, discovering that men are not impervious to threat and not invulnerable can be a revelation.  This discovery can have profound implications for our beliefs about our own vulnerability and ability to defend ourselves.

 

It’s the reason I believe our mixed gender classes are becoming more popular for men and for women.  Women, while learning to protect themselves, learn about the situations that men face.  Men, while learning to protect themselves, learn more about the depth to which violence affects most women’s lives.

 

If you’re a woman, consider taking a moment to talk with your friends, father/brothers, or boyfriend/husband.  Ask them if anyone has become fearful of them or aggressive with them – without any intentional provocation on their part – simply because they were men and viewed as potentially violent.  See if you can get them to honestly tell you about situations they’ve faced and the fear they felt.

 

If you’re a man, consider sharing these little-revealed vulnerabilities for the benefit of the women in your life.  Also, consider sharing with other men and younger generations that though you may deal with a situation quite capably that you still do feel fear and adrenaline, that you still experience that vulnerability.  Lifting the veil and acknowledging this helps everyone by normalizing the experience and letting others know that though it never goes away, there are ways to prepare.

“Forward These Safety Tips!”

“Forward this email to every woman you know!…”

As a woman and as someone who teaches violence prevention and self-defense, I get a lot of emails about staying safe.  The sentiment of wanting to keep people you love safe is a great one.  However, too often these emails spread disinformation and fear, rather than anything that would realistically help keep someone safe.  So here is a little guide to help people evaluate the emails before they take them to heart and send them on.

• Have you checked Snopes.com? If you are not familiar with it, Snopes is a great website that researches stories that circulate and dispels them if they find them to be urban legends.  Almost all of the emails I’ve gotten (assailants now using older women as lures outside of WalMart, gangs choose their next victims by the good Samaritans that flash their lights at them, etc.) are proven on Snopes to be untruths being spread rampantly on the internet.

• How likely is this to be common? Consider any statistics that you know ab out violence or go read some, and then consider, for instance: if statistically, most women are assaulted by someone that they know, how likely is it that there is someone hiding, plotting to get in my car unbeknownst to me while I fill up my tank at the gas station?

• What, exactly, is it telling you to prepare for? Does it conflate assault with robbery? A robber is someone who wants things, while an assailant is someone who wants to hurt someone else.  Remember that a suggestion like not carrying a purse, not keeping your wallet in your back pocket, never wearing noticeable jewelry, etc. is about robbery, not assault.  Being specific about what you are preparing for can make you feel less scared and more prepared.

• Does it tell you to “never” do something? I’ve read emails that tell women (typically) to never wear overalls or have long hair or to balance their checkbooks in their cars.  They promise dire consequences to those who ignore these warnings, because *that* is what assailants look for.  Well, no.  Assailants, statistically, look for people who are unaware, people they consider easy to overpower and dominate, or easy to provoke.  Hairstyle has nothing to do with it.  Of course lists are tempting, but lists can encourage you to concentrate on things that may obscure the truer power of what your intuition and own understanding would otherwise guide you to do.  Real life doesn’t happen in absolutes.

• Does it ask you to limit your behavior in a way that seems difficult or unrealistic? Many of these emails and, unfortunately, many safety programs promote changing one’s habits in a way that limits living life.  Certainly I’m not going to walk down a dark alley for the heck of it, but a certain degree of risk (balancing your checkbook for a moment in your car after shopping, going out after 7pm, or hiking alone) is not foolish, foolhardy, or irresponsible – it is, in fact, healthy.

• How does it make you feel? This, perhaps, is the most important point to me.  Does it actually share things that make you feel safe, feel more powerful in your own skin, feel more able to deal with situations that come up in life?  Or does it tell you that there is danger lurking around every corner in your everyday life that you must try to avoid?  Good safety information should make you feel safer, not more afraid.

More than a Few Good Men

Most men are good men. And the good men I know will tell you how sexual violence has affected their lives. Yes, some of them are survivors themselves. Yet, even the majority who are not survivors say that it affects them. They have friends who have confided their suffering at the hands of those who said they loved them. They become lovers of others who have experienced sexual assault and often bear witness to and help their partners work to put aside old scars. They have children to care for and worry about protecting from sexual violence.

Perhaps most notably, many men tell me about crossing the street to avoid scaring a woman who is walking alone. Others tell me about acting carefully when working late hours with a woman so as to not say anything that might intimidate her. Some men go out of their way to seem friendly and engaging to women while other men choose to almost ignore them. They use whatever strategy they think will minimize the threat she may feel: the threat that simply being a man carries in our society.

Women can tell you a list a mile long about what they do to prevent being a victim of sexual assault. It can range from carrying mace to how they dress to where they go at what hour and with whom. Yet as a woman, I don’t have to worry about scaring another human being the way men do.

I used to concentrate so much on men as potential perpetrators that I really didn’t acknowledge what many of them did to make me feel safe. Now that I carry that sense of safety inside me, I am able to truly appreciate how caring and connected the vast majority of men are.

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