Author: marie

Empowerment Self-Defense & Healing: Reconnecting to Intuition After Trauma

A tricky thing about trauma is that it messes with our intuition. We’ve all heard people say it’s important  to “trust your gut” about who is safe and who isn’t; but for those of us who have experienced trauma, our trauma response/PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress) can masquerade as intuition in the form of hypervigilance. This trauma response tells us things like, “No men are safe;” “I’d rather be safe than sorry,” rather than looking for signs that distinguish the behavior of people who may do harm from those who will not. It looks for commonalities (men, people who fit a certain profile) vs. distinguishing features (men who ignore boundaries, men who are overly eager to be helpful with a child in a way that places them alone with that child, etc.).

It can feel easier to follow broad “rules” when we haven’t been taught how to trust ourselves and our bodies.

When I took my first empowerment self-defense class with Resolve, instructors played the role of those who might do harm, allowing me to learn more about what to look for, and practice what to do in those scenarios. This helped me tremendously. By identifying red flags and how I could respond, I learned (and my nervous system learned) to relax when those red flags were not present. It helped me identify not just what danger looked like, but also what safety looks like. It helped me learn to trust myself and others.

So many students I’ve spoken with over the years have reflected about how they have structured their lives – oftentimes unknowingly – around vague and restrictive “safety tips.” Some don’t even identify as having trauma histories, and yet they learned these same messages that are very much rooted in trauma responses. These trauma responses can help protect us in the moment, but do not usually serve us long-term. In fact, disconnecting ourselves from our own ways of knowing and isolating ourselves from being with others for fear of being hurt is a trauma response – it is not how we heal. We heal in community, by connecting with others.

Profound change happens in our bodies when we practice tapping back into our intuition. Having a toolbox – a set of skills – to both understand and assess risk more accurately can translate to suddenly feeling freer to do more. The tools learned in class can create a feeling of self-efficacy – not responsibility – so more of us feel prepared to take things on should something arise. This is not a guarantee of safety, but rather, a completely fresh perspective of what freedom and living one’s life might feel like when we learn to trust ourselves.

Working Toward Racial Justice

Like all of you, we’re feeling angry and heartbroken this week. We are mourning the lives of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Tony McDade, and too many other black people who should still be alive today.


We are also angry and heartbroken at the news of the attack against Iyanna Dior, a black trans woman, in Minneapolis earlier this week. Transgender people of color experience disproportionately high rates of violence, and so often their stories don’t receive the media attention they should.


These are not new issues by any means – many folks and organizations have been working to end anti-Black violence for years. Our programs are grounded in the belief that violence is rooted in systems of oppression – so it is imperative to address racist violence as part of any comprehensive effort to prevent violence in our communities.


Resolve has and will continue to address racial injustice and alternatives to police intervention in our violence prevention programs. We have also been sharing resources on social media and among our staff, and wanted to share them with you through this blog as well.


For those of you who have been affected by police or state violence, we know this news cycle can be difficult & traumatic. We hope you are able to prioritize your own self-care and take breaks from the news & social media when you need to. Here are a few resources lists in case they’re helpful:

For those of you who are not directly affected but would like to work toward racial justice, we have collected some resources for you.


To learn more:

To take action:

Resources for parents & caregivers:

We’ll continue to post more on our Facebook page if you’d like to follow us there. And we would love to hear about any other resources or learning opportunities that have helped during this time.

Parenting in Times of Crisis

Parents and caregivers have often been led to focus on the more tangible aspects of raising children – teaching them how to get dressed, helping them with homework, and providing them with a well-balanced diet. But what the current health crisis lays bare is that one of our primary responsibilities, as adults with young people, is to help them navigate times of stress and potential trauma.

So while the tempo of our country encourages us to work & homeschool & keep on keeping on, even as we watch the numbers of affected rise and our concerns rise in tandem, what may be most helpful is to stop. Stop and ask ourselves: What do we need, and how can we best provide it? What have our past responses been to trauma, and how is that influencing us now? How can we model for our children how to process this and get through difficult times?

