Tag: self-care

Boundaries During a Pandemic

Here at Resolve, we spend a lot of time talking about boundaries – how to set them, how to respect them, and why they’re important. We know boundaries are the key to feeling safe and happy in all realms of life. Unfortunately, many of us are socialized to believe that setting boundaries is rude; that saying no or expressing discomfort is impolite.

We know the opposite is true: Boundaries are an expression of love and care. And right now, during an unprecedented health crisis, boundaries are more important than ever.

We can think about this moment as a worldwide lesson in the importance of boundaries. Right now, the best way to demonstrate how much we care about others is through physical boundaries: social distancing and keeping space between you and others when you leave your home. We can support our loved ones by respecting their boundaries. If a family member doesn’t feel comfortable seeing you in person; if your roommate wants you to wash your hands after you get back from the grocery store; if your friend you run into at the dog park doesn’t want to hug you. We need to honor these requests. We shouldn’t push back. We shouldn’t minimize their concerns.

There are plenty of other boundaries that people might be asserting right now. Friends and partners might want to have a conversation about something other than COVID-19. Your coworker might not be available during certain hours of the workday because they’re with their kids. Partners or housemates might need time alone. Again: We can show these people we care by listening to them, and not making them feel guilty for communicating their needs.

If you’re setting any of these boundaries or any others, know that you are doing the right thing! It can feel hard to communicate what you need, and of course with so many of us feeling stressed and concerned right now, it’s important to make sure we’re communicating clearly and compassionately. When we do, we are giving others the opportunity to care about us and help us through this difficult time. And as with all boundaries, you may need to say it more than once. It might be more of a conversation than one “I feel” statement. But it’s worth the effort.

Maybe you’re worried that you’re overreacting. Maybe someone has already made you feel guilty or feel like you’re being irrational. But we should not feel guilty for prioritizing our health and well-being – or that of those around us. And that’s especially true during times of crisis. It’s all too easy to talk ourselves out of setting a boundary because we’re worried we’re overreacting, or we don’t think our feelings are valid. Many of us have internalized the idea that we need to put ourselves last, after our jobs and our families. We owe it to ourselves, and to our community, to identify what we need and what makes us feel safe, and then communicate that, unapologetically.

Our boundaries can, quite literally, keep people and communities healthy – but then again, they always do.

How Our Misunderstanding of Sexual Assault Leads to a Misunderstanding of Self-Defense

We have seen countless movies and news reports that feature scary men behind bushes with knives; we’ve watched countless cartoons where the “bad guys” can always be spotted by their jagged teeth and bulging eyes. As a result, our society is deeply confused about who perpetrates assaults and how.

Combine this with subtle and persistent messages in advertisements and sitcom plots that undermine the idea of consent, and we have created strong misunderstandings about sexual assault and domestic violence. Even assault victims can have difficulty understanding and naming what happened to them.

“He didn’t hold me down” and “He didn’t use a weapon” describe the confusion felt by victims that oftentimes concludes with: “I’m not sure it was rape.”

“Well, he didn’t mean to say that/do that” is a confusion often expressed by domestic violence victims, who were led to believe that perpetration is typically intentional and that someone is either bad or good, not something more complex.

However, we know that the majority of assaults happen by people we know, and typically by people we initially, maybe even the majority of the time, have good feelings about.

Unfortunately, these misperceptions — caused by a combination of misrepresentation in the media and a fervent desire to be able to trust those in our lives 100% — oftentimes lead to vulnerability.

The trouble is that most seeking to prevent assault in their or their children’s lives look for programs based on the misperceptions described above. And many self-defense programs plan their curricula around these same misconceptions. Others, believing the risks as they’ve been portrayed, may declare that they have no need for personal safety training, because they live in a “safe community.”

Fundamentally, a safety program must address these misconceptions and teach defenses that address the real threats our communities face. This does not exclude physical skills, but it understands that the real importance in a class like this is navigating changing relationships, evaluating others’ actions and setting our own boundaries — and recognizing our right to do so.

Vulnerability & Safety – The Link

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” – Brené Brown

It takes extreme courage to show someone else our true selves and tell them about our deeply personal experiences. We fear judgment, rejection and laughter. We hold our breath when we share something for the first time, unsure of how s/he will respond.

