Tag: Fear

Powerful Words: Verbal Strategies for Prevention

I recently gained perspective on the importance of verbal skills while traveling internationally in areas where I did not speak the language.

I am used to answering my own, infrequent “what would I do if…?” questions.  My response is typically a variation of “Well, I’d talk with him, set a boundary, and it would be clear that I’m not an easy victim…  Or I’d go get help…”  Only after exhausting all of these options would I consider physical skills.

During the time I spent alone on my trip, however, I realized that I really wasn’t able to have that conversation to prove that I wasn’t the target assailants look for.  I realized, “Well, I could say “no” and yell a bunch, but I really wouldn’t be able to say much.”  If it kept escalating, I’d have to turn to physical skills.  Not having the necessary language skills, I’d have no other recourse but to use a strike.  Mind you, nothing untoward happened to me nor did I anticipate anything like that, but I returned home with a new awareness of what happens when a person lacks options.

It was amazing for me to see this, because we work regularly now with young people in the schools – many of whom actually do feel confident with  (and have used) physical skills.  But they have no verbal skills to speak of.  It is not unlike the absence of language entirely to not have the vocabulary to get out of a threatening situation.  And I felt for these young people who get in trouble for using physical violence when words would have been sufficient.  They just don’t have the words.

Teaching verbal strategies and a vocabulary of avoidance and de-escalation is much easier than learning a foreign language, let me tell you!  And we must provide it to them.  Because if we don’t, they will act like a cornered animal who either submits to violence or lashes out him/herself.  IMPACT helps people stand up for themselves.  Teaching students ways to do that before it gets physical may be the most important thing we do.

Self Defense is for Lovers

After my first IMPACT class that was so life-changing, I talked everyone’s ear off about it, including my sister’s. I talked about what was taught, revelations about how my relationships were changing, and how I was coming to see myself differently.  By the time I started working for IMPACT, my sister was very familiar with everything from the mundane details of fax machine grief to my glowing excitement as I learned to instruct.

Midway through that process she decided she wanted to take the class herself.  I think it had more to do with my reports of instructor training than details about office equipment…  But regardless, she signed up for the next class. We were chatting a couple weeks before the class started and she said, “You know, I think the class will make me nicer to people.”  I asked her to explain what she meant.  She talked about how she lives in an area where homeless people frequently ask for money on the street and she was intimidated by them. She did not treat them the way she wanted to because of her fear about her physical safety. Perhaps if she knew she could defend herself physically, then she could let herself be nicer to others and relate to them more compassionately.

I am still impressed with this observation. We do not learn self-defense skills to go around kneeing people in the groins or yelling “No!” all the time. And we don’t take it simply in anticipation of an attempted rape or murder.  So why do it? One reason is that knowing you can defend yourself and trust your own intuition can help you feel safe – allowing others to get closer to you.  It can be as simple as being willing to look a homeless man in the eye as you say hello and acknowledging that you can or can’t help him. Or it can relate to letting love into your life. Feeling safe and feeling empowered do more for us than prevent violence; feeling this way can help us become the people we want to be in relation to others.

-Alena Schaim is IMPACT’s Executive Director and an IMPACT Instructor

Risk Tolerance and Safety

Those of you who are familiar with investing – or gambling, for that matter – understand the concept of “risk tolerance.”  Risk tolerance describes whether someone invests in property, stocks, the quarter slot machine, high stakes blackjack, or whether they stay at home with a piggy bank and or a stash under the mattress!

Humans have a similar range of risk tolerance when it comes to personal safety.  Some might judge other people’s choices as foolhardy.  Some might think other people are timidly avoiding life.  But it comes down to is choices.  What can we, as individuals, live with?  What level of risk am I willing to take to do something I might enjoy?

This is why the typical A, B, C approaches to personal safety and safety tips usually don’t work.  Usually, safety tips read as “Do these things and if you do, you’ll be safe.  If you don’t follow them, well, you’re just asking for it, aren’t you??”  But there is no one formula to stay safe.  There are areas I should consider and about which I should make thoughtful choices.  But no one can tell you what will be right for you personally.

We recently wrote new safety tips to reflect the “choose your own adventure” nature of life.  They are not steadfast rules.  They’re issues and areas you might consider when planning your day and how to best enjoy it.

More Powerful than Our Obstacles

It’s the time of New Year’s resolutions.  Many people’s resolutions revolve around health: eat better, exercise more, reduce stress, quit smoking or drinking.  Others seem to be more external: get a new hobby, travel more, talk with my brother more…  Culturally, many of us roll our eyes at these resolutions, either because we know they are too often unfulfilled or seem superficial.  Yet, if you look at it, almost all resolutions center around one theme: quality of life.  I deserve more.