For many of us, stopping to tune in during times of stress can be scary. We may be consumed by the realization of how overwhelming or frightening a situation truly is. And still, it is difficult to come up with a plan that truly addresses what is in front of us if we are intent on ignoring it. Acknowledging what is going on and how it is affecting us allows us the space to find out what can get us through it.

Whether you’re thinking about these things on your own, or having conversations with partners, family members, and other caregivers, here are some things to think about:

• How do our past patterns around trauma influence this moment? People might assume that trauma history has a negative effect – which is not necessarily the case! Trauma histories can sometimes give us perspective that comes from surviving other difficult times and knowing it is possible to make it through again. Trauma can also teach us skills like compartmentalization that allow us to simultaneously be aware of how challenging a situation is while still finding ways to function. There are a lot of strengths we can gain through negative experiences. Of course, there are learned behaviors and coping mechanisms associated with trauma that may not serve us or those around us as well. Do we tend toward denial of the situation or of our feelings? Do we struggle with loss of control when an issue feels immense? Do we find ourselves more irritable with those around us because it feels like an easier conflict to take on? It’s important to remember that the behaviors we learned in the past to survive and cope don’t always serve us – so we need to check in with ourselves.

• What is within our realm of control right now? We do not have a responsibility (or ability) to affect this entire pandemic, but how can we feel good that we are doing our part? And how can we feel confident that we are doing the best for the health of our family, not just physically but also emotionally? An explicit focus on our mental health and our family’s mental health leads us to different choices than when we are focusing on work and school. Work and school are important, but as this escalates, our families and communities will NEED our mental health and well being. It is not only okay, but necessary to prioritize that right now.

• What is our plan for our mental health and our family’s well being? Many of us are making plans right now about how to work from home while our children play or do schoolwork, or how to find childcare as we continue to work to provide essential services, or what we’ll do to get through this time financially. We can also make plans and communicate them about how to get through this time emotionally. And we can talk about it- it doesn’t have to be a secret! Even saying to children, “Staying inside and not seeing my friends is hard for me. I think I need a plan to get through this,” and then sharing your plan with them can be revelatory! If they are old enough to understand and discuss their fears, we can also tell them something like, “This is a scary time, and I know other people are taking care of us and our community- we need a plan of how we take of ourselves and each other. This is what I’m thinking I’ll do for myself…” This normalizes acknowledging emotional needs and helps them come up with a plan, too.

• When we make plans for self-care, sometimes we underestimate community care. I think one of the most challenging things for this time is that the ways we often care for one another are off limits. Hugging, making food, and sharing space with each other all feel suspect. When physical distance is what will keep us safe, we need to be sure to not allow our emotional distance to grow. As human beings, we not only want to be cared for, but we want to care for others. So in addition to healthy meals, exercise, a solo walk with the dog, prayer/meditation, etc, what do we build that is about caring for others? Is it getting groceries for a neighbor? Checking on a friend who lives solo? Calling grandma to see how she’s doing or just holding the phone while she watches the little one play?

• What is our plan for conflict? Hopefully some of the above helps us communicate with others – but this is a stressful time, and we know conflict is a normal part of life. Talk about how you would like conflict to be handled. This can be talking about what is off the table – whether with a partner or with a child- and also about what ways of addressing conflict works best for you. For many of us, “I feel” statements work better than telling us something we’re doing wrong. For your children, knowing what to expect and not expect from you during this time can be very reassuring. And it can help everyone stay on track to know what our goals and expectations are for communication!

• This is a time in which we are bound to get discouraged again and again about what we are not able to do. It can be upsetting to think that our child is “falling behind in school,” and we’re all grieving that this is not how we want their childhood to be. That is natural, and it is important to feel those feelings. What we can focus on is what we are giving them right now. Tools for getting through hard things. Emotional literacy. Skills for navigating conflicts and relationships. We may not be able to teach our kids the “new math” while juggling working from home or figuring out how to make ends meet without a paycheck, but we can teach our children about how to love and support each other when things are tough.