It is easy to forget that this is also a vulnerable time for the other person. Each time we disclose something personal, it is not just a chance for him/her to evaluate us; it is an evaluation time for us of the other person too.

Did s/he listen intently? Did s/he laugh? Did s/he hold your hand and tell you that you were brave for sharing?

Depending on the response of the other person after we share something important, we have the opportunity to either:

A) choose to deepen the relationship
B) choose to distance ourselves from the other person
or
C) keep the relationship the same and continue to evaluate.

When we teach Exploring Healthy Boundaries in our children’s classes for schools and community groups, this is exactly what we are examining. How can we learn to trust others appropriately in a way that they have deserved and earned? How might we become more vulnerable to mistreatment and/or violence if we do not respond to the cues or reactions they have given us? How can we remain distanced and disconnected from others if we don’t forge connections based on others treating us well? How do we decide who is a resource to go to when things go wrong?

What does vulnerability have to do with safety? Everything.

There are times that sharing vulnerability can feel scary and delicious and raw. Other times, feeling vulnerable simply feels scary. By evaluating those experiences, we discover more about who we can trust to be close with us and whom we should keep further away. This may help us avert a dangerous experience — whether physical or emotional — and it may indicate whom we can go to when we feel hurt and/or need help.

Feeling Safe in an Unsafe World

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” -Madeleine L’Engle

Choosing to prepare is a courageous act. It requires that you face that there are no guarantees in life; it requires that you concede that risk and vulnerability are natural parts of life.

This, I believe, is why our classes can seem frightening to some. It is not because of what we do in the classes — in reality, we structure the entire class around supporting students and helping them to feel safe as they address their fears. However, the act of admitting that there is, in fact, a reason why we should learn violence prevention and self-defense strategies, can be daunting.

In our classes, we don’t focus on the bad or scary aspects. We have seen enough assaults on TV, described on the news, and oftentimes, experienced in our own lives, to last a lifetime. So, at IMPACT, we have a chance to focus on what we can do.

When I teach, I tell students to focus on what I am doing, rather than on what the assailant character is doing, for this reason. It takes effort to shift one’s gaze from the actions of the attacker to that of the person defending herself. It is entirely possible that one could become consumed with threat and forget to move on to one’s own agency. Focusing on your agency doesn’t mean ignoring the threat, rather that we have chosen to focus on options we have to increase our safety in an inherently unsafe world.

I think that this — perhaps even more than the verbal strategies and physical techniques taught in class — may be the most beneficial part of the class: guidance about how to approach violence and risk in a healthy and honest way, and in a way that focuses on our own agency as individuals and as families.

What Do You Do to Prepare?

Traditional safety advice for women says women should:

•Never go out late / after dark.
•Always stay in groups.
•Not go to bad neighborhoods.
•Carry keys between their fingers.
•Carry mace / a gun / a whistle.
•Check under their cars / in their backseats before getting in.
•Not wear short skirts.

Women often prepare themselves by doing any / all of the above, or by worrying; as if worrying every day could protect us from the pain of an assault. We oftentimes apply this same or similar safety advice to our children.

I looked for a personal safety program that went beyond this list because I was outraged by the idea that I should have a curfew imposed on me that did not apply to men. I wanted to be able to do things independently; I didn’t want to always have to be with a friend. I was frustrated by advice that ignored the fact that some of us live in or work in bad neighborhoods. I was incredulous that this advice didn’t acknowledge that though many worry walking on the street alone, that the majority of the hurt we’ve experienced was by someone we knew, not someone lurking in the parking lot. And I resented the implication that I brought any abuse I endured upon myself.

In truth, following the above protocol did not keep me safe, but it did make my life smaller and made me more fearful.

It’s interesting to me that ultimately these are our choices. We can do these actions every day that result in increased fear and suspicion of others, particularly those that may fit a certain stereotype; or we can invest time in learning life skills.

When we learn skills, our lives open up with possibilities.

