We have seen countless movies and news reports that feature scary men behind bushes with knives; we’ve watched countless cartoons where the “bad guys” can always be spotted by their jagged teeth and bulging eyes. As a result, our society is deeply confused about who perpetrates assaults and how.
Combine this with subtle and persistent messages in advertisements and sitcom plots that undermine the idea of consent, and we have created strong misunderstandings about sexual assault and domestic violence. Even assault victims can have difficulty understanding and naming what happened to them.
“He didn’t hold me down” and “He didn’t use a weapon” describe the confusion felt by victims that oftentimes concludes with: “I’m not sure it was rape.”
“Well, he didn’t mean to say that/do that” is a confusion often expressed by domestic violence victims, who were led to believe that perpetration is typically intentional and that someone is either bad or good, not something more complex.
However, we know that the majority of assaults happen by people we know, and typically by people we initially, maybe even the majority of the time, have good feelings about.
Unfortunately, these misperceptions — caused by a combination of misrepresentation in the media and a fervent desire to be able to trust those in our lives 100% — oftentimes lead to vulnerability.
The trouble is that most seeking to prevent assault in their or their children’s lives look for programs based on the misperceptions described above. And many self-defense programs plan their curricula around these same misconceptions. Others, believing the risks as they’ve been portrayed, may declare that they have no need for personal safety training, because they live in a “safe community.”
Fundamentally, a safety program must address these misconceptions and teach defenses that address the real threats our communities face. This does not exclude physical skills, but it understands that the real importance in a class like this is navigating changing relationships, evaluating others’ actions and setting our own boundaries — and recognizing our right to do so.