Boundaries During a Pandemic

Here at Resolve, we spend a lot of time talking about boundaries – how to set them, how to respect them, and why they’re important. We know boundaries are the key to feeling safe and happy in all realms of life. Unfortunately, many of us are socialized to believe that setting boundaries is rude; that saying no or expressing discomfort is impolite.

We know the opposite is true: Boundaries are an expression of love and care. And right now, during an unprecedented health crisis, boundaries are more important than ever.

We can think about this moment as a worldwide lesson in the importance of boundaries. Right now, the best way to demonstrate how much we care about others is through physical boundaries: social distancing and keeping space between you and others when you leave your home. We can support our loved ones by respecting their boundaries. If a family member doesn’t feel comfortable seeing you in person; if your roommate wants you to wash your hands after you get back from the grocery store; if your friend you run into at the dog park doesn’t want to hug you. We need to honor these requests. We shouldn’t push back. We shouldn’t minimize their concerns.

There are plenty of other boundaries that people might be asserting right now. Friends and partners might want to have a conversation about something other than COVID-19. Your coworker might not be available during certain hours of the workday because they’re with their kids. Partners or housemates might need time alone. Again: We can show these people we care by listening to them, and not making them feel guilty for communicating their needs.

If you’re setting any of these boundaries or any others, know that you are doing the right thing! It can feel hard to communicate what you need, and of course with so many of us feeling stressed and concerned right now, it’s important to make sure we’re communicating clearly and compassionately. When we do, we are giving others the opportunity to care about us and help us through this difficult time. And as with all boundaries, you may need to say it more than once. It might be more of a conversation than one “I feel” statement. But it’s worth the effort.

Maybe you’re worried that you’re overreacting. Maybe someone has already made you feel guilty or feel like you’re being irrational. But we should not feel guilty for prioritizing our health and well-being – or that of those around us. And that’s especially true during times of crisis. It’s all too easy to talk ourselves out of setting a boundary because we’re worried we’re overreacting, or we don’t think our feelings are valid. Many of us have internalized the idea that we need to put ourselves last, after our jobs and our families. We owe it to ourselves, and to our community, to identify what we need and what makes us feel safe, and then communicate that, unapologetically.

Our boundaries can, quite literally, keep people and communities healthy – but then again, they always do.

Self-Defense Success in the Peace Corps: Kaytea’s Story

To welcome Kaytea Hendricks back to our organization as a self-defense instructor, we wanted to re-publish her self-defense success story from her time serving in the Peace Corps in Morocco. We’re so glad to have Kaytea teaching with us again!

I was on an afternoon walk when I was grabbed from behind. I thought it was a friend messing around. I said, “Come on, let me go.” Then his grip tightened, and I felt his erection. Then it hit me: “I’m being assaulted!”

He grabbed me just like Resolve instructors do during class. I took a deep breath and thought, “Oh no! He has no idea what he just got himself into!” I released a yell that was so powerful I surprised myself! I struck his groin and broke his grip. I turned to see him already sprinting away.

After this event, I felt strong and proud of myself.  Unfortunately, there were other women in my Peace Corps program who were assaulted in a similar fashion, but who had a very different overall experience. They experienced deep, life-altering trauma even though each of them was able to get away and avoid a full-on assault and were not physically hurt. 

One woman had to leave the program and return home; another started seeing a therapist; and a third woman, after therapy, still decided to return home. Although they were successful against their assailants –with no training! – they experienced trauma instead of empowerment.  

I saw how Resolve not only prepared me to defend myself, but prepared me to focus on my success – not my vulnerability. Instead of teaching me how powerful the assailant was, this experience taught me how powerful I am.