It only seems fitting to mention another area that we all deserve:  I deserve to feel safe.  I deserve to know the answers to the things that run through my mind when I go out to my car alone at night.  I deserve to know the responses to the questions that come up when I consider the nightly news.  In fact, I deserve to have such thorough responses to these worries that they rarely cross my mind.  I deserve to know what my life could become if I lived without fear.  I deserve the improved relationships that come from being honest with myself and others about what I want.

It sounds thrilling and exciting and scary all at once for me to consider these things, even though all of this has already happened for me.  I remember what it was like before my IMPACT class considering doing these things for myself.  It can seem overwhelming.  Even good things that will make us extraordinarily fulfilled can be overwhelming.

Many of our graduates actually report that after taking the Basics course, they find things they’ve wanted to change in their lives somehow happen and the obstacles melt away.  Issues they’ve struggled with for years somehow hold less power over them now that they feel so powerful and have more tools.  At IMPACT, we know that it’s possible for everyone to be this powerful even when they don’t know it for themselves.

Violence in the Media

Violence in the Media Creates Fear, Not Just Violence

I love watching movies with my friends. I deeply dislike violence in the media. But, you know, the one perk to it is hearing my friends shout (at home on the couch!) “Poke his eyes! Groin!” as the poor woman on the screen is unable to do anything in the countless situations she falls victim to. After all, one in eight Hollywood movies depict sexual assault.

Many of us know that the violent scenes in the movies and TV are primarily put in gratuitously to titillate the viewer. Frequently it is not crucial to the plot, and even when it is, they show far more detail than necessary. Thankfully my friends are very adept at helping the (usually) woman get out of the situation – the situation we were all warning her not to get into in the first place. Because we knew, right? There was ominous music that she clearly ignored when she walked down that alley!

Now, putting aside the significant lack of skills that the average heroine [sic] in a movie has, there is another issue to be addressed here… Just how many rapists are hanging out in the bushes with knives or sneaking in windows?? Watching a movie, TV, or the six o’clock news, you’d think that that was the most common threat that people faced. Yet, statistically, 70%-80% of sexual assault victims knew their attackers. But that is not what we see on TV. Why?

It’s less exciting! News stations will search the nation to find the most scandalous act of violence to bring to your home television. The craving for the most extreme violence out there is appalling enough. But what is even more disturbing is what these images do to people’s expectations in life. Those who would walk with confidence become plagued with the dangers that supposedly lurk around every corner. Many become afraid of walking in nature or of feeling a breeze through their window because it appears that that is where the biggest risk exists.

Much of the focus of violence in the media has been to speculate whether it promotes violence in real life. However, it decidedly cultivates and shapes people’s fears. And I, for one, a m outraged that in the name of informing and entertaining society, that it is scaring people I love into living smaller, more cautious lives than necessary.

Safety is a Human Right

Talking with others as a self-defense instructor, the hesitant statement-as-question often comes up: “I run by myself. …?” The question mark at the end of the sentence and looking down and then up at me tells me that they are waiting to be chastised for being so brazen. Other people hear what I do at IMPACT and expound on the dangers of the world, remarking incredulously that they have friends who dare to go hiking – and sometimes hiking alone!

Let me tell you something: It is your divine human right as an animal on this earth to walk, run, hike, or generally leave your house. It is also, of course, your right to stay on your sofa if it’s comfy or at your desk and read this article!

But this is a crucial point. If you didn’t hear me the first time: Feeling safe to wander the earth is a human right. It is not a privilege only to be afforded to men (though they do not always feel safe either.) It is not something only for the privileged. It is not a women’s rights issue. You have a right to feel safe going out and doing what you love. And you can! If you wonder what you might do in a given situation, take a personal safety class. But please don’t question whether you should do what you love. Because you should do what makes you feel good!

The Other Side of Every Fear is a Freedom

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.
– Marilyn Ferguson

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
-Dorothy Thompson

People often see me around and tell me sheepishly that they have known about IMPACT for years but have not walked in the door yet. And they frequently say it as if this is something uncommon or to be embarrassed about! Let me tell you something: I get it. It’s scary to come to a class to face your fears. And if there were nothing more to our classes than fear, none of us would do it.

What I love about facing fear is what comes on the other side. Now that I have taken an IMPACT course, I can tell myself, well, gosh, if I’ve already faced my fears of rape and murder (in a safe environment, of course!,) I can certainly handle trying out circus camp with Wise Fool and getting on some stilts. Everything pales in comparison to those ultimate fears that I had and most women have. So facing our fears ultimately makes us live richer lives.

A friend of mine admitted to me recently that she might be interested in taking our introductory class. She realized when an acquaintance touched her shirt that she didn’t like it, but did nothing to stop him in the moment and felt frozen. Was that a life-threatening experience? No! But to me that was a beautiful moment when she realized that her quality of life could be better and she wants that for herself.

Wanting a higher quality of life is what IMPACT students are looking for. It’s not that we can’t wait to feel scared and afraid! We have a hunger for something on the other side. That’s what we’re after and we are worth that breath of freedom.

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