Twenty hours assured me that I didn’t need to worry about what I was wearing, that, in fact, clothing would neither deter nor attract the typical assailant. A couple weekends in the classroom meant that I opened up to men again, because I understood the difference between a nice guy and someone who was willing to cross my boundaries, regardless of how I felt. After the class, I trusted myself to react to signals I was receiving both from those in my life and strangers, instead of making excuses for them or denying what was clearly happening. After four days, I felt a change in my body, knowing that it was a safe place that I could now protect.

We all prepare for violence and hurtful events in life differently. Preparing should make us feel safer and our lives bigger, not more scared and more retracted. What do you do to prepare?

Boundary-Setting for Better Relationships & Community

A theme often discussed in parenting and social worker circles is that though we may be motivated to always be kind and helpful, at times our children/clients actually may be better helped by hearing a boundary set than by a kind word. For those new to either arena, this can be confusing because the whole reason they decided to have kids/help was to offer more compassion to the world!

Yet setting boundaries is part of creating community. Setting boundaries appropriately is not about punishment – it is about maintaining and improving relationships.

If I say something that strikes a friend a little off, I expect him/her to tell me so I know not to do it again. I would be absolutely mortified if I found out that I’d been doing something for 6 months that significantly bothered a friend. I think most of us would. Yet, we have very little way of knowing what we’re doing without getting some feedback.

In our classes, we teach students how to give effective feedback to others about how we want to be treated. It can range from, “I feel upset when you borrow my car without asking. I need you to ask first” to “I’m really enjoying spending time with you, but I’m not ready for that” to nonverbal cues like putting one’s hands up.

My friend may be simply learning about what works for me; however, it may also be something s/he learns about the world. When I set boundaries, I am not “schooling” my friend about how s/he should treat people – a lecture probably wouldn’t be very well received! However, if s/he hears a boundary from me and from a few other people in a way s/he can hear, s/he might change his/her approach.

The physical skills we teach can be taken in a similar vein. The perpetrator is always responsible for his actions and must be held accountable; change always has to originate with him. IMPACT has programs that also work on primary prevention and changing social norms. However, if an assailant does attack me, he will quickly learn that I am not okay with being treated that way.

For whatever reason, the assailant believes that it’s okay to treat people harmfully; by multiple people clearly communicating that it’s not okay — or by one person demonstrating it forcefully — perhaps that impression may unravel.

It’s up to all of us to set social norms. Ultimately, I cannot control another person’s thoughts or actions. But hopefully setting boundaries for myself, and by each of us setting our boundaries with each other, we can change the accepted status quo. This can be a part of making our community better for everyone.

Train for Hard Times So that Everyday Life Is Easy(er)

Most of us understand that running on the treadmill, racing across a court to hit a ball and lifting large amounts of weight has no real inherent value or direct translation into everyday life. It’s very unlikely I’ll need to run five miles, be able to respond to a flying object or lift 100 pounds in modern daily life.

Yet, practicing for these situations makes it so that everyday activities like climbing the stairs to my apartment, keeping up with a small child and lifting a suitcase all become considerably easier than they would be otherwise. We train hard so that everyday life is easy.

Similarly, in IMPACT classes, we practice de-escalating situations with irrational yelling men; we practice getting out of or defending ourselves in situations with rapists and murderers and practice setting boundaries with people in our daily lives. Hopefully we never have to use the more drastic skills in real life. If we do, at least we’ve learned strategies to be better prepared for these difficult situations. Yet setting boundaries with people we know is the most frequent scenario our students experience.

We practice beyond those situations (over-train) for the same reason we might choose to exercise. Climbing the stairs daily doesn’t make them that easy to climb. It’s the muscles I’ve built in the gym or on the field that make the stairs pale in comparison.
When we develop our capacity to deal with the terror and adrenaline we might feel with rape and murder, we learn we can get through the discomfort of giving a co-worker difficult feedback. We know we can deal with a partner’s pain when we say that something needs to change in order for it to work. We can navigate the fear of rejection we might feel when telling a date we aren’t ready for intimacy or when standing up to a bully or harsh family member.
Being able to knock someone out is simply of no use to us if we can’t or don’t communicate with those closest to us. We must learn to face the truly difficult situations in order to develop our skills to face deeply uncomfortable situations.
The paradox in this case, of course, is that by developing the skills to defend ourselves, we greatly reduce our chances of ever needing to do so physically. All of this becomes possible because we were willing to over-train ourselves once.