Why We Don’t Do Demonstrations at Resolve

We often get asked to do self-defense demonstrations for large groups at events, school assemblies, or outreach fairs. We are always honored when someone is interested in promoting our work and supporting our outreach efforts; however, several years ago we started declining when we were asked to do these demonstrations. While we have had many productive discussions with individuals in our community about this decision, we know it can seem confusing at first – so we wanted to explain.

As an organization that serves many survivors of violence, working in a trauma-informed way is critical to how we do this work. This is one thing that makes Resolve (and Empowerment Self-Defense overall) unique and effective. Unfortunately, we do not believe we can meet the criteria of being trauma-informed while doing demonstrations.

1. It is a feature of trauma that survivors oftentimes need to be able to anticipate what is coming. That simply isn’t possible to guarantee with a demonstration, particularly in a space where people are coming and going. In our classes, we always let people know what is about to occur. We show it and break it down before we invite students to practice the skills themselves. This is not just useful for students with trauma histories; it’s good pedagogy.

2. People need to opt in to doing the work of self-defense as a healing modality. When someone hasn’t opted in, something that could be deeply healing has the potential to be harmful, which we explicitly don’t want. For many of us that are survivors, our Resolve/IMPACT class did “what 10 years of therapy could not,” as one graduate stated. However, in order for it to be healing, it must be done with active consent. We teach affirmative consent to youth and know how critical it is in all things- and especially in relation to trauma.

3. It is important to the process to be able to create a “container” in class. That means that we can help people process anything that arises. At demonstrations, the goal is to be inspiring a large number of people who may be moving in and out of the space, yet we can’t be sure that everyone is leaving inspired. We design our programs so we have sufficient staff that can easily check in with students and notice reactions they might need help processing even when someone does not verbalize what they are feeling right away. Being attentive to the emotional needs of our participants helps them leave the class feeling confident and empowered.

4. We are sometimes asked to do a demonstration as a form of entertainment, to bring some excitement to the stage or event. The type of self-defense we teach simply is not entertainment. While physical skills others might present are demonstrated like a stunt for a movie or as a sport, the scenarios we teach students to prepare for are real-life scenarios, such as attempted sexual assault. When scenarios are highly realistic, it means they may bear a close resemblance to situations that viewers may have experienced in their own lives. In a classroom situation, students have the support to move through reactions they might have to that content to a place of action where they are practicing defending themselves in that same scenario. In a demonstration, while the hope is that they might identify with the person demonstrating self-defense, it is unfortunately more likely that they may freeze in their experience of their own memory.

We also know that when it is viewed as entertainment, there is always a desired emphasis on stranger scenarios- in order to show physical skills, particularly against the padded suit that the instructors playing characters wear. This does not reflect the reality of how sexual violence, in particular, most often happens. The part of the class that is oftentimes most transformative for students is learning to set boundaries with people we know! But a scenario where we are setting a boundary with a date we really like, or with an uncle, is not the type of demonstration that organizers are typically hoping for.

5. Sometimes people who are passionate about self-defense and violence prevention feel puzzled when others are not as interested or engaged as they would like them to be. This can sometimes lead to a desire to shock others into caring and being engaged. We understand – we are incredibly passionate about this topic as well! However, in our experience, when people aren’t engaged in this topic, it usually is for a reason. Demonstrations get people’s attention, but oftentimes not in the way that we want. Even for someone with no trauma history, the reality of interpersonal violence can be shocking. We would not want participants to be exposed to the harsh language that characters (instructors replicating common assault scenarios so that students can learn effective verbal strategies) sometimes use without a larger framework and container, as stated above. We never want people to feel shock in relation to our classes and the skills we teach -we want people to feel support, empathy, and interest. Some of us – especially those of us with trauma histories – may feel a sense of urgency in getting those around us involved and invested, but shock oftentimes makes people averse to the topic or approach being shown. When someone feels like their boundaries have been violated because they weren’t prepared for something, they generally do not move towards that topic. But when someone is able to learn about our programs on their terms, they are more likely to see the value in our approach and engage in the issues.

