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When it comes to safety for children, adults often have to do the dance of “how much do I say?”  One doesn’t want to frighten a child by explaining dangers in graphic detail, but neither is it truly protecting a child to let him or her remain ignorant and without skills to deal with issues that may come up.

At IMPACT we use the example of crossing the street to discuss personal safety.  If I am teaching a child to cross the street, I will certainly not talk about broken bones and blood, hospital visits, years of therapy and possible death.  Nor will I just say, “go ahead and cross” without discussing looking for cars, judging speed, etc.  Similarly, when preparing our children to be safe in the world, we certainly don’t need to talk about the horrors of molestation or kidnappings.  It also would be irresponsible to send them off to school, dance class, or soccer without preparing them in some way for people or behaviors they might encounter.

The fact is that as caring moms, dads, aunts, etc. you cannot be there all the time to protect them.  And if they have ever walked through the room when you were watching the news or a more adult show, overheard an adult conversation, or even heard something from a friend – they already have some worries.  Giving them the skills to address them in a fun, age-appropriate way actually makes them feel safer.   By giving tools rather than statistics, children can feel strong and confident without needing to know the full context within which they’re getting them.

I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had with a new friend about her years working in rough neighborhoods of a large city.  She told me that she was especially sure to be aware, use eye contact and carry herself with a “Don’t mess with me” energy when passing people in the evenings.  She said that at the time she spoke with a friend who discouraged this, saying that “overconfidence” was a liability since she, as a smaller woman, could probably not prevent an assault.

My friend asked me if this was true, and admitted that her friend’s comment had sort of cut into her self-esteem and feeling of security after that.  I explained that people of all sizes and strengths can –particularly with training– do something to prevent assault.  Although it is not uncommon, it is frustrating that anyone who considers themselves supportive of women or children would paint them as completely vulnerable without recourse.  This attitude assumes that 1) physical self-defense is the only kind of assault prevention and 2) perpetrators choose their victims purely by perceived physical weakness.

Neither of these things is true.  The US Department of Justice has done a study that shows assailants are looking for two things: someone who is not paying attention and someone who looks easy to dominate.  It has little to do with size.  These studies essentially argue for walking with confidence, making eye contact, etc.  It’s rare that someone proudly tells me, “Yesterday I passed a guy who creeped me out, so I looked at him and nothing happened!”  Yet this is a success story – one that happens all the time.  These stories are important and undervalued ways that we keep ourselves safe.

Now, does feeling confident and making eye contact mean challenging someone to a duel?  Of course not!  We take self-defense classes so that we can fear less and live more.  And clearly- to reduce the chances of assault.  There is a beautiful balance to be struck in not being paranoid but not being aggressive – simply going about life confidently knowing that you can deal with what comes your way.