How to Know You’re Ready

I discovered a while ago that if I waited until I felt like exercising that it wouldn’t happen as often as I would like. Similarly, if I waited until I felt like washing the dishes, they wouldn’t ever get done.

Regardless of whether someone is a survivor or not, confronting the risk of violence in our lives is not a pleasant topic. So, the impulse to avoid it is understandable, even if our staff do work to make classes enjoyable! For the same reasons we wash our dishes or exercise, taking care of our own safety can be another thing that we do to feel responsible or feel good.
When it comes to IMPACT, there are good reasons to wait until you feel “ready.” If you have experienced violence, you may consider certain criteria in order to decide you’re ready. Being safe in your home and in your relationship (if you’re in one) is a good start. You may also consider how recent the last incidence of violence was; your ability to stay present rather than disassociate; and any input from your therapist, if you’re seeing one.
Sometimes I work out or wash dishes because I love the process, but some days I need the end results to motivate me. This goes for self-defense classes too. What would knowing self-defense or having strong communication skills do for you? Let you go out at night, enjoy a solitary hike in the mountains, feel confident traveling alone, enhance your relationships, ask for that raise you deserve…what else? When do the benefits outweigh the temporary discomfort you are anticipating?

Why We Set Boundaries

People sometimes tell me that they hate conflict, and so setting boundaries is difficult for them. In reality, learning to set boundaries is perfect for the person who wants to avoid conflict because it prevents conflict from arising or becoming worse.

The true function of boundary-setting is to prevent problems from building up to the point that:

• You eventually explode and jeopardize the relationship;
• You avoid the person and/or have to end the relationship; or,
• It escalates into a more serious issue where physical or sexual assault may occur.

Boundary-setting does not mean asking for everything to go your way. It is not really a “boundary” for me to say, “I feel uncomfortable when you snort when you laugh. I need you to stop.” However, if a behavior is happening that may lead to one of the three points above, it’s my responsibility to bring it up.

Think about how shocking and awful it would feel for you to find out that you’d been doing something for months that significantly bothered someone you care about. Wouldn’t you want a chance to change it before your friend exploded or started avoiding you? Once it gets to that point, changing patterns is far more difficult. There may be serious hurts that have to be navigated and overcome.

Boundary-setting is personal safety.  Setting boundaries can create emotional safety in relationships as well as prevent assault.

It’s incredibly unlikely for the stranger on the street to assault us. Even when a stranger crosses our boundaries verbally, we don’t think nearly as much of it as when a family, friend or co-worker does the same. These are the skills that we need not only to stay safe, but also to create easier, joyful and fulfilling relationships.

Getting My Body Back

I was not very athletic or coordinated when I was younger. I absorbed what many of my peers learned: girls’ bodies are there to look at. I was more aware of my body as something in the mirror than I was of it being something for my own use and enjoyment. Then, after experiencing trauma, I didn’t feel safe in my body.  This made being truly present a challenge – no wonder coordination was difficult for me. I also was vulnerable, like many girls and boys, to feel that if I couldn’t win in competitive environments, it would just be better to not try at all.
When I took my first Women’s Basics class, I was still weighed down by these feelings. And yet, I succeeded in learning to defend myself. There was no competition between students, and all women were supported in learning the physical skills, regardless of size, shape or physical ability. I learned the skills, and more importantly—I learned that I could count on my body. I discovered its power and its capacity to learn through challenges.

This trust that I built with my body went far. Within a year of taking the class, I traveled abroad and became enamored with salsa dancing, easily losing uncomfortable weight that I had carried since an abusive relationship years before. Hiking mountains and doing sports weren’t things I used to imagine myself doing—but now they bring me incredible satisfaction and joy.

By getting reconnected to my body through IMPACT, I discovered more of myself. Re-establishing this mind-body connection empowered me to joyfully inhabit my body once again. Certainly we can all make vows to change habits in the New Year, but oftentimes there are underlying issues we need to address in order to help us truly succeed.

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