6. Yelling and hearing others yell — especially women and others who have been discouraged from being vocal and taking up space — can be transformative for participants all on its own! However, even for someone who doesn’t approach the stage or demonstration area, yelling can be disorienting and can sometimes bring up painful memories for survivors that they are not prepared for. The majority of adults who take our classes are survivors, and they do things to get ready for these classes. That preparation can range from talking with their therapist and making a plan for the support and resources they will utilize around classes to having a burrito and quiet cup of coffee the morning of class – But the point is that they know what’s coming, and they are opting in and preparing however is best for them.

Do we miss out on potentially valuable outreach opportunities when we decline demonstration opportunities? Maybe. However, it is important for all our outreach efforts to line up with our values. This means we prioritize making our services and public activities trauma-informed and supportive for whoever may be in the room.

Our organization, and others that teach ESD, work extremely hard to design self-defense classes that are trauma-informed; that are explicitly anti-victim blaming; and that are effective. The nuances and layered teaching methods that make our classes so powerful would be nearly impossible to convey in a 15 minute demonstration. Yet we know that this slower and more comprehensive approach to self-defense training works – we regularly hear from graduates who share how the class was transformative for them and how much more confidently they are living their own lives.

We are lucky to work in a community where so many people are passionate about violence prevention and self-defense, and we would love to help you learn more about our organization! We teach classes with graduations that are open to the public; we also do discussion-based classes and presentations, which are a great way to get started. If you would like us to do one of those talks for a workshop or a group, please let us know!

Making Sexual Assault Everyone’s Problem

The past few weeks have been overwhelming for many, especially for those of us who are sexual assault survivors. It’s easy to get caught up in the enormity of the problem – sexual assault happening at all levels of our society, no arena exempt.

And meanwhile, I think it’s important to credit those responsible for the increase in coverage and dialogue:

This moment is brought to you by the power of survivors.

To be sure, survivors are in different places in their journeys. Some are still struggling to understand that what was done to them was wrong; others are still finding the words to tell themselves, their diaries, their partners, and their friends. Others have been speaking out, fighting back against the shame of abuse for years – some for decades, including at consciousness raising groups, speak outs, rape crisis centers, and public protests like Take Back the Night rallies and marches.

As a movement, though, we have stopped short of identifying those who did violence to us.

Right now we are witnessing the incredible power of people speaking out. We know that one person speaking out frees others from shame, encouraging others to also speak out. And meanwhile there is a particular power gained when people speak out and name those who have harmed us. We know that it is incredibly rare for a perpetrator to have only one victim. So when one person speaks out, they not only free others to do so in general, but also embolden others hurt by that very same person to also name the harm done.

This takes working against the socialization many of us have received to be nice and not hurt others – even when we are being hurt ourselves. It calls for us to work against the grooming that person did to ensure we would stay quiet. It makes us confront the (strong) possibility of people dismissing us, minimizing or disbelieving what we have endured, and further violence – whether hateful language or physical harm.

These and more are all understandable reasons to not speak out. This is why Take Back the Night was so profound. Take Back the Night represented huge communities of women naming that what they experienced was not an individual shame, but a widespread social problem. It is no small act when young people and adults of all genders claim that title of “survivor” in our violence prevention and self-defense classes. I am honored to share the journey with others as they realize, truly, that it was not their fault, and all of the powerful things they did to survive.

However, I can’t help but notice that today we have massive numbers of identified “survivors,” and incredibly small numbers of accused.

This invariably has the effect of making sexual violence seem like a women’s issue, or an individual survivor’s issue, instead of the community problem that it truly is. This mindset discourages us from placing the blame for violence where it belongs – on the perpetrators. And we must focus on community change if we want to understand how to prevent future instances of violence.

This is exactly what some survivors are doing when they name those who harmed them– they are leading our movement forward. This means claiming our stories as our own. It means saying with authority: I know my own life. I have a right to speak. It means no longer protecting those who have hurt us. It means recognizing that there is no statute of limitations on our truth.

