Parents and caregivers have often been led to focus on the more tangible aspects of raising children – teaching them how to get dressed, helping them with homework, and providing them with a well-balanced diet. But what the current health crisis lays bare is that one of our primary responsibilities, as adults with young people, is to help them navigate times of stress and potential trauma.
So while the tempo of our country encourages us to work & homeschool & keep on keeping on, even as we watch the numbers of affected rise and our concerns rise in tandem, what may be most helpful is to stop. Stop and ask ourselves: What do we need, and how can we best provide it? What have our past responses been to trauma, and how is that influencing us now? How can we model for our children how to process this and get through difficult times?
For many of us, stopping to tune in during times of stress can be scary. We may be consumed by the realization of how overwhelming or frightening a situation truly is. And still, it is difficult to come up with a plan that truly addresses what is in front of us if we are intent on ignoring it. Acknowledging what is going on and how it is affecting us allows us the space to find out what can get us through it.
Whether you’re thinking about these things on your own, or having conversations with partners, family members, and other caregivers, here are some things to think about:
• How do our past patterns around trauma influence this moment? People might assume that trauma history has a negative effect – which is not necessarily the case! Trauma histories can sometimes give us perspective that comes from surviving other difficult times and knowing it is possible to make it through again. Trauma can also teach us skills like compartmentalization that allow us to simultaneously be aware of how challenging a situation is while still finding ways to function. There are a lot of strengths we can gain through negative experiences. Of course, there are learned behaviors and coping mechanisms associated with trauma that may not serve us or those around us as well. Do we tend toward denial of the situation or of our feelings? Do we struggle with loss of control when an issue feels immense? Do we find ourselves more irritable with those around us because it feels like an easier conflict to take on? It’s important to remember that the behaviors we learned in the past to survive and cope don’t always serve us – so we need to check in with ourselves.
• What is within our realm of control right now? We do not have a responsibility (or ability) to affect this entire pandemic, but how can we feel good that we are doing our part? And how can we feel confident that we are doing the best for the health of our family, not just physically but also emotionally? An explicit focus on our mental health and our family’s mental health leads us to different choices than when we are focusing on work and school. Work and school are important, but as this escalates, our families and communities will NEED our mental health and well being. It is not only okay, but necessary to prioritize that right now.
• What is our plan for our mental health and our family’s well being? Many of us are making plans right now about how to work from home while our children play or do schoolwork, or how to find childcare as we continue to work to provide essential services, or what we’ll do to get through this time financially. We can also make plans and communicate them about how to get through this time emotionally. And we can talk about it- it doesn’t have to be a secret! Even saying to children, “Staying inside and not seeing my friends is hard for me. I think I need a plan to get through this,” and then sharing your plan with them can be revelatory! If they are old enough to understand and discuss their fears, we can also tell them something like, “This is a scary time, and I know other people are taking care of us and our community- we need a plan of how we take of ourselves and each other. This is what I’m thinking I’ll do for myself…” This normalizes acknowledging emotional needs and helps them come up with a plan, too.
• When we make plans for self-care, sometimes we underestimate community care. I think one of the most challenging things for this time is that the ways we often care for one another are off limits. Hugging, making food, and sharing space with each other all feel suspect. When physical distance is what will keep us safe, we need to be sure to not allow our emotional distance to grow. As human beings, we not only want to be cared for, but we want to care for others. So in addition to healthy meals, exercise, a solo walk with the dog, prayer/meditation, etc, what do we build that is about caring for others? Is it getting groceries for a neighbor? Checking on a friend who lives solo? Calling grandma to see how she’s doing or just holding the phone while she watches the little one play?
• What is our plan for conflict? Hopefully some of the above helps us communicate with others – but this is a stressful time, and we know conflict is a normal part of life. Talk about how you would like conflict to be handled. This can be talking about what is off the table – whether with a partner or with a child- and also about what ways of addressing conflict works best for you. For many of us, “I feel” statements work better than telling us something we’re doing wrong. For your children, knowing what to expect and not expect from you during this time can be very reassuring. And it can help everyone stay on track to know what our goals and expectations are for communication!
• This is a time in which we are bound to get discouraged again and again about what we are not able to do. It can be upsetting to think that our child is “falling behind in school,” and we’re all grieving that this is not how we want their childhood to be. That is natural, and it is important to feel those feelings. What we can focus on is what we are giving them right now. Tools for getting through hard things. Emotional literacy. Skills for navigating conflicts and relationships. We may not be able to teach our kids the “new math” while juggling working from home or figuring out how to make ends meet without a paycheck, but we can teach our children about how to love and support each other when things are tough.