I find this inspiring, and I can’t wait for the next chapter that this opens up for us as we acknowledge exactly how rampant sexual violence is in our society and that we all have a responsibility for preventing it.

Why Bystander Intervention is Still Worth the Risk

Bystander intervention is always on our minds, and even more so after the horrific violence in Portland this past weekend.

While we don’t know all the details of this tragic incident, here’s what we do know:

Violence is a tool of social control. When people are made to fear being their authentic selves or be out in public (as a woman, as an “out” LGBTQ person, wearing a hijab), their lives become smaller. The impact they make on the world around them is diminished for fear of too much negative attention. The change that they can uniquely affect because of who they are is shuttered. The constant threat of violence naturally has that effect on those who are targeted for violence and hate crimes, which is the intention – conscious or not.

When people act as bystanders, or allies, they agree to share that risk. It hardly ever means shouldering the burden in place of the person affected, but hopefully means diminishing the impact for the target through an act of solidarity. Young people know this when talking about helping someone who is being bullied. Fear that the person will turn on them next is always in the forefront of their minds. As it should be.

Most opportunities for bystander intervention and acts of allyship expose us to less harm than what we witnessed in Portland this past weekend – but all do involve taking on some level of risk. And when we navigate our own levels of risk tolerance, what we’re really exploring is “How much am I willing to let this affect how I navigate the world? How much am I willing to consider worrying about speaking, worry about taking public transportation and having to choose between guilt and danger? How much am I willing to let this affect my life in order to help this person live more freely?”

If violence is a tool of social control, we must acknowledge that it wants us to stay silent, even as bystanders. It’s designed to divide us, to make us not ride public transportation, to avoid eye contact when someone is being harassed, to change the topic when someone makes a hurtful comment or “joke.” Liberation demands that we resist – that we find ways to persist and act in an unsafe world, to connect and speak up when someone is being hurt – whether they are present or not.

What Can I Do?

Practice for action: When watching these viral videos or TV shows featuring violence or hate crimes, imagine what you could do. If you practice creating plans instead of practicing being stuck in overwhelm, it can help prepare you for moments in your own life.

Confront denial: Acknowledge what is happening without minimizing the situation.

Create a risk assessment & safety plan: Assess the level of threat. Create a plan with contingencies to navigate an inherently volatile situation.

Determine your approach:

    • De-escalate the aggressor: What words could you say to create a shift? What body language might be helpful?
      Support the person targeted: Check in, if possible, about what they need; see that their safety and/or emotional needs are being met. Even sitting beside the person target can help them feel supported.
    • Mobilize others: Are there others that could act to help also? Providing them with clear direction can help activate them.
    • Create a distraction: This could release the pressure in an intense situation, allowing some amount of de-escalation to happen naturally, or for the person targeted to get away.
    • Aftercare for the person targeted or others: Oftentimes forgotten in these situations, caring for someone’s emotional or physical needs after an attack is just as important as intervention. Oftentimes in a situation involving more than one bystander, people take on different roles. All of these roles are necessary.
    • Support accountability: People who act aggressively oftentimes attempt to avoid responsibility for their actions. Supporting accountability could be retelling what you witnessed to other community members, or helping maintain their presence in the area while others arrive.

Violent Acts Aren’t Committed in Isolation

How do we cope, how do we respond when overwhelmed with the grief of the past weeks? Orlando. Brock Turner. The man who allegedly murdered his wife and four daughters in Roswell last week.

For some, it seems that we have to choose a focus. That’s simply not true. Homophobic violence and gender-based violence have everything to do with one another. Studies show how deeply connected they are. They are connected in the people who commit these crimes and hold these beliefs, and they’re connected for those of us who feel doubly hurt after these past weeks. Survivors and LGBT people have had our vulnerability to violence confirmed this past week. For most of us, and especially for people of color, this is something we live with and navigate every day, but it is now intensified.

Violence is never just the act of a single person. This is hard to accept when we want to pin the blame, understandably so, on the person who doesn’t even understand what he did was rape and was wrong. It’s hard to accept when we know that a single person walked into a club and committed so many murders in our Latinx LGBT community in a single night. We want evil to be something separate from us. We want to be able to take a quick action – blame – and be done with it. Accepting the idea that the sexism, homophobia, transphobia and racism rampant in our society created these acts is difficult to bear, and the responsibility of prevention is overwhelming.
But we know these acts are not isolated incidents. When 1 in 5 women experience rape, and 1 in 3 transgender women of color is murdered – the acts committed in these last two weeks are connected to larger systems of violence and oppression. Fear shapes the daily choices of women and LGBT people of color, and it is our responsibility as a society to change this.
How? Intervention. Intervention is not only acting when we see a man on top of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. Intervention cannot only be stopping a man in Los Angeles with explosives and guns driving to a Pride celebration. Intervention and prevention must occur earlier.
Slurs, disguised as jokes, teasing and “edgy” comments, are commonplace. Say something. When you hear these things at the dinner table with family, in the school hallway, locker room, church or other religious gathering place – say something. Write a letter when you see a TV show or commercial promoting sexism, homophobia, transphobia or racism.
Tell them you won’t watch or buy their product anymore. Ask schools and teachers what they are doing to proactively address these themes, not just react after an act of bullying or sexual harassment or assault has occurred.
We can absolutely expect this violence – everyday incidents and national news – to continue if we don’t change these beliefs that are rampant in our society.
Finally, I join others in asking you to stay present to the pain of this moment and avoid moving into xenophobia. Please consider reaching out to those in your life who might be more affected by this – including our Muslim and Sikh neighbors and friends, who we fear might be at greater risk during this time.

It is extremely difficult to talk about and bear witness to violence. Remembering our outrage, shock and pain six months from now and working to make sustained change is even harder. Please remember. Please continue working to create change. Some do not have the privilege of forgetting the threat of events like these.

Rethinking Awareness as a Safety Strategy

Traditionally, awareness is taught as a series of tips. “Look around when you’re walking to your car.” “Don’t text or talk on the phone.” We often critique these tips as inherently victim-blaming as well as largely irrelevant since most violence, unfortunately, is committed by people we know. We also have noticed that awareness, in the larger sense, actually is less about looking around and more about a certain lack of denial about what’s going on.

Awareness is better defined as a willingness to see or bear witness.

I can think of a number of times when I was ardently taking self-defense classes when I was younger, wanting to address fears based on a history of violence, where I was taught by very well-intentioned instructors to look in the backseat of my car when I got in, etc. Meanwhile, I was beginning to date people who teased me too much and crossed my physical boundaries, and my classes didn’t address these early warning signs at all.

I hope we all agree that the responsibility and blame always lies with the person who chooses to use violence and manipulation, and never with the victim. Meanwhile, I wanted to learn strategies to increase my own safety – these two simultaneous truths are what Lynne Marie Wannamaker describes as “the self-defense paradox.”

Unfortunately, the strategies for awareness I was being taught had nothing to do with the actual threats I faced. I would have benefited much more if I’d been taught about healthy relationships and dynamics of abuse, told the statistics of violence by strangers vs. people we know, and practiced better strategies to negotiate boundaries and deal with threats of physical violence.

Feeling unprepared or as though the reality of the truth would be crushing can explain our responses to everything from ignoring when someone is behaving as though they are about to steal in a local store to ignoring the signs of child abuse. It is rarely about literally not turning our heads and scanning the environment to see the behavior. More often, it is that we see it or hear it, and our brains thoughtfully screen it out in order to protect us from something that feels overwhelming.

For me, this is exciting, because it means that instead of thinking that we’ve been doing something wrong all our lives (not looking around), it simply means that we might benefit from believing ourselves more and discovering more tools to gain confidence in ourselves.

© 2024 Resolve · PO Box 8350 · Santa Fe